DH never lets me know he’s going to be late.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him that unless he calls you when he is leaving work, you will not be cooking dinner. Then cook something easy for the kids and eat whatever you want. Unless you want to cook for you and the kids anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop cooking.

This seems like the obvious solution to me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that unless he calls you when he is leaving work, you will not be cooking dinner. Then cook something easy for the kids and eat whatever you want. Unless you want to cook for you and the kids anyway.

I agree with this. Right now your default is cooking for him* unless he calls to say not to. Instead, shift tote default to cooking whatever you please for you and the kids unless he calls to say he’s coming home.

*does he even care if you cook? My DH loves a good meal but honestly is also fine with a sandwich or cereal or leftovers.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I guess it’s time to get off my high horse.

It’s really more of an issue of mutual respect, I feel, because he knows it bothers me but does it anyway. If it wasn’t food, would you all feel the same? I don’t know. It just seems to me that if your spouse tells you something you do bothers them, it’s reasonable to try to not do it. Maybe I’m just being irrational.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t about him being inconsiderate - this is a power struggle. Take your power back and do what you want re: dinner - he’ll fall in line.

[Anonymous]

Does he have ADHD? Being serious here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn on “find your friend” function on his phone so you can see if he is on the way home or not.

Yep. I did this so my wife could know when I left and if I got caught in traffic rather than having to fiddle with texting.

I’m usually rushing to get out, and stopping to text break the stride and makes even later.

[Anonymous]

I’d just assume he will never be home at that time and do what’s easiest for you. That way you don’t have to waste your energy being upset since you don’t expect him anyway.

Before covid, DH would stay late at the office and finish up whenever he wanted. I always had to leave work on time to pick up the kids, get them going on homework, etc. It was frustrating to be close to finishing something but never able to stay and just knock it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn on “find your friend” function on his phone so you can see if he is on the way home or not.

Yep. I did this so my wife could know when I left and if I got caught in traffic rather than having to fiddle with texting.

I’m usually rushing to get out, and stopping to text break the stride and makes even later.

Same here. She knows exactly when I’ll be walking in the door, and I don’t get those “have you left yet” phone calls and texts. It’s a perfect arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

I would cut him out of the equation. If you feel like cooking for yourself and the kids then do but if you don’t feel like it don’t. Let him fend for himself. It sounds like you’ve been too accommodating for him. Let him heat up leftovers when he gets home.

[Anonymous]

6:30 pm is an early dinner. Your micromanaging is absurd. It’s not like our housekeeper cares if she reheats a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like June Cleaver (google Leave it to Beaver). My husband gets home between 6:30 and 7:30 and he will call me if he is going to be later. I start dinner when he gets home (our kids eat earlier) and while it’s cooking he is with the kids playing or helping with homework. Dinner takes 30 minutes to prepare. Are you roasting a 20 pound turkey?

The OP seems reasonable to me. This seems like a lot of work. You prepare two dinners every day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

I would cut him out of the equation. If you feel like cooking for yourself and the kids then do but if you don’t feel like it don’t. Let him fend for himself. It sounds like you’ve been too accommodating for him. Let him heat up leftovers when he gets home.

This is what we do. It isn’t that great of a solution, though. Unfortunately, the consequence of not caring whether he gets home or not is that we don’t care if her gets home or not. Because he can’t be depended on, DH has become more of a welcome visitor than a true member of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn on “find your friend” function on his phone so you can see if he is on the way home or not.

Good idea.

OP, DH and I had the same issue when the kids were little. We talked about it - after quite a while of me being really frustrated. He realized a tiny act on his part would make a difference in my well-being. So he just developed a habit of checking in (usually by text) near the end of the day with an ETA. I could then decide whether to cook a real dinner or not. We also agreed that there were two nights a week where I expected him to work late.

Now my job is the busy one and even though my “commute” is down the stairs to the kitchen at night, we still make plans on days that I feel I need to work late, he will be in charge of dinner.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say about why he can’t call as he’s walking to his car?

As I said, I’ve never asked. I always assume he’s on his way home, and he usually walks through the door at 6:30 sharp.

Should I honestly make him call every day and just assume I shouldn’t cook if he doesn’t call by 5:30? Is that the answer? If no call by 5:45, kids get nuggets and dad gets cereal?

I would cut him out of the equation. If you feel like cooking for yourself and the kids then do but if you don’t feel like it don’t. Let him fend for himself. It sounds like you’ve been too accommodating for him. Let him heat up leftovers when he gets home.

This is what we do. It isn’t that great of a solution, though. Unfortunately, the consequence of not caring whether he gets home or not is that we don’t care if he gets home or not. Because he can’t be depended on, DH has become more of a welcome visitor than a true member of the family.

This. The consequence is a bad one for family feeling. I've experienced it with my spouse in different ways (he's hypercritical, so I just stopped caring about his opinion because it was making me feel bad all the time. But it's not a good thing not to care what your spouse thinks. It's not a good thing to not care whether he is home for dinner or not.

So I would probably do something in the middle. I would only cook meals that took 30 minutes or less, and/or were really easy and simple. Also, I would only cook things that I really liked. If he gets home on time, great! If not, he can heat up leftovers, but I wouldn't feel resentful that I spent an hour making a meal.