Why are parents so unempowered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is wrong with you people? Who cares if an expectant mother posts on this thread? Everyone has an opinion. She can have hers. She is posting on a PARENTING board because she will soon be a PARENT! There is an "expectant mother" thread to this site, you know.

Also, I wasn't aware that you need to have more than 1 child to have any say in how to parent! That's news to me! Next time an issue with ADD or spirited kids or discipline or pacifiers or feeding or nap schedules or sleep problems or gifted kids or nice playgrounds come up I'll be sure not to post since I have only 1 child and, therefore, don't know what on Earth I'm talking about.

OMG. She is posting her opinions on something she's never experienced. Yes, there is an expectant mother thread and it would be very logical for her to post on that. But this is akin to me posting on...I don't know...a forum for bull riding with criticism on the way I've seen actual bull riders put on their chaps. Or whatever the hell they wear. COME ON. It's a PARENTING thread. If people who aren't parent's want to read, ask questions, etc. that's great, but why would someone who isn't a parent post a (critical) opinion??

And take a deep breath and reread - no one said that you need more than 1 kid to have any say in how to parent. Dramatic are we? The poster was simply saying that things get more complicated on a lot of fronts when you go from 1 to 2 or 2 to 3. Geez, I only have 1 kid but am not surprised to hear this.

[Anonymous]

Once again we like to ge tout of control- chill out ladies! Dont read the thread anymore and there wont be this anger. If that is not your opinion- move on- get over it and help the other who need help here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again we like to ge tout of control- chill out ladies! Dont read the thread anymore and there wont be this anger. If that is not your opinion- move on- get over it and help the other who need help here.

This is actually a debate. If YOU do not want to read it then move on.

[Anonymous]

OP – there is one thing in your post that I heartily agree with – you are NOT perfect (and thank you for pointing it out, otherwise the rest of us might have mistakenly thought that you were).

I pity any child that is brought up in an environment of “zero tolerance” – a poor mindset for coping with just about any situation in their future life. And, by the way, Authoritarianism is passé. Yes, we all have to give our children boundaries – nobody is disputing that (though your defenders believe otherwise) – but, as another PP suggested, many of us strongly believe in providing appropriate transitions to ease the way for children, who do not have the same capacity to make the rational decisions that we can (or at least those of that are, in fact, rational). Maybe I don’t always have the stiffest backbone with my spirited 3yo daughter, but we choose our battles in life – if you think that you can “win” them all, then you have some surprises in store for you. In other cases, young children learn by pushing boundaries and experimenting – yes, my daughter may make a terrible mess with her science experiments with food and water, but a mess is not always a mess that must be a punishable offense.

And circumstances change – what may be appropriate for one age, is not for another – most of us do not do something “different” for no reason then try to “train them otherwise” – life is full of change and, as parents, it is our responsibility to change our approach as our children age. Yes, we may have made different choices than you (co-sleeping, feeding on demand, no CIO), but they were right choices for each of us at the time. And to the PP who equates love notes to M&Ms – it is quite a different matter. My 3 yo daughter certainly understands the difference between candy versus love and affection from Mommy and Daddy – while we sometimes refuse the former, I cannot imagine EVER refusing the latter. I guess both you and OP do not believe in unconditional love for your children. And I am sorry to hear that you consider kids as “inmates” – a choice of words that speaks volumes. I hope that your children are eventually able to work it all out in therapy.

In conclusion, I have a question for you: Why are some parents so empowered by bringing others down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again we like to ge tout of control- chill out ladies! Dont read the thread anymore and there wont be this anger. If that is not your opinion- move on- get over it and help the other who need help here.

This is actually a debate. If YOU do not want to read it then move on.

This is not a debate- this gets nasty as always and I will not read this thread anymore to hera your nasty comeback!

[Anonymous]

Love it 15.21 PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again we like to ge tout of control- chill out ladies! Dont read the thread anymore and there wont be this anger. If that is not your opinion- move on- get over it and help the other who need help here.

This is actually a debate. If YOU do not want to read it then move on.

