Adult middle children— do you still have “Jan Brady” syndrome?

[Anonymous]

I’m a middle child and have found as an adult that I have some pretty classic middle child issues. Feeling overlooked and unsupported, having major events in my life overshadowed.

I started therapy about a decade ago and have dealt with a lot of my issues. I’ve found that since I don’t really get the support from my family that I feel I need, I’ve found other ways to get that support— a great friend group that I’ve had for my entire adult life, and my husband.

The problem is that my family resents this. They tell me that I act like I’m “too good” for them and accuse me of being insufficiently supportive of them. When I point out that I was exceedingly supportive for many years (helping to plan and even hosting family weddings, taking time off from my job to help take care of newborn nieces and nephews, and that these efforts were not reciprocated, they tell me to stop keeping score and that I’m being petty. My brother told me I have “Jan Brady syndrome” and that I need to get over it.

I love my family and don’t want to hurt them. But these things I’ve been doing for myself have made me feel really whole and loved for the first time in my life. My husband and friends never just assume I’ll take a backseat to others. I’m not the center of attention, but I don’t feel pushed aside either.

Anyone else deal with this? Is there any way to reconcile this with my family? My therapist says that sometimes families that settle into certain dynamics really fight any shift because they benefit from the previous pecking order. She encourages me to set boundaries and maintain them, but I don’t want to destroy my family relationships. Any insight?

[Anonymous]

So what do they want you to do that you aren’t doing? I don’t think you need to “justify” not doing things now because you are you did stuff in the past and it wasn’t reciprocated. Just do what you feel you can do and decline the things you can’t or don’t want to do. For example if you are asked to host a baby shower, “I’m unable to help host right now, but I’m sure that will be a lot of fun for whoever can host it” and not “No, I’m not hosting because I hosted Larla’s three years ago and no one did anything for me.”

There is ZERO benefit of bringing up stuff from the past. You will just sound bitter.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I'm a middle child who could have written much of your post.

You have a good therapist. Stick to your boundaries and what makes you feel loved and supported. I think you'll likely find that your family will not abandon you...and you may even see them start to make more of a proactive effort. At least my older sister has, though after years of her first telling me I was being selfish when I did things to prioritize my relationship with DH, for example.

[Anonymous]

In my family the middle kid (not me) is the ball-breaker. She is wonderful but you better do what she tells you or you're not gonna be happy when she hears about it! She has the most successful job and makes mega bank. The rest of us look like lazy bumbling schmucks around her.

I don't know what to tell you OP except stick it out with therapy so you feel happier with yourself. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what do they want you to do that you aren’t doing? I don’t think you need to “justify” not doing things now because you are you did stuff in the past and it wasn’t reciprocated. Just do what you feel you can do and decline the things you can’t or don’t want to do. For example if you are asked to host a baby shower, “I’m unable to help host right now, but I’m sure that will be a lot of fun for whoever can host it” and not “No, I’m not hosting because I hosted Larla’s three years ago and no one did anything for me.”

There is ZERO benefit of bringing up stuff from the past. You will just sound bitter.

It is largely around family visits and planning family reunions and other events. I used to make all the effort. I would visit them (my sister has actually never been to visit us since we got married 7 years ago, even though we have been to visit many times in that time span). I would take the lead on planning events for our parents to celebrate milestone birthdays and anniversaries. But a few years ago, I stopped this. We still visit, but not as often, and will choose to go on trips with just our family more often. I've also pulled back on helping to plan things and no longer volunteer to host things. I focus more on my family or taking trips or showing up for my friends. But if I say we aren't coming to them for a family holiday or that we can't do something with the family because we have other commitments, they accuse me of being selfish. And in a way, I am being selfish. I've just really started prioritizing myself and my husband and child in the last few years and started letting go of the guilt to always focus all my energy on my FOO.

I see your point about not bringing up things from the past. I've only done it once, in a recent blowup about planning a family reunion for next year post-Covid. I know it's not productive.

[Anonymous]

On your update above, I just want to emphasize that you we NOT being selfish. Selfish is taking the best guest room in a vacation house, expecting people to cater to only your needs, not thinking of others, etc. Creating a life with your husband, kids, friends is healthy - not selfish.

Family: “I can’t believe you aren’t coming to Uncle Larlo’s 67th birthday party. You are so selfish.”
You: “it sounds like such a fun gathering - I know you all will have a great time. I look forward to seeing you all for the July 4th weekend - anything I can do to help for plans that weekend?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I'm a middle child who could have written much of your post.

You have a good therapist. Stick to your boundaries and what makes you feel loved and supported. I think you'll likely find that your family will not abandon you...and you may even see them start to make more of a proactive effort. At least my older sister has, though after years of her first telling me I was being selfish when I did things to prioritize my relationship with DH, for example.

OP here. Thank you for this. My brother's words to me the other day really stung and I've been having trouble letting it go. I have worked for years on my self-esteem and have made so much progress -- I no longer get down on myself when I get criticism like at work or from a friend or acquaintance (because I know the shame I feel comes from feelings that started in childhood). But my family can still push my buttons and I definitely started spiraling a bit this week. I had been thinking that Covid was making things easier because it's temporarily relieved the pressure of family obligations, but I'm now realizing that it might backfire when the pandemic ends, because there's a lot of built up expectations and I think my family has the idea that we (meaning my husband and I) are going to be going above and beyond for the next few years to "make up" for the lost time. I'm going to need to keep up my strength to maintain those boundaries! But I hope you are right and that in the long run they come around. I know everyone is having a hard time this year, and hopefully this was just an outburst related to that stress and not a permanent fixture of our relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On your update above, I just want to emphasize that you we NOT being selfish. Selfish is taking the best guest room in a vacation house, expecting people to cater to only your needs, not thinking of others, etc. Creating a life with your husband, kids, friends is healthy - not selfish.

Family: “I can’t believe you aren’t coming to Uncle Larlo’s 67th birthday party. You are so selfish.”
You: “it sounds like such a fun gathering - I know you all will have a great time. I look forward to seeing you all for the July 4th weekend - anything I can do to help for plans that weekend?”

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure you have middle child syndrome. It sounds more like you got a bit ignored, you made a huge effort, your family took total advantage of that, and now gaslights you when you have a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure you have middle child syndrome. It sounds more like you got a bit ignored, you made a huge effort, your family took total advantage of that, and now gaslights you when you have a backbone.

And gaslighting is abusive, so I wonder what the deeper family dysfunction is. I always jump to "personality disorders". OP, it sounds like you have had trouble enforcing boundaries in the past, and that your family has no problem walking all over you. But you've already made a lot of progress, and you are in thetapy. You should feel good about that. Just keep up with the boundaries, and keep going. I am a Cindy Brady from another dysfunctional family, and I feel for you. The Jan in my family was dealt a bad hand, but we all were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I'm a middle child who could have written much of your post.

You have a good therapist. Stick to your boundaries and what makes you feel loved and supported. I think you'll likely find that your family will not abandon you...and you may even see them start to make more of a proactive effort. At least my older sister has, though after years of her first telling me I was being selfish when I did things to prioritize my relationship with DH, for example.

I am an only child and have had the exact same conversations with my therapist. There were a lot of adults in my family and I was not demanding as a child, so I was often overlooked.

This strategy has helped my family relationships and my own mental health tremendously.