Estranged Sibling entered rehab for alcoholism and wants to talk
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Anonymous
OP, it sounds like one of the issues here is that you are expecting his apology to be kind of perfunctory. He "just" went into rehab and he's planning to come ninth-step you already. In my experience, you are right to have the sense that a legit amends (while it should come as soon as possible) requires more introspection than someone who was "just" in rehab and is now "making the rounds" is giving it. You don't have control over that but if it is part of your resistance, I want to say that I hear it and respect it. |
Anonymous
Insufferable. Op can should do what feels right (and not emotionally disruptive) to her. Al-anon is fine for people who find it helpful (as are ammend making convos with people in recovery) but they are not for everyone. The addict is responsible for their behavior and recovery. Op is not an addict and should do as she pleases. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you need to do what feels right to you. I’d encourage you to get some support around these issues, in whatever form is best for you. I’ve found therapy most helpful, personally, but YMMV. My only sibling has struggled with alcohol addiction for close to two decades now, and it’s been a roller coaster. I can’t count the number of times she’s apologized to me. I still love her and support her, but have little contact with her. She—and our parents—have consistently prioritized her fragile sense of self over literally everything else, including her children (my nieces) and my kids. That’s where I draw the line.
You get to decide what’s best for you. You can know that alcohol addiction is a disease, care for your sibling AND still choose to hold firm boundaries. Making this decision into a binary one is fairly typical for families with this dynamic, but it’s not the only way to be. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Having trouble with reading comprehension? There's no time limit; his brother can apologize whenever he wants, but OP is under no obligation to respond. It's OP's timeline, not his brother's. And it's not my story. It's a fact. Addicts are abusers and manipulators. They're also used to numbing out and seeking instant gratification to feel better. He's finally coming to terms with the harm he's caused, and that doesn't feel good, so he's seeking a quick respite for that. OP doesn't have to provide it if he's not ready to. You're the one giving bad advice, as others have pointed out in this thread. |
Anonymous
| If this guy is trying to make amends before he even finishes rehab he is way off beam. Tell him to come back after he has a year clean and sober and a working relationship with an experienced sponsor. |
Anonymous
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OP, my sister went to rehab for alcohol and pot last year and did the 12 step AA program. You should definitely establish boundaries. Please consider going to an Al-Anon meeting, listen to a podcast, find a support group. It did wonders for me. I had to become detached from her crazy, just nonreactive because I had gotten too sucked in too many times.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
I’m in a similar situation and I co-sign all of this. Anger only hurts the person who carries it. However, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Even if you let him express his regret and, possibly, let go of your anger, you don’t have to resume your relationship or let him be in a position to hurt you again. He probably would occupy less mental space than he is right now. I have forgiven the drunk that killed my family members. He destroyed his own life, as well. Carrying anger would simply poison my life. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t need to serve out his full term in jail. |
Anonymous
OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. A couple of thoughts: 1) I would strongly encourage you to write a letter to your brother (even if you never send it) detailing as many hurtful things that he has done as you can remember. The act of writing it all down may help you to purge some of this anger. 2) The rest of your family are not supporting you. They say that they want you all to "be a family" but it sounds to me like that is exactly what you and your wife have chosen. You have chosen to be family WITH HER and to be loyal to her and to your children and to yourself. If your parents cannot understand that, I'd say that the distance you're putting between yourself and relatives should grow rather than shrink. 3) Some other posters think that your responses indicate that you're holding onto things longer than you need to. I disagree. It sounds to me like this is a pattern of behavior that stretches for years and that there hasn't been any recourse for. Sometimes we set upsetting things aside because there is nothing to be done about them. Then when suddenly there is recourse available, it all comes flooding back. You are not wrong to feel the way you feel, when you are feeling it. Those feelings have been pent up for years, and it now sounds like he wants to be forgiven without being accountable for what he's done. Maybe that's how your parents operate, but you do not have to operate that way. 4) At this stage in his recovery, I'd personally respond that you're glad he's taking care of himself and wish him nothing but the best in his recovery, but that the behaviors that damaged your relationship will take a much longer conversation about what both of you want that relationship to be going forward. He will need to recognize exactly what he's apologizing for, and he will have to be able to hear the ways that it was hurtful - to you, to your wife, to your kids, whatever. This is not the time for that sort of conversation. The reason that amends comes later in the recovery process is that many people new to recovery are in no way ready to actually make amends - they can do half apologies like your brother, or ignore the past and turn over a new leaf to focus on the future, like your parents, but true real accountability is painful and a trigger for many newly sober folx. |