This is not a debate- this gets nasty as always and I will not read this thread anymore to hera your nasty comeback!

You do that m'dear. You are very funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP – there is one thing in your post that I heartily agree with – you are NOT perfect (and thank you for pointing it out, otherwise the rest of us might have mistakenly thought that you were).

I pity any child that is brought up in an environment of “zero tolerance” – a poor mindset for coping with just about any situation in their future life. And, by the way, Authoritarianism is passé. Yes, we all have to give our children boundaries – nobody is disputing that (though your defenders believe otherwise) – but, as another PP suggested, many of us strongly believe in providing appropriate transitions to ease the way for children, who do not have the same capacity to make the rational decisions that we can (or at least those of that are, in fact, rational). Maybe I don’t always have the stiffest backbone with my spirited 3yo daughter, but we choose our battles in life – if you think that you can “win” them all, then you have some surprises in store for you. In other cases, young children learn by pushing boundaries and experimenting – yes, my daughter may make a terrible mess with her science experiments with food and water, but a mess is not always a mess that must be a punishable offense.

And circumstances change – what may be appropriate for one age, is not for another – most of us do not do something “different” for no reason then try to “train them otherwise” – life is full of change and, as parents, it is our responsibility to change our approach as our children age. Yes, we may have made different choices than you (co-sleeping, feeding on demand, no CIO), but they were right choices for each of us at the time. And to the PP who equates love notes to M&Ms – it is quite a different matter. My 3 yo daughter certainly understands the difference between candy versus love and affection from Mommy and Daddy – while we sometimes refuse the former, I cannot imagine EVER refusing the latter. I guess both you and OP do not believe in unconditional love for your children. And I am sorry to hear that you consider kids as “inmates” – a choice of words that speaks volumes. I hope that your children are eventually able to work it all out in therapy.

In conclusion, I have a question for you: Why are some parents so empowered by bringing others down?

Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well written.

I have get annoyed with posts that are "what do you feed you X month/year old child?" or "what is your nap schedule for X?" or "when do I brush my kids' teeth?"

I guess I get annoyed with these because no two babies/kids are alike and no two households and parenting styles are alike so it boggles me as to what type an answer these folks are looking for - justification, reasoning, a pat on the back? If there is nothing wrong, then why fix it? If your baby/child is thriving and doing well, then keep your feeding schedule, don't change the nap times, continue your routine until a growth spurt comes along and the baby/child is develops into the next phase.

Had to get that off my chest.

Well, I have to get this off my chest: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD?!?! And what IS an acceptable question to you? And have you read any sort of parenting or baby care book? I am thinking no, because otherwise you would know that while obviously no 2 kids are identical, there certainly ARE many commonalities in stages and ages. There ARE recommended foods that most babies like. There ARE recommended nap schedules that work well for most babies. There ARE guidelines on when and how to brush teeth. And the entire point of this message board is to share things just like this that might offer a better or different way to do it. What are YOU looking for?? That's what "boggles me."

So if this is the perfect forum to express questions, seek advice, and relay messages, then why not let me vent?!

[Anonymous]

Interesting how people tote on how we should be supportive blah blah blah but then some responses end up on the attack-mode.

OP and second poster have a right to their opinion and pet peeves. Ok, don't we all?
Neither have attacked any particular poster and simply want to vent. Disagree or agree, isn't that what this forum is all about?

How we harp on those we disagree with, refuse to agree-to-disagree, then start attacking responses from other posters, and make assumptions (are you in the military, are you European, are you a parent?)

