Reply to Adult middle children— do you still have “Jan Brady” syndrome?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So what do they want you to do that you aren’t doing? I don’t think you need to “justify” not doing things now because you are you did stuff in the past and it wasn’t reciprocated. Just do what you feel you can do and decline the things you can’t or don’t want to do. For example if you are asked to host a baby shower, “I’m unable to help host right now, but I’m sure that will be a lot of fun for whoever can host it” and not “No, I’m not hosting because I hosted Larla’s three years ago and no one did anything for me.”

There is ZERO benefit of bringing up stuff from the past. You will just sound bitter. [/quote]

It is largely around family visits and planning family reunions and other events. I used to make all the effort. I would visit them (my sister has actually never been to visit us since we got married 7 years ago, even though we have been to visit many times in that time span). I would take the lead on planning events for our parents to celebrate milestone birthdays and anniversaries. But a few years ago, I stopped this. We still visit, but not as often, and will choose to go on trips with just our family more often. I've also pulled back on helping to plan things and no longer volunteer to host things. I focus more on my family or taking trips or showing up for my friends. But if I say we aren't coming to them for a family holiday or that we can't do something with the family because we have other commitments, they accuse me of being selfish. And in a way, I am being selfish. I've just really started prioritizing myself and my husband and child in the last few years and started letting go of the guilt to always focus all my energy on my FOO.

I see your point about not bringing up things from the past. I've only done it once, in a recent blowup about planning a family reunion for next year post-Covid. I know it's not productive.[/quote]

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