Why are parents so unempowered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP, you are missing something fundamental... empathy and humility.

We all do the best we can. We come here for support. What is the point of your post except to make people feel bad about themselves? Why do you feel the need to criticize others while bragging about your own "perfect" household?

In my experience, the people who feel the need to brag about their own perfect households and criticize others are the ones who are (and actually feel) the least perfect.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the original vent was a bit harsh, but the general point is a good one:

There are parents out there who need to get some spine and get over the fact that little Hannah and Aidan won't like their mommy every minute.

We've always held our child to a high standard of behavior while remembering he's a kid. He is a lovely boy, and he is not walking on egg shells.

[Anonymous]

"In my experience, the people who feel the need to brag about their own perfect households and criticize others are the ones who are (and actually feel) the least perfect."

..or the ones who've never had a difficult moment with their child. Oftentimes, I hate to say it, those who are most critical are those with one child.

[Anonymous]

you said it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the original vent was a bit harsh, but the general point is a good one:

There are parents out there who need to get some spine and get over the fact that little Hannah and Aidan won't like their mommy every minute.

We've always held our child to a high standard of behavior while remembering he's a kid. He is a lovely boy, and he is not walking on egg shells.

Um, ok. I still don't get the point of the post. And PUHLEEZ. I'm pretty sure all of the people on here know that "little Hannah and Aidan won't like their mommy every minute." I think it might help to explore why you feel the need to be so critical and patronizing. That's great about your high standards, lovely boy, etc. - if things are so great, why are you so angry toward other people you've never met?

[Anonymous]

well congratulations miss put together parent of the century!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the original vent was a bit harsh, but the general point is a good one:

There are parents out there who need to get some spine and get over the fact that little Hannah and Aidan won't like their mommy every minute.

We've always held our child to a high standard of behavior while remembering he's a kid. He is a lovely boy, and he is not walking on egg shells.

Who died and made you our parental counselor. Why do you immediately assume it is lack of backbone and the fear that "Hannah and Aidan" would not love us every minute of the day that motivates us. Until you walk in ALL our shoes you cannot make ANY assumptions regarding our parental styles and motivations.

For your information it is possible to discipline while still keeping a child secure in the fact that you love them. The biblical adage comes to mind-"Perfect love casts out fear". It simply cannot be healthy to threaten to withdraw love or indeed, as the OP does (if you are not the OP) actually withdraw love when a child misbehaves. Surely that would make a child insecure and frightened. That sounds like a controlling and selfish love to me. If your quest to have a "perfect child" would sacrifice that child's self esteem and security then NO the point is very much NOT A GOOD ONE.

[Anonymous]

Yessssssssss!!!! You are sooooooo right! Thanks for having the courage to tell everybody the truth.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in the military? Good on you for being the perfect parent. We're not worthy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something here? I read all these posts by moms who can’t get their toddler out of their bed, or the paci out of their toddler’s mouths, or food into the toddler etc. And then there’s parents with babies who hit them, are rude to them, throw tantrums and bite/scratch each other. I don’t consider myself a perfect parent (god forbid!) but this is just an anathema to me. My kids have always gone to bed at 6.30 (cuddles, sickness and night feeds not withstanding) because why would you get a child into a pattern that you then have to break? Why would you do something different and then try and ‘train’ them otherwise? We have zero tolerance for hitting, spitting etc and have a time-out/no treat consequence-combo that seems to do the trick. If any one of my babies are mean to me then they get no bedtime stories with daddy and no mommy-notes (I generally write them little snippets about stuff I love about them each night for bedtime) until they apologize properly. When did the littlest inmates take over the asylum? Why are parents so unempowered that they are held ransom by their kids? I find myself reading so many of these posts (which are helpful for the most part because we’re all feeling our way here) and wondering why people let their kids dictate their own lives. I don’t comment on most of the strands because others say things much more eloquently than myself but I find myself wanting to urge parents to take control. If you don’t like getting up a zillion times a night to put the paci back in then don’t do it. Chuck the darn thing in the bin. If you worry that the toddler in your bed is wrecking your marriage then get the toddler out of the bed and into a cot. If you think your child is disrespectful then ask yourself: is there a consequence or does the child just think s/he can get away with it? (Same goes for husbands I might add). We all seem to lament that children (writ large) are more selfish and demanding but is it surprising when they are given the impression that a few tears gets instant gratification – even if it’s not in their best interests?

There we go. I feel better now.

op, i get what you are saying, but you sound like one of those "tough love" kind of parents and probably one of those "it is either this way or that way" people, leaving no room for the murky gray area. just taking away a pacifier that a child has become accustomed to without any weaning can be like taking away their favorite blankie for no reason. sometimes you have to ease children into certain things and not be so tough. sometimes it is those children that grew up in the most inflexible households that go crazy when they break away and get into college. there has to be a balance and remember that these little guys are people too and have feelings etc... i am not perfect either and wish i could be stricter about some things and more patient about others. it is a work in progress but i think flexibility must have a role at some point in the whole parenting thing as well. as what works for one child could completely not work for another (that goes for siblings).

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. I just read your post more closely. Not only can you control your child, but you can control your husband too???

So all of us who have struggled as parents or struggled in our marriages are just not "strong enough?" Or good enough?

Give me a break. I think you doth protest too much! I wonder what's really going on in your life.

[Anonymous]

You know - OP - I wish I had the control you seem to have over your children - I am going crazy here, not feeling like I know how to enforce things. Whatever your secret is - good for you. But, for the rest of us this is really, really hard. how can you come down hard on this little person that you love so much - that you would die for? It is an awful feeling to be so angry and so powerless over these little beings and yet so, so in love. I wish we all knew the secret to firm control, without losing our tempers and without losing our minds. Kudos to you (and I am not being sarcastic) for figuring it out - or just being lucky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know - OP - I wish I had the control you seem to have over your children - I am going crazy here, not feeling like I know how to enforce things. Whatever your secret is - good for you. But, for the rest of us this is really, really hard. how can you come down hard on this little person that you love so much - that you would die for? It is an awful feeling to be so angry and so powerless over these little beings and yet so, so in love. I wish we all knew the secret to firm control, without losing our tempers and without losing our minds. Kudos to you (and I am not being sarcastic) for figuring it out - or just being lucky!

Don't forget, she knows the secret to controlling her husband too! She can control adults too! Do you want to congratulate her for that too? And for doing things like throwing pacifiers into the garbage bin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you in the military? Good on you for being the perfect parent. We're not worthy!!

Military doesn't have a damn thing to do with the op. I was military, my DH retired from millitary, I would never withhold love for punishemnt! It is a control freak that does that. So sorry for the child. I do expect my children to TRY to follow our rules, but fully expect them to break them too. They are just children.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget, she knows the secret to controlling her husband too! She can control adults too! Do you want to congratulate her for that too? And for doing things like throwing pacifiers into the garbage bin?
PP here - I know - she does sound pretty extreme - guess I am just frustrated today with a screaming 2 yo who wants a sandwich, doesn't want a sandwich, wamts this cartoon, then that cartoon, wants to hold the cup, spills the juice, screams if I try to take it away, wants another book (#20) while getting ready to nap, wants this pillow - no that pillow.......on, and on and on. My intentions are good - I wish I could make him happy - but HOW? It is just soooooooo frustrating. I don't think being firm and saying NO at this age works...or maybe it does and I am not doing it right?
Anyone out there watch Supernanny? She always seems to be able to do it! Why can't I??????