Estranged Sibling entered rehab for alcoholism and wants to talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that it's highly likely one of your kids will struggle with alcoholism before you get on your high horse.

No one is saying the op’s sibling shouldn’t be allowed to get healthy, have a nice life but op is entitled to set boundaries around the degree of involvmemt op wants with the sibling. Obviously.

And alcoholism is heritable to a large extent but not to a degree that having a non first degree relative with it makes it “highly likely” op’s child will have it. In fact, I suspect you are either a troll or an addict who is angry that their family is “holding onto anger.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all if this advice. Right now I just can't stop thinking about all the hurtful things my brother has done. The most recent incident involved texting me and my wife old photos of me and my ex from over 20 yrs ago, Then insinuating they were recent photos. Earlier gatherings usually have involved him bringing up something from my past to my wife or trying to get other people in the room to admit that they hate my wife and talk about her behind her back. Other situations among may others have involved insults about my kids being rich assholes. I just don't understand where these came from and the behavior is always unprovoked. I have never received an apology for any of them. When I state to other family why I have chosen to distance myself, the only response I get is that my bro is jealous because he's in a loveless marriage. That's not an excuse. I'm mad there's no accountability in my family and that my parents keep enabling it.

I’m in long term recovery and also work in recovery outreach mostly helping families get their loved ones to highly regarded rehabs. Did your brother reach out to you from his rehab therapist’s office? Perhaps a conversation facilitated by the therapist could be a first step only if you’re ready. Many also offer family programs to help work through these painful situations. Boundaries are definitely good. Al-Anon could also be helpful to you. Most meet over Zoom right now.
If he’s launching into 9th step amends newly sober, I’d probably be pretty skeptical, too. However, maybe acknowledging that you’re glad he’s getting help would delay the conversation for a bit until you’re ready. Also, early recovery is very hard with a very high risk of relapse. I hope he commits to a solid aftercare program, so he has a chance at a new life in recovery and healing within the family. Good luck. I know how hard this is from both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to attend a few Al-Anon meetings to get yourself into a better place to understand your anger and resentment, and if you're going to be able to accept that and move past it in an effort to help your brother. No one else can do that for you. If you don't want to go to Al-Anon then consider some individual therapy.

Keep in mind that it is okay and even reasonable to be angry with his past behavior. Your brother harmed you and your family.

My question for you is: how long are you going to carry the burden of your anger and resentment? Your brother can't go back and fix what he has done. All he can do is express true regret and try to make amends. And your brother can't control your feelings about what happened - only you can. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious but how long are you going to carry the grudge?

I get it. I have reason to be angry and unhappy with the alcoholic who drove drunk and killed my family. At some point though you have to let it go or it will consume you.

Finally. You have children. Your brother has a disease. Model for your children how you want them to treat other people with a disease.

Sorry if this all sounds too harsh. I know you are feeling hurt. I really hope you try to help your brother. The world could do with one less actively drinking alcoholic in it.

I’m in a similar situation and I co-sign all of this. Anger only hurts the person who carries it. However, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Even if you let him express his regret and, possibly, let go of your anger, you don’t have to resume your relationship or let him be in a position to hurt you again. He probably would occupy less mental space than he is right now.

I have forgiven the drunk that killed my family members. He destroyed his own life, as well. Carrying anger would simply poison my life. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t need to serve out his full term in jail.

I completely agree with you and I am the first poster. I didn't talk about forgiving and forgetting but people made some pretty big assumptions. The distinction that you and I have made is that we see that our anger hurts us more than it hurts the other person.

One final thought. About 3 months after my family died I was talking to my uncle who was counseling me through my grief. A couple had just walked out of his office and they looked devastated. Completely crushed and so woeful. After they had gone I asked what their story was. He told me that they had lost a child to a drunk driver over 20 years ago. I was surprised it had happened so long ago because they looked so freshly devastated. At his suggestion we then walked down to a local diner to get some coffee. One of the waitresses served us and she was so warm and friendly, very full of life. After we left the diner my uncle told me that she also had lost a child to a drunk driver 10-15 years prior.

As we walked back to my car he told me that I had to make a choice. I could be the first couple or I could be like the waitress. What had happened was soul crushing but I had to decide whether I was going to cave to the pressure or whether I was going to survive.

I thought about what he said a lot then and I still think about it a lot now. I have made the choice to survive. I figure that if I am going to be here then I am going to live the best life I can. It doesn't mean I've forgotten what that man did to my family but it does mean that I am not going to let it destroy me either. I've forgiven but I haven't forgotten.

My advice to OP is to decide to let go of his grudge against his brother. It isn't hurting his brother even one little bit. If anything it feeds the brother's sense of injustice and it certainly feeds the family members sense of OP being whatever negative thing it is that they think of OP.

Those of you here who are enabling OP need to consider why you're being so vitriolic towards me and the one or two other people who are encouraging OP to look at his situation through a different lens. I think it would be tremendously helpful if OP begins to attend meetings and also to work with a therapist. It will help OP and it will also help his kids, who can't help but be affected negatively by OP's anger.

I am the other pp that lost family to a drunk driver, and my story is so very similar to yours. I made a conscious decision that my children would not be raised in a home filled with anger. Until I went through this, I didn’t understand that one could feel grief and joy at the same time. But grief is different from anger; unlike grief, anger crowds out all positive emotions. That doesn’t mean OP needs to have a relationship with their brother — letting go of the anger could mean they feel nothing at all for for him. But wouldn’t that be an improvement? There’s a reason that they say that not caring is the best revenge.

Vitriol is the right descriptor for some of these responses. The number of people on this board who want to encourage OP to nurse their anger explains a lot about some of the discourse on this board.