DH never lets me know he’s going to be late.

[Anonymous]

It’s an ongoing issue. He works until 5:30 but has an hour commute. I always start cooking dinner at 5:30 with the expectation we will all eat at 6:30. It never fails that whenever he’s running late, he doesn’t give me the consideration of a text to let me know. It’s an ongoing complaint of mine and I will explain why:

If I knew he was going to be very late, I wouldn’t cook. I’d pop something easy in the oven for the kids, get them to bed early, and have wine and ice cream for dinner. Like I said, I cook at 5:30, but that’s also the busiest time of the evening for us; kids doing homework, laundry to be started, etc etc. I’d love to be informed NOT to cook. Instead, he leaves me in the dark and I waste time cooking a family dinner. (Yes, he has access to his phone to send “late don’t cook” at the very least, and would obviously know at 5:30 that he wasn’t leaving the building. No excuses.)

Every time it happens, I explain to him what I’ve explained here to you. I just want a heads up so I don’t start dinner.

I talked to my friend about it and she’s like, make him call every day when he leaves. But I’m not his mommy. I could stop cooking dinner during the week, only on the weekends. Make him fend for himself with cereal or PBJ. But that seems punitive to the point of being petty, and maybe even more work for myself in the long run because I still have kids to feed, as well as myself. But maybe not?

What actions can I do MYSELF that aren’t petty but will finally get the point across? I’m really, really livid after this last time tonight. He knew very early he would be late, knew I was having a stressful, busy day, and still didn’t have the consideration to just send a three word text.

Is this hopeless or do you all have advice?

[Anonymous]

What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

[Anonymous]

I used to be in DH’s position a little bit so I understand both sides. I was always in a scramble to finish work by 5:30 and often couldn’t swing it. I always thought it would be “just another minute” and then that would turn into 15 or 30 minutes so incredibly fast because I was laser focused on finishing. Eventually my DH told me I just had to text. Or on nights where he was going to cook he’d call me and I’d tell him what was up.

I’d say your best bet is only cook when it’s convenient for you to do so. Or set aside one or two nights a week where he has to be home at 6:30 no excuses because you’re cooking. Then instead of checking in every night he knows that there are two nights he can’t be late. (And obviously he has to call).

Can he finish work from home? Leaving at 5:30 is tough in dc in some jobs and an hour commute sucks. Can he telework ever?

[Anonymous]

Stop cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I wouldn’t tolerate that either. It’s inconsiderate. It takes literally no effort to text LATE.

Buy a few boxes of his favorite cereal and a gallon of milk. That shit will get old fast quick and he will start remembering to use his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

So how often has this actually happened, OP?

In any event, I think you also have failed to communicate. If you are having an overwhelmed day, YOU text him and say "I'm not cooking tonight."

[Anonymous]

Turn on “find your friend” function on his phone so you can see if he is on the way home or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

So how often has this actually happened, OP?

In any event, I think you also have failed to communicate. If you are having an overwhelmed day, YOU text him and say "I'm not cooking tonight."

I communicate every time it happens! I’m not his mother, I don’t expect him to tell me his whereabouts. I do expect him to let me know not to cook. I’ve explained this to him. But yes today was too much, but that doesn’t negate the past or the future. I’m just frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Who goes to work these days?

Setting that aside, it sounds like happens super rarely so you should probably just chill. You and the kids eat it, he can reheat when he gets home. Your kids shouldn’t get trash food just because your DH works late. Also you shouldn’t just have ice cream and wine as an alternative. It’s like there’s no rationale for self respect without Dad being home?

[Anonymous]

1. Make simpler dinners that take 30 min
2. On weekends make large meals like lasagna, stuffed peppers etc so you don’t have to cook beyond a salad on mon and tues
3. Have dinner with your kids at 6:30 with or without DH. If he comes late he can get his own dinner from leftovers or cereal.
4. And most important and hardest: thank profusely and say positive things when he comes home by dinner. And be sincere.
It sounds backwards and very mental load on you but it may really really help. Positive reinforcement works much better than negative especially with men in my experience. Feels silly and counterintuitive but worth a try for two-three weeks?
I do this and dh does it with me. I thanked him for doing the laundry for a month straight since I hate that chore and he’s ended up doing mine and the kids every week now. He thanks me for making dinner and picking up my clutter and I want to do it more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

So how often has this actually happened, OP?

In any event, I think you also have failed to communicate. If you are having an overwhelmed day, YOU text him and say "I'm not cooking tonight."

I communicate every time it happens! I’m not his mother, I don’t expect him to tell me his whereabouts. I do expect him to let me know not to cook. I’ve explained this to him. But yes today was too much, but that doesn’t negate the past or the future. I’m just frustrated.

So you are his mother. Do what you have to do, and he can adapt, or not. It's his problem. There's really no reason you need to plan your behavior around adults who presumably know what time of day supper is served.

[Anonymous]

DW would do this (well, pre-pandemix when she worked at an office). I told her dinner will be on the table at 6:30 and we'll be eating it then. She was late or missed a few dinners, but that's on her. We still had a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn on “find your friend” function on his phone so you can see if he is on the way home or not.

+1.

[Anonymous]

You sound like June Cleaver (google Leave it to Beaver). My husband gets home between 6:30 and 7:30 and he will call me if he is going to be later. I start dinner when he gets home (our kids eat earlier) and while it’s cooking he is with the kids playing or helping with homework. Dinner takes 30 minutes to prepare. Are you roasting a 20 pound turkey?