Hearing I Love You way too late

[Anonymous]

Is there a point in a relationship where if one person expresses love after the other does, there’s no point in even hearing it?

Curious whether the consensus is that if it is not said by both within a very short span, it’s basically over. This is my personal take.

[Anonymous]

I was in love with DH within a month. I never said it, but he knew. He didn’t say it until almost 9 months. Took forever! But once he did, he’s never stopped saying it several times a day.

[Anonymous]

I told DH at 6 months and he didn’t say it back for another year. It was an area of tension but I knew deep down it was true. Many people told me to break up with him but I knew his personality, and the issue was not that he was a player or something like that

[Anonymous]

My husband told me he loved me after 6 weeks of dating but I think he said it so I would cash in my v card... it all worked out though and we are still married 20 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told DH at 6 months and he didn’t say it back for another year. It was an area of tension but I knew deep down it was true. Many people told me to break up with him but I knew his personality, and the issue was not that he was a player or something like that

Is he very reticent overall?

[Anonymous]

Too soon is too facile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too soon is too facile.

Why so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a point in a relationship where if one person expresses love after the other does, there’s no point in even hearing it?

Curious whether the consensus is that if it is not said by both within a very short span, it’s basically over. This is my personal take.

Yes

Too little too late guys are a struggle to do anything with

[Anonymous]

Context matters and it depends on the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told DH at 6 months and he didn’t say it back for another year. It was an area of tension but I knew deep down it was true. Many people told me to break up with him but I knew his personality, and the issue was not that he was a player or something like that

Is he very reticent overall?

I’m not sure if reticent is the right word. He’s a little socially awkward and, I know dcum doesn’t like this but it’s true, he’s on the edge of the spectrum. He is very bad at talking through his feelings generally, about all things not just love. He feels deeply but takes a long time to work through feelings. He’s also extraordinarily indecisive and I was his first real intense relationship so he was feeling his way through it for the first time.

The flip side of this is once he’s figured it out is set entirely in stone. Once he said it I knew we were forever. If I found out he was cheating on me or something I’d be more shocked than angry, I don’t even think I’d believe it.

A lot of people who didn’t know him saw a quiet kind of distant guy and figured he was stringing me along but he was not that quiet distant guy with me. And I knew a million percent that the issue was not him playing the field.

I’m always reluctant (reticent!) to tell people this because I do think this was kind of unusual and I would have told myself to dump him! My dh is a different kind of guy. I genuinely think, barring health issues, that we will be one of the couples happily married for 60 years. I am happy I stuck it out because I think we had a very genuine connection and he did a lot of things right to make up for it (although it took him another year and a half to want to get married and to be comfortable saying i love you regularly).

I guess I want to stress that I stuck it out because I knew in my deep down gut feeling that he did love me. I was trying to use logic to talk me about of what I knew was true. If your gut is telling you that somethings wrong and you’re looking for stories where it worked out to convince you to push past that don’t let my story let you do that.

[Anonymous]

My husband also took a long time. We met a few weeks after he came out of a long term relationship, and he didn’t expect to meet someone new so quickly. It just took him awhile to feel ready and fully present, i think. It was hard at the time, but it’s seven years later now and doesn’t feel important anymore.

I think it just depends on the situation and how fast the relationship is moving in general.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. Is the first person saying it way too soon? Is anyone using “I love you” as a form of manipulation?

I was always very quick to say “I love you”. As I got older, I realized I didn’t love them, it was all hormones and infatuation. I spent the rest of our relationship trying to change them into what I wanted, or I would change my mind and bail once I got to know them and realized I didn’t love them, or they also claimed to love me but bailed when they realized I wasn’t what they actually wanted.

It resulted in a lot of heartbreak and hurt feelings all around, so I stopped saying it so early. Now I’d probably wait a year before saying it.

I’m also very wary of people who say it too quickly. Many use it as a form of love bombing. Awhile back, I started dating a friend of mine and he said “I love you” almost immediately. Soon after, he started showing signs of jealousy and control (asking where I was, implying I couldn’t hang out with my male friends anymore, telling me I couldn’t adopt a pet).

I think the other person needs to be honest and give an explanation why they won’t say it. If they do care about them but just aren’t there yet, they can say so. But if they are on totally different pages - one person is in love, the other wants to be open to other options - they need to be upfront and not lead them on.

Now if someone refuses to say it for a couple years and only says it once their partner wants to leave, yea, it’s too late. And they’re a jerk for using “I love you” as a form of control.

[Anonymous]

Knowing what I know now ... too soon is worse than later. There’s so much more that goes into a good relationship.

That said, if it was a really long time, I might wonder. It could be that they aren’t actually committed or interested in commiting. It could also be a weird control thing. Or it could be a very inflexible way of thinking where they have some weird standard about what “love” means.

At the end of the day, for me, a solid relationship means that my partner doesn’t have any weird hangups or beliefs about relationships that stray really far from culturally expected behaviors. So yes, it would be a red flag if they refused to say “I love you” for a really long time. “I love you” just expresses that you feel happy, attracted, and very attached to your partner - if you can’t say that, for whatever reason, within a fairly standard time period (maybe 6-9 months tops) there’s an issue.

PP’s example of being patient with her aspie husband is interesting. For me personally, that would still be a red flag, because I need more emotional support and can’t be the one doing all the emoting. But I can believe she understood him well enough not to be worried. However, I think men refusing to say “ I love you” is far more often a sign of control, avoidant personality, or lack of committment.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who’s been in a relationship for 5 years and her boyfriend still hasn’t said it. I have no clue what she’s doing.

[Anonymous]

It was a very long time before my now DH said the L word and while it bothered me he showed it in many other ways beyond just great sex. After 30 years he says it frequently and the sex is still great so I’m very happy.