[Anonymous]

I agree with a lot of what you say, 15:21, but I have to call out your comment, "Authoritarianism is passé." It seems to me that everything in parenting comes around again. There's never going to be a perfect system that will work for everyone, only endless fads claiming scientific or other authority. I'm optimistic enough to think that things tend to get better, so that the relegation of authoritarianism to the 1950s, military families or Europeans (I'm KIDDING!) is probably not a bad thing. But the mere fact that a thing is out of style right now doesn't mean it's so terrible. By the same token, just because something is "in" doesn't mean it's right. And I think the OP is not wrong to point out that the current fad away from authoritarianism may be erring in the opposite direction.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This is quite the hot topic. I have to admit that I can kind of understand where the OP is coming from. When you watch Nanny 911 or Super Nanny with the child that won’t stay in the bed to go to sleep or the kids running the house, you see the person brought in to help with the problem are firm but gentle with the children. I’m not sure Jo (SuperNanny) has ever found a case were it is acceptable for a child to spit, hit, throw etc. Yet if you were to write some of the techniques used on the message board – parents would feel those techniques are too harsh etc. A lot of times I just keep my advice to myself because I know a lot of people are more laid back than I am.

However, I think the OP wasn’t giving enough credit to the parents that are trying to feel their way thru parenthood. I often think, if only the baby came with an instruction manual. I think in general it is hard to find the right balance as parents between incentives/motivations and outright bribing for everything, and between healthy self-esteem and too much pampering, and between trying to protect your children from conflict and letting them learn to work things out themselves. In between all of these, you have to account for a child’s personality. My oldest daughter hates to be reprimanded for misbehaving while my youngest could care less. Sometimes there is some trial in error in figuring out that balance and what works with your child and getting everyone to be consistent so for example, my DH and I have to agree on how we handle things. Hearing how other people have handled these situations can give me ideas or sometimes a perspective I may not have thought about.

[Anonymous]

I am the poster expecting her first child later this year (13:53). I think there has been some good discussion, as well as a lot of attacks without much substance. Someone said my post was critical. Funny, that wasn't my intention. I guess some folks missed the end of my post where I stated good luck to everyone, that parenting looks to be extremely difficult and that no one is perfect. Also, a number of people posted similar observations about parents catering to the children - I'm not sure how my observations are any less accurate than theirs just becuase they already have kids.

I posted because just the other day I was on the train with a woman (who has 3 kids!) and SHE posed the question: who's in charge these days? The parents or the kids? It's an interesting discussion to me....ESPECIALLY as an expectant mom. I fully realize that my best intentions may go awry when my little one arrives, but nonetheless, I think a lot of the points mentioned by the OP and others are things to think about.

[Anonymous]

OP here (wondering whether I should update my life insurance). I’ve been really interested in a few of the comments. First off let me say that my intention wasn’t to sound like I have some perfect paradigm (I constantly question every aspect of my approach to motherhood) but more to genuinely query why some moms seem to struggle so much with being resolute with their kids. If a parent has decided they don’t want to ‘impose’ rules or standards of behavior, or it’s up to the child to determine various things (like when they want to sleep or what they wants to eat) then that’s well and good. I completely respect that there’s different approaches and I don’t mean to suggest that it’s my way or the highway. Perhaps I should have been clearer about this. But what I was trying to explore is why parents who DO want to have a more structured approach find it so difficult. Is it because we’re terrified of oppressing our kids? Is it because we so want to be ‘friends’ to our kids that we’ve changed the actual parenting relationship? Is it because we’re often so busy working that we want to make all family moments good ones and so avoid potential conflict. I don’t know the answers but I am curious. Not didactic, not a fascist, not Ms Perfect – just curious.

For what it’s worth – given some of the commentary on my original post - our house is a chaotic muddle a lot of the time and my three infant children (there’s one last one on the way) are hardly poster children for some repressive domestic regime. They are feisty, spirited little people who are so different that sometimes it’s hard to believe they share the same genes. But we do have boundaries and we do have rules and when both are crossed there are consequences. I am sure my kids know they are loved, cherished and that they have our unconditional support. Our house is filled with laughter, fun and constant activity. But I have noticed that so many kids seem to crave adult structure. It’s like they can relax and be kids without having to contest everything because all the boundaries are there.

Anyway – maybe I didn’t articulate this right. I was shocked at the defensiveness and hostility out there but I guess parenting is tricky business. Thanks to those people who submitted some genuine perspectives.

[Anonymous]

This is not a debate- this gets nasty as always ....


I agree. What a bummer.