Estranged Sibling entered rehab for alcoholism and wants to talk

[Anonymous]

My younger brother just went into rehab after years of alcohol abuse. This is a good thing but he’s now making the rounds with family and apologizing for his bad behavior. We had been close and kids but as we reached out 30’s his drinking got out of control. Over the years he has insulted my family, especially me and my wife totally unprovoked at family gatherings. I didn’t realized the extend of his alcohol abuse then and just thought he was being a jerk and limited contact. Since he’s let me know he wants to talk about this I suddenly feel really mad again about all of his antics. I’m not sure I’m ready to have these conversations with him. Has anyone who has had a family member in the recovery process not participated in these talks?

[Anonymous]

If he's doing a 12 step program, which I assume this is about, it says you're not supposed to make amends in cases where it would cause harm. So just let him know that. And maybe look at therapy or Al-Anon (personally not keen about 12 step programs, but many people are).

[Anonymous]

I think you’re allowed to tell him all he ways he hurt you. Would that help you feel better if he had to really sit and listen to it and was able to give you a true apology?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and right now feel like my answer to his request is that I’m not ready to have this discussion and need more time. I also am taking my wife into consideration who he’s hurt many times with his unprovoked verbal attacks. I’m happy my brother is getting help and would eventually like to have a relationship with him, just not now. For some reason it makes me feel like a selfish monster.

[Anonymous]

Give it more time. Both of you need some distance on this. He can’t rush through his 12 steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and right now feel like my answer to his request is that I’m not ready to have this discussion and need more time. I also am taking my wife into consideration who he’s hurt many times with his unprovoked verbal attacks. I’m happy my brother is getting help and would eventually like to have a relationship with him, just not now. For some reason it makes me feel like a selfish monster.

I don’t think your reaction is wrong. But if there’s any way you can respond warmly and supportively even while keeping your boundaries that you’re not ready to have a full discussion, I think you would feel like you did the right thing.

In the meantime, try al-anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and right now feel like my answer to his request is that I’m not ready to have this discussion and need more time. I also am taking my wife into consideration who he’s hurt many times with his unprovoked verbal attacks. I’m happy my brother is getting help and would eventually like to have a relationship with him, just not now. For some reason it makes me feel like a selfish monster.

I don’t think your reaction is wrong. But if there’s any way you can respond warmly and supportively even while keeping your boundaries that you’re not ready to have a full discussion, I think you would feel like you did the right thing.

In the meantime, try al-anon.

I forgot to add - I have been the recipient of an AA apology and it was actually really healing and affirming. It was a much lower stakes situation than yours (ex boyfriend who had done some stalkerish stuff) but I suspect it could be important for you too. So I would not close the door on hearing the apology but you also don’t have to discuss it or invite him to Thanksgiving or forgive him or let him verbally abuse your wife again. You can just listen to what he has to say. Refusing to even listen may be a way to exert power/control/punish ... maybe you are completely justified in that, but do take a minute to really think about your motivations and whether you can be vulnerable enough to listen.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to attend a few Al-Anon meetings to get yourself into a better place to understand your anger and resentment, and if you're going to be able to accept that and move past it in an effort to help your brother. No one else can do that for you. If you don't want to go to Al-Anon then consider some individual therapy.

Keep in mind that it is okay and even reasonable to be angry with his past behavior. Your brother harmed you and your family.

My question for you is: how long are you going to carry the burden of your anger and resentment? Your brother can't go back and fix what he has done. All he can do is express true regret and try to make amends. And your brother can't control your feelings about what happened - only you can. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious but how long are you going to carry the grudge?

I get it. I have reason to be angry and unhappy with the alcoholic who drove drunk and killed my family. At some point though you have to let it go or it will consume you.

Finally. You have children. Your brother has a disease. Model for your children how you want them to treat other people with a disease.

Sorry if this all sounds too harsh. I know you are feeling hurt. I really hope you try to help your brother. The world could do with one less actively drinking alcoholic in it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. How do you handle a situation where the person sort of apologizes but then says they blacked out so don’t remember the bad behavior? Do you bring up specifics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do you handle a situation where the person sort of apologizes but then says they blacked out so don’t remember the bad behavior? Do you bring up specifics?