Anonymous
I completely agree with you and I am the first poster. I didn't talk about forgiving and forgetting but people made some pretty big assumptions. The distinction that you and I have made is that we see that our anger hurts us more than it hurts the other person. One final thought. About 3 months after my family died I was talking to my uncle who was counseling me through my grief. A couple had just walked out of his office and they looked devastated. Completely crushed and so woeful. After they had gone I asked what their story was. He told me that they had lost a child to a drunk driver over 20 years ago. I was surprised it had happened so long ago because they looked so freshly devastated. At his suggestion we then walked down to a local diner to get some coffee. One of the waitresses served us and she was so warm and friendly, very full of life. After we left the diner my uncle told me that she also had lost a child to a drunk driver 10-15 years prior. As we walked back to my car he told me that I had to make a choice. I could be the first couple or I could be like the waitress. What had happened was soul crushing but I had to decide whether I was going to cave to the pressure or whether I was going to survive. I thought about what he said a lot then and I still think about it a lot now. I have made the choice to survive. I figure that if I am going to be here then I am going to live the best life I can. It doesn't mean I've forgotten what that man did to my family but it does mean that I am not going to let it destroy me either. I've forgiven but I haven't forgotten. My advice to OP is to decide to let go of his grudge against his brother. It isn't hurting his brother even one little bit. If anything it feeds the brother's sense of injustice and it certainly feeds the family members sense of OP being whatever negative thing it is that they think of OP. Those of you here who are enabling OP need to consider why you're being so vitriolic towards me and the one or two other people who are encouraging OP to look at his situation through a different lens. I think it would be tremendously helpful if OP begins to attend meetings and also to work with a therapist. It will help OP and it will also help his kids, who can't help but be affected negatively by OP's anger. |
Anonymous
So what? Why does the brother's sudden desire to apologize trump everything else? I'm a PP whose brother penned a sorry excuse for an apology. I don't care that he did that because I had a choice about whether I chose to read it or respond (did the first, not the second). But if he suddenly demanded a conversation with me, so he could apologize, I would probably say no. Because the apology isn't suppose to be about the giver, it's about the receiver. And I am not filled with anger that needs healing. I am just a pragmatic person who has discovered that my life is better without him in it. If the brother has something he desperately needs to get off his chest, he can write it down. Then it is out of his control. If that leaves him with bad feelings, he can go to therapy. |
Anonymous
You are flat out lying to yourself if you think that you aren't filled with anger that needs healing. Your post practically pulses with anger. |
Anonymous
You've probably heard the phrase "walk before you run". Yes, it's important to be able to let go of the anger and resentment. It truly will eat you up inside. But people need to do that in their own time. That can be the end goal, but OP still has a lot to process, and advising him to let go of his feelings before he's ready to isn't going to help him in the long run. In fact, those resentments tend to bubble up when you least expect them if you haven't had adequate processing time. Work with a therapist and attend meetings -- absolutely. And of course he should choose not to end up like the couple who's still despondent 20 years later. But he's allowed his time to process this, and he doesn't need to accept the apology yet if he's not ready. |
Anonymous
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It’s ok to be angry at an addict (or indifferent, or just to feel like preserving one’s own equilibrium by minimizing contact.) in fact, in many cases it is wise (just like it’s often wise to avoid drama with a borderline person, even though that’s also an illness.)
It’s extremely ok to not want to hear an apology from someone who is about two weeks sober. People keep family members at arms length for all kinds of things (like copying their baby name, ffs.) |
Anonymous
| Keep in mind that it's highly likely one of your kids will struggle with alcoholism before you get on your high horse. |
Anonymous
| Also, DCUM isn't the best place for advice about families, most of the posters are the toxic family members and don't realize it. I do agree that an Al anon meeting or other support group/therapist specializing in these matters will be helpful to you. |