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Why are parents so unempowered?
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Anonymous
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PP here - I know - she does sound pretty extreme - guess I am just frustrated today with a screaming 2 yo who wants a sandwich, doesn't want a sandwich, wamts this cartoon, then that cartoon, wants to hold the cup, spills the juice, screams if I try to take it away, wants another book (#20) while getting ready to nap, wants this pillow - no that pillow.......on, and on and on. My intentions are good - I wish I could make him happy - but HOW? It is just soooooooo frustrating. I don't think being firm and saying NO at this age works...or maybe it does and I am not doing it right? Anyone out there watch Supernanny? She always seems to be able to do it!  Why can't I??????
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Anonymous
Yes, I wanted to say this too - I know quite a few people in the military and the ones I know are all very good, fair, lovely parents. |
Anonymous
PP of original quote here: What I meant to say is that OP is acting like her kids are in the military. I have the utmost respect for all military people. Sorry if it seemed I was implying otherwise. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm pretty much with you. Perhaps it is smug of me, and I do only have one kid, so we'll see what happens when #2 arrives. But I get the impression a lot of the time that parents are afraid of their kids tears and would go to great lengths to avoid them, even when it's not in anyone's best interest. I'm not a "tough love" type of parent, but I am not afraid that I am inflicting life-long trauma because I say "No, it's nap time now," and close the door on some crying.
That said, I think that we all struggle with limits and I think that these threads can be a safe place for people to ask questions about what has worked for others. So while I get your frustration, I think that part of the way this format works is sort of needle-in-a-haystack. By which I mean, my question may strike a whole lot of people as stupid, but someone out there struggled with the same thing and may have some insight. Or maybe just some sympathy. Of course, what also happens is that people with a totally different approach or worldview will show up to attack me for my question, so maybe it's needle-in-a-haystack-while-attacked-by-wolves, but you get what I'm going for. Second poster, I think when people ask what you're feeding your X month old, they're looking for ideas. At least that's why I read those threads and find them useful. Tofu? Really? There's a thought... Finally, to those who thought the OP was military and to those who found that insulting to the military, my two cents and I mean no offense to anyone (OP, please confirm): OP is British ("paci" "bin" "cot"). |
Anonymous
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Ref pp 13:28-actually I did think that OP was either British or otherwise European. That's why I said "Good on you" quoting my favorite Brit, Ozzy Osbourne.
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Anonymous
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I think the OP brought up some interesting points. Hubby and I are expecting our first later this year, so perhaps I will be shunned for posting on this topic, but here goes. While I recognize I have an outsider's point of view at this point, I think I have observed enough instances of parents catering to their child(ren) to avoid tears/a scene/etc that much of what OP wrote has merit to me. And I didn't interpret that she is "witholding love" simply because she does not write her little evening notes to the kids when they misbehave. That is far from being anything remotely cruel or somehow demonstrating that she doesn't love them, in my opinion.
That all said, good luck to all parents. It looks to be the hardest job in the world. And no one is perfect. (I never got that sense from the OP, so I am not sure why so many are being quite saracastic to that end.) |
Anonymous
Because you do not have a child yet, your opinion to me is meaningless. You are correct in saying you are an outsider. She is holding back love, it is sick. You may change your view when you are actually a parent. |
Anonymous
| OH good lord I agree! You are always a perfect parent until you have kids. And I am sorry - having 2, or 3 or 4 children is an entirely different kettle of fish than having one. Trust me - it is incredibly easy to feel successful and be smug when you are parenting one child. I have three, and I have to adapt my parenting techniques for each child (to a certain extent) because they are all incredibly different. No smugness here, trust me. |
Anonymous
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I agree, to some extent, with what the OP is saying. i think her tone was not meant to be so severe and I think she may have been joking when she referenced her husband. And by not providing little love notes, that doesn't necessarily mean she is not giving love in other ways. I don't intend to give my child love notes, is that the only way to give love? Just as some moms/kids equate a pack of m&ms or new shoes as mommy loves me, the love notes may be more of a treat then the only method of giving love. I hope this is making sense. Anyway, I could be wrong, but I don't think the OP is as cruel as some think.
I am wishy washy when it comes to my daughters tears and cries. I was the parent that always felt that the baby was too young to know how to manipulate, go to sleep on her own, do without the paci, etc. Even with her "having her way with us", she has been a pretty decent baby and I still haven't seen any manipulation. She is getting a little more clingy, but I think that is normal. With that said, once she turns one (in a few weeks), we will be tougher. Why? I feel that she has reached the time where she can begin being more independent when it comes to sleep. I think she is understanding what No means and i will use it to protect her. It is time that her life takes on more structure. None of this means that we won't love her or provide fun, which is what being a child is all about. I personally feel that chldren need routine, limits, and an understanding on who is the boss in the house. I work in a social services environment and it is sad to see how many households there are where the parents are afraid of their children. I have seen in it in all income levels and the one thing ALL parents tell us is that they wish they disciplined their child more. In fact, I made a comment on how the parents need to take control and be the boss of the house and their 7 year old son told me that he is the boss (and he was dead serious). I still feel that a baby needs to be coddled, but once they are walking and can understand tone of voice etc. it is time to provide guidance and be firm, if needed. Always tell them how much you love them, but make it clear that they are not to throw food off the table, or pull the dog's tail, etc. With discipline, comes guidance and love. |
Anonymous
Hee! Yeah, I used to think this too before I had kids. It's lots of fun to armchair quarterback other people's lives, isn't it? But all of the (very extensive) experience I thought I had with my nieces, nephews, friend's kids, etc. didn't amount to squat as far as being a real parent with your own real kids. As an aside, may I ask why you are on a parenting forum if you are not a parent? A bit puzzling to me, particularly when you start posting comments with your opinions about...parenting. |
Anonymous
Because you don't have kids yet you do not realise how much kids personalise things. What the OP does to her kids could very easily be interpreted by them as withholding love. That is just the way kids think and as parents we ought to be aware of that. |
Anonymous
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What is wrong with you people? Who cares if an expectant mother posts on this thread? Everyone has an opinion. She can have hers. She is posting on a PARENTING board because she will soon be a PARENT! There is an "expectant mother" thread to this site, you know.