I don’t think it would be useful to get into a ton of specifics, but I do think conveying what actually happened and how you felt is important. But yeah, I know how hard it can be not to have a shared reality with someone who hurt you. Are you worried he will deny or minimize? Your truth here is how he hurt you - for me, it helps to remind myself that I know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to attend a few Al-Anon meetings to get yourself into a better place to understand your anger and resentment, and if you're going to be able to accept that and move past it in an effort to help your brother. No one else can do that for you. If you don't want to go to Al-Anon then consider some individual therapy.

Keep in mind that it is okay and even reasonable to be angry with his past behavior. Your brother harmed you and your family.

My question for you is: how long are you going to carry the burden of your anger and resentment? Your brother can't go back and fix what he has done. All he can do is express true regret and try to make amends. And your brother can't control your feelings about what happened - only you can. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious but how long are you going to carry the grudge?

I get it. I have reason to be angry and unhappy with the alcoholic who drove drunk and killed my family. At some point though you have to let it go or it will consume you.

Finally. You have children. Your brother has a disease. Model for your children how you want them to treat other people with a disease.

Sorry if this all sounds too harsh. I know you are feeling hurt. I really hope you try to help your brother. The world could do with one less actively drinking alcoholic in it.

Wow. You must be a saint on earth to have had your family killed by a drunk driver yet not even carry a grudge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do you handle a situation where the person sort of apologizes but then says they blacked out so don’t remember the bad behavior? Do you bring up specifics?

I would not do this now in rehab. I would say I appreciate the apology and want you to get well, but we will need to have a longer conversation about this when you're feeling better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m feeling cornered because my family has already had issues with the boundaries I have chosen to set up between my brother and my family’. In their eyes I’m taking my brothers bad behavior too seriously and should forgive so we can all be a family. Sounds nice in theory but years of drunken tirades and inappropriate behavior just doesn't go away. I also feel compelled to defend my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m feeling cornered because my family has already had issues with the boundaries I have chosen to set up between my brother and my family’. In their eyes I’m taking my brothers bad behavior too seriously and should forgive so we can all be a family. Sounds nice in theory but years of drunken tirades and inappropriate behavior just doesn't go away. I also feel compelled to defend my wife.

This is about you and your conscience - ignore your family. Also listening to the apology is not betraying your wife. (In face she deserves her own apology.) All it’s doing is listening; that’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to attend a few Al-Anon meetings to get yourself into a better place to understand your anger and resentment, and if you're going to be able to accept that and move past it in an effort to help your brother. No one else can do that for you. If you don't want to go to Al-Anon then consider some individual therapy.

Keep in mind that it is okay and even reasonable to be angry with his past behavior. Your brother harmed you and your family.

My question for you is: how long are you going to carry the burden of your anger and resentment? Your brother can't go back and fix what he has done. All he can do is express true regret and try to make amends. And your brother can't control your feelings about what happened - only you can. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious but how long are you going to carry the grudge?

I get it. I have reason to be angry and unhappy with the alcoholic who drove drunk and killed my family. At some point though you have to let it go or it will consume you.

Finally. You have children. Your brother has a disease. Model for your children how you want them to treat other people with a disease.

Sorry if this all sounds too harsh. I know you are feeling hurt. I really hope you try to help your brother. The world could do with one less actively drinking alcoholic in it.

Sorry, but no. OP's brother *just* entered rehab/recovery. Relapse is part of that. The onus is on the brother to demonstrate he is making amends, not on OP to actively help him. Sure, he can't go back and fix what he has done, but he should have to reckon with it for a while and truly understand the hurt he's caused. He doesn't get a free pass because he's saying sorry early on in the recovery process. Addicts and alcoholics are master manipulators, sorry, but that's just a sad fact of addiction. You can show compassion without letting him back in to hurt you again. And yes, I learned that in Al-Anon.

OP, you can forgive your brother without having him be a part of your lives. Your anger here is justified. Of course, it is healthy and important to get past that, but don't let anyone rush you into doing or feeling anything you and your family aren't ready to do.