texting DH

[Anonymous]

The mother of one of DD's friends has decided to befriend DH over this past year. She is a sahm and seems to be in a pretty unsatisfying marriage and is very open about that.

I am the primary parent under normal circumstances but due scheduling for a shared extracurricular w/this woman's child, DH is the main contact. She texts DH every day. She texts about everything and anything...the weather, the election, the kids, her dinner... It feels nonstop. And he replies every time. Even when in conversation with me or with DD. He doesn't hide this. I've expressed concern that the texting with her is changing his behaviors around us; normally, for him, texting while actively engaged with others -- especially family -- is off limits. It is annoying and rude behavior.

DH has friends of the opposite sex. I do, too. His best female friend is even DD's godmother.

But this woman is new in our lives. And something about her really, really rubs me the wrong way and lately is setting off alarms. She doesn't talk to me or make eye contact. She's not my "type", by any means -- an attention-seeker, loud. My friends are chill, laid back, non-domineering.

I've talked to DH about this and how I am starting to feel, but he gets defensive. Says she's his only "mom friend" of DD's group. Kinda true, but ... I am expressing my discomfort with the constant texting, the way she doesn't look at or talk to me, and so on. He just blows it off and talks about all the friends I have. He, in reality, has many more friends than me. I have -- and prefer to have -- a small handful of close friends and a small group of "mom friends". He has several close friends plus a large network of acquaintances he talks to often.

(A bit of background -- this is my second marriage; first time around I married very young, first husband had 2 affairs, and I ended it.)

In almost 15 years of this marriage, I've never felt insecure, lonely, or jealous. It feels bad and it feels ugly. And I am starting to feel hopeless, bitter, and out of my league here.

So...there we are. Thoughts on this?

[Anonymous]

I don't mind my DH having female friends but that frequency of contact is crossing a line. And him blowing off your concerns is not okay either. I, too, would be particularly miffed that texting her appears to be distracting him from you/your family (key point), and I'd be even more annoyed by his defensiveness about it (red flag). He needs to cool it on replying to her and only reply if it's directly related to the kids' shared activity.

You actually have two problems, 1.) he doesn't see this as a problem (I'm giving benefit of the doubt assuming he's just dense vs. he's gaslighting you), and 2.) that his behavior is what's encouraging her to constantly text him. I'm sorry her marriage is unsatisfying but she's trying to use your husband as replacement emotional support and that's not something I'd be comfortable with in my marriage. Marriage counseling might be an option for you two if he can't understand why this is a problem.


If I were in your shoes, I'd prefer/need my husband to understand the root problem and address it himself, but failing that (and I know DCUM will disagree) I'd honestly call her out on it in a friendly way so she knows you know. "Hey Susan, I've noticed you texting DH at all hours of the day and night-- what's up with that?" If she doesn't back off after that, then you have a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

You have to be on the text chain. Period.

We often have both parents on text chains- even when one is more the point of contact; when opposite sex is involved.

Just ignore what I don’t need to know.

Have your husband ass I to the text chat. If she texts only to him; his response has u copied on it too.

This woman is shady AF, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be on the text chain. Period.

We often have both parents on text chains- even when one is more the point of contact; when opposite sex is involved.

Just ignore what I don’t need to know.

Have your husband ass I to the text chat. If she texts only to him; his response has u copied on it too.

This woman is shady AF, btw.

Add you to the text chain (not ass you )

[Anonymous]

Your husband (or alternately you) will have to say something to her.

It's f-ing weird what she's doing, and if your husband wasn't a freak of nature himself (or wanting to bone her), he would have slow faded to non-topical texts right away. Not it's too late for him to do what anyone normal would have done right away and it will have to be a confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (or alternately you) will have to say something to her.

It's f-ing weird what she's doing, and if your husband wasn't a freak of nature himself (or wanting to bone her), he would have slow faded to non-topical texts right away. Not it's too late for him to do what anyone normal would have done right away and it will have to be a confrontation.

Meant to say slow-faded THE non-topical texts. Kept conversation to soccer practice pickup (or whatever) only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (or alternately you) will have to say something to her.

It's f-ing weird what she's doing, and if your husband wasn't a freak of nature himself (or wanting to bone her), he would have slow faded to non-topical texts right away. Not it's too late for him to do what anyone normal would have done right away and it will have to be a confrontation.

Meant to say slow-faded THE non-topical texts. Kept conversation to soccer practice pickup (or whatever) only.

Husband and horny housewife are building up to cheating. He’ll swear it’s all innocent and you are crazy.

This woman is a predator and your husband is enjoying it way too much.

Covid boredom makes it even more high stakes.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't understand your concerns he may just like the attention and is playing nice with her. If he won't stop it tell him you will tell her to stop it.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my ex. He got messages from an acquaintance that got more and more frequent. They met up for lunch without me knowing and she propositioned him. She was also married. They had a long term affair and we divorced.

[Anonymous]

You need to put a stop to this and FAST.

Your gut instincts about this b*tch are 100% correct. There are women that prey on married men like this. And, the men are flattered and willing to take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to put a stop to this and FAST.

Your gut instincts about this b*tch are 100% correct. There are women that prey on married men like this. And, the men are flattered and willing to take the bait.

The fact she's a SAHM and openly states she is in an unhappy marriage...I mean, come on! Yes- this woman is looking for a new man. And she wants yours, OP.

Your husband needs to CEASE communicating with her. For the shared extracurricular with daughter---YOU become the point of contact again---or at the very least every text chain about includes you. Under no circumstances is your husband to chat/text or meet up with this woman without you.

She's evil. I had one neighborhood mom "friend" after always flirting outrageously with him---openly grab my DH's balls at a party and look at me while she did it. My spouse jumped about 3 feet in the air. We left. 100% relationship/contact was over after that.

There are some real whores out there that don't care if somebody is married and has children.

[Anonymous]

You're an idiot if you let this go on. You become the point or f contact. Or pull kid out of the activity

Better for your kid to lose an Ec than have divorced parents

[Anonymous]

I am not OP, but have a somewhat related problem. We have an EC activity that DH is coaching. A mom of one of the kids in that activity texts DH often. It is purely about the activity itself or something directly related to kids other school activities. It is always about the kids but it seems like suddenly she has become his friend. I just find it really annoying but not sure if I am over reacting.

She even calls DH sometimes to discuss these activities. DH is fairly curt in his responses but he responds to her texts.

[Anonymous]

She is a fair bit more attractive than me and that is part of my problem I think.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, sorry these responses are probably not what you want to hear, but they're right.

Look I'm a cute single mom. I'm fun, peppy, have my DD in all kinds of activities. I get side-eye from other moms in the beginning all the time and I handle it. I say hi to their husbands but I don't linger there in conversation. If we're texting about school stuff and I have to text the dad, the mom is on the chain. Is it annoying, because I have no designs on most of these shlubby guys? Sure. But I get it. Marriage is a slog, Covid sucks, it's now dark at 5p and you don't need your DH lighting up at the soccer game because some woman (any woman) smiled at them. We want to think we're all adults and strong, but the truth is we're all middle aged and any attention feels flattering. It is what it is.

Don't talk yourself into ignoring this. Your H is into it with the desperate housewife next door for some reason...does he need/want attention? Is he having his own "I'm shlubby" moment? Irritating, I know. You're like great, one more thing on my to-do list, validate this guy's ego. But PPs are correct that this slippery slope becomes vertical at some point. At minimum, sitter for the kids, bottle of wine, and sit-down talk between you two. Something's going on with him and hussy-next-door is a symptom, not a problem. You can do this!