Best way to handle this awkward and toxic situation?
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Anonymous
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She’s narcissistic/ borderline to give some background. My brother passed away suddenly (drug/suicide). She was in a toxic, codependent relationship with him for the last decade and hasn’t been involved at all with my life and doesn’t have any relationship with my children. I paid for all the costs of the funeral and cremation. I never made a thing of it but my mother repeatedly asked me how much I spent because she said she spoke with Veteran Affairs and they will reimburse you to $2k of burial or funeral fees for someone who was on Veteran disability. When I was handling his burial, I spoke to one or two people about this and they said it was not the case. I’m comfortable financially and the money I spent on it didn’t have any strain on my personal finances.
She asked me multiple times to make a list and she would submit it. I said I would handle it myself if she gave me a contact but she refused. I made a small list with the expenses. She started challenging me and saying she didn’t believe a cremation cost that much. I just didn’t respond or answer her calls. She continued to write me over and over and say things like “I believe you, I talked to Rosemary and her husband’s was $3000” etc.. This is typical of her, especially with situations with money. She isn’t secure financially and I’ve told her over and over please don’t even get my kids a gift because the $10 gift she sends on amazon to my kids she hasn’t met will be brought up hundreds of times to everyone who will listen how unappreciative we were. At this point I haven’t responded. I’m torn between ignoring her completely. She recently saw a counselor and apologized for being a verbally abusive mother my whole life. This was a big step because she has never apologized. She’s trying to obviously make amends in the family and since my brother’s death she has started repairing some broken relationships she has with most of the family that she is estranged from due to conflicts over the years. How would you handle the money situation? My instinct is just to tell her I don’t have time to handle it, but I also fear this will turn into a situation where she causes more conflict telling everyone in our family I lied about the costs of his burial. She may feel some guilt that I paid and she didn’t and wants to make it right, but can’t stop herself from shaming me or somehow accusing me of something. What should I do? |
Anonymous
| Ignore |
Anonymous
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OP-
I should say, I’m not entirely sure I believe that I would get reimbursed anything for the fees. She’s challenging me to present the receipts. My concern is if I don’t it’s going to unnecessary drama where she says “I lied about the costs and didn’t want to show the receipts because it would show I’m a liar”... Keep in mind, I paid for everything and never mentioned it again, even the flowers from her at the funeral. |
Anonymous
| Talk it over with your therapist. |
Anonymous
| She's trying to figure out how to get the money for herself and step 1 is getting the details. Disengage completely |
Anonymous
Sadly probably this |
Anonymous
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She wants the money.
What do you care what she says to family members about the cost of the funeral? Seriously—why would you care? |
Anonymous
Yah this crossed my mind too.. she wants me to go through the steps and handle it so she can get the money directly from veterans affairs... I also think there’s just a small chance the fees would be reimbursed. He didn’t die in combat and he was buried in a National Cemetery so the plot and headstone were at no cost due to his service, in addition to the military honors. |
Anonymous
| *To clarify his urn/cremated remains were buried |
Anonymous
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Deep down, what do you want? Do you want a relationship with her? If you don't already have one, get a good counselor who can help you figure out what it is that you really want.
From birth, we are condition to love our caregivers and those who are in regular, close contact with us. Even when those people are toxic/abusive, we strive to earn their love. The thing is though, love shouldn't be earned, it should be given. From your OP, I suspect you're still holding out hope that she'll be different. Yet, despite some superficial things, nothing seems to have changed. She is still trying to get you to do want she wants. My advice, aside from digging deep and figuring out what it is you want - is to end any discussion of the funeral and its costs. Simply tell people that you are done discussing it and disengage. If you need language, let us know. DCUM is really good at scriptwriting! PS - I'm really sorry about your loss. Thank you for stepping up to pay for the burial. BTDT. It's hard. |
Anonymous
| I’d just tell her that you handled the reimbursement with the VA and they paid you the $2k or whatever then thank her for letting you know about it. Her reaction will be telling; if she gets upset you handled it yourself, you’ll know it was just about the money. |
Anonymous
I usually don't suggest or promote lying, but this is an interesting take. If you told her you put the expenses on a credit card, and you paid off some (not all) of the expenses with the reimbursement money, then there is no "money" per se for her to take. It's not like it is sitting in the bank accounts -- it was used to wipe out some debt, and you have still more debt untouched. I just wonder what she would say. |
Anonymous
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I went back and read the texts which said “don’t contact them directly. I’ll handle it. I waited a month and did all the talking. I’m looking into his life insurance policy”
So I said. “Thanks, I’ll contact the VA directly.” PP- I’m not holding out hope for a relationship. That ship has sailed a lot time ago. She was horribly abusive. I maintain a very distant relationship just for her sake at this point. |
Anonymous
OP, feeding her more details or responding to her drama, will only lead to more drama. Just say this subject is closed and do not engage in these discussions. You know what you did and you do not owe anyone an explanation - even your mother. You seem overly concerned about her reactions - look for other ways to improve your self esteem - it wil not come from your mother no matter how much you justify your actions to her. |
Anonymous
| "It is all settle and taking care of. Nothing more to discuss." |