Hearing I Love You way too late

[Anonymous]

People say it a few months into affairs. I mean “come on!”. Affair sex isn’t love. Too many people mistake lust for love. You don’t even know a person and all of their strengths ...as well as faults and shortcomings. And, this is why there are so many failed marriages. People in love with the idea of love, but zero concept of what it truly is. The things you do when in love with someone often aren’t glamorous, but you don’t cut and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Knowing what I know now ... too soon is worse than later. There’s so much more that goes into a good relationship.

That said, if it was a really long time, I might wonder. It could be that they aren’t actually committed or interested in commiting. It could also be a weird control thing. Or it could be a very inflexible way of thinking where they have some weird standard about what “love” means.

At the end of the day, for me, a solid relationship means that my partner doesn’t have any weird hangups or beliefs about relationships that stray really far from culturally expected behaviors. So yes, it would be a red flag if they refused to say “I love you” for a really long time. “I love you” just expresses that you feel happy, attracted, and very attached to your partner - if you can’t say that, for whatever reason, within a fairly standard time period (maybe 6-9 months tops) there’s an issue.

PP’s example of being patient with her aspie husband is interesting. For me personally, that would still be a red flag, because I need more emotional support and can’t be the one doing all the emoting. But I can believe she understood him well enough not to be worried. However, I think men refusing to say “ I love you” is far more often a sign of control, avoidant personality, or lack of committment.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to say it 3 months in but waited until DH said it at 5 months in. My ex before him said it 2 weeks in, which seemed way too early and I wasn't ready to say it back.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the people involved. If you need someone that can express themselves emotionally to be happy in the relationship, being with someone that is holds back emotionally may not be a good fit. I personally needed someone in the middle, not the 6 week quick “I love you” (that would have scared the crap out of me) but not dating over a year and still nothing.

I would be curious from the other side with a guy saying it first and the woman waiting another year or more to say it back.

[Anonymous]

My DH didn't say it for a very long time. We had something really terrible happen, and that's when he said it. I just looked at him and said 'I know that!" and went on crying about the terrible thing. When you know, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who’s been in a relationship for 5 years and her boyfriend still hasn’t said it. I have no clue what she’s doing.

She's getting her back blown out.

[Anonymous]

It took DH about 8 months.

[Anonymous]

The last person who told me that they loved me took 9 months to say it. And said it because we had gotten in to a fight about him not saying it when I was trying to end the relationship because he wouldn't say it and it had caused a lot of hurt and resentment to build over time. We stayed together another year after that, but shouldn't have.

I definitely think it can be said too late. When you really care about someone, continuing to not hear them say it can really cut deep. For me, feeling like I continually had to doubt how much he cared about me was the beginning of the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last person who told me that they loved me took 9 months to say it. And said it because we had gotten in to a fight about him not saying it when I was trying to end the relationship because he wouldn't say it and it had caused a lot of hurt and resentment to build over time. We stayed together another year after that, but shouldn't have.

I definitely think it can be said too late. When you really care about someone, continuing to not hear them say it can really cut deep. For me, feeling like I continually had to doubt how much he cared about me was the beginning of the end.

The fight to get him to say it should have been your exit. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last person who told me that they loved me took 9 months to say it. And said it because we had gotten in to a fight about him not saying it when I was trying to end the relationship because he wouldn't say it and it had caused a lot of hurt and resentment to build over time. We stayed together another year after that, but shouldn't have.

I definitely think it can be said too late. When you really care about someone, continuing to not hear them say it can really cut deep. For me, feeling like I continually had to doubt how much he cared about me was the beginning of the end.

The fight to get him to say it should have been your exit. Good lord.

Yep, I think they realized that, but thanks for playing.