Reply to Adult middle children— do you still have “Jan Brady” syndrome?

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m a middle child and have found as an adult that I have some pretty classic middle child issues. Feeling overlooked and unsupported, having major events in my life overshadowed.

I started therapy about a decade ago and have dealt with a lot of my issues. I’ve found that since I don’t really get the support from my family that I feel I need, I’ve found other ways to get that support— a great friend group that I’ve had for my entire adult life, and my husband.

The problem is that my family resents this. They tell me that I act like I’m “too good” for them and accuse me of being insufficiently supportive of them. When I point out that I was exceedingly supportive for many years (helping to plan and even hosting family weddings, taking time off from my job to help take care of newborn nieces and nephews, and that these efforts were not reciprocated, they tell me to stop keeping score and that I’m being petty. My brother told me I have “Jan Brady syndrome” and that I need to get over it.

I love my family and don’t want to hurt them. But these things I’ve been doing for myself have made me feel really whole and loved for the first time in my life. My husband and friends never just assume I’ll take a backseat to others. I’m not the center of attention, but I don’t feel pushed aside either.

Anyone else deal with this? Is there any way to reconcile this with my family? My therapist says that sometimes families that settle into certain dynamics really fight any shift because they benefit from the previous pecking order. She encourages me to set boundaries and maintain them, but I don’t want to destroy my family relationships. Any insight?[/quote]

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