Also, I wasn't aware that you need to have more than 1 child to have any say in how to parent! That's news to me! Next time an issue with ADD or spirited kids or discipline or pacifiers or feeding or nap schedules or sleep problems or gifted kids or nice playgrounds come up I'll be sure not to post since I have only 1 child and, therefore, don't know what on Earth I'm talking about. |
Anonymous
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I'm going to come right out and sympathize with OP here. I am an American with 2 kids, one of whom is "spirited" and my family is hardly perfect. I know kids can be stubborn and difficult. I know parenting is not simple and different things work for different people. I know some habits may be acceptable in certain families and not in others. Unlike 2nd PP, I think it's great that we have this board to ask questions, even if they seem stupid or irrelevant to others.
However, I too am so tired of all the complaining from people who allow their kids to get into and then STAY in habits that negatively impact their parents' quality of life long-term (like needing to sleep with their parents, breastfeed multiple times a night when they're a year old, refuse to ride in a stroller, etc.) because they seemingly cannot allow the kid to cry or not get what they want once in awhile. Just among my own friends I've seen this taken to (IMHO) ridiculous extremes, like the mom who goes to bed at 7pm with her nearly 1 year old and lies down for naps with her because her child cannot sleep alone AT ALL, the people with a 2-year-old who still gets up several times a night (and they get up too, and rock, cajole, bring bottles, etc.), the mom of an older infant who literally holds the kid all the time to keep her happy, moms of toddlers who let their kids run rampant in stores/public places because "he won't sit in the shopping cart/stroller." Why not? Because YOU DON'T MAKE HIM. I am a compassionate and loving (and far from perfect) parent, but I also want my kids to be independent and learn to do things themselves and learn to behave/interact well with others, and that the world does not revolve around them. I realize every family needs to do what works for them, but if you allow your kid to do something short-term that turns into a long-term problem (or worse, has negative impacts on your marriage, friendships, mental health, work, etc.), then OP is right and you need to grow a spine. Your no-longer-newborn can't sleep alone? Time to get her into a crib and learn to put herself to sleep; if she cries for a short while, she cries. The world will not end. You're dangerously sleep deprived because your toddler still gets up multiple times a night, and you keep enabling this by giving the kid what she wants every time? Time for some sleep training. Isn't your mental health and road safety more important than your child having a couple of rough nights learning to sleep through? You haven't had sex in 3 years because your kid sleeps in your bed? Time for a big-boy bed. Your toddler won't sit in the shopping cart? Let her scream (ignore the dirty looks), or don't take her shopping until she's past that stage. It is not unreasonable or abusive to expect your kid to sit in a cart for 15-20 minutes, even if she doesn't like it. Once they realize you're not giving in to the screaming test, they will shape up. There seems to be so much parental fear of a child having a good cry, or throwing a fit, or learning to do things him/herself. The fact that many of my friends are shocked that my kids sleep all night, by themselves, and have from a very young age, just blows my mind. Best advice we got at the beginning: Tracey Hogg, the baby whisperer, says "Begin as you mean to go on." In other words, don't let your kid get into habits that you'll eventually have to break. |
Anonymous
I don't think anyone here has said that kids should not be disciplined or set limits or boundaries. If that has been your interpretation of the posts then you need to reread them. All people are saying is that children should know they are loved unconditionally. Small children could very easily interpret not getting the note as meaning mummy's love is conditional on good behaviour. People are also reminding the OP not to judge others if he/she has not walked in their shoes. That's all. |
Anonymous
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It is very hard to find perfect balance of "power". Kids grow up quickly and what works for 3 yo, will not work for 13 yo. Do not forget that when kids are teens you'll be competing with their peers and most likely lose.
My feeling is that you lay your groundwork now - give them basis to rely on. You teach them right and wrong and hope for the best when they start to make their own choices in this crazy world. In this scheme of things, controlling a toddler is not my priority. I'll teach him that his behavior affects people around him, and I'll model a behavior I want, but I cannot possibly control him - he is his own person. We constantly negotiate and reach compromises. I do sometimes enforce things, but rarely "just because I said so". It is hard, I yell sometimes and punish by removing them or myself from a situation. They loose privileges, or have to earn them (usually TV or treats). But I do hope they know that no matter what, they can count on me and come to me with their problems. I just hate this word - control. I did better as a kid when there was little or no control over me. I do not need to be empowered when it comes to the kids. In this society kids have no powers and very few rights. THEY need to be empowered. |