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[quote=Anonymous] She’s narcissistic/ borderline to give some background. My brother passed away suddenly (drug/suicide). She was in a toxic, codependent relationship with him for the last decade and hasn’t been involved at all with my life and doesn’t have any relationship with my children. I paid for all the costs of the funeral and cremation. I never made a thing of it but my mother repeatedly asked me how much I spent because she said she spoke with Veteran Affairs and they will reimburse you to $2k of burial or funeral fees for someone who was on Veteran disability. When I was handling his burial, I spoke to one or two people about this and they said it was not the case. I’m comfortable financially and the money I spent on it didn’t have any strain on my personal finances.

She asked me multiple times to make a list and she would submit it. I said I would handle it myself if she gave me a contact but she refused. I made a small list with the expenses. She started challenging me and saying she didn’t believe a cremation cost that much. I just didn’t respond or answer her calls. She continued to write me over and over and say things like “I believe you, I talked to Rosemary and her husband’s was $3000” etc.. This is typical of her, especially with situations with money. She isn’t secure financially and I’ve told her over and over please don’t even get my kids a gift because the $10 gift she sends on amazon to my kids she hasn’t met will be brought up hundreds of times to everyone who will listen how unappreciative we were.

At this point I haven’t responded. I’m torn between ignoring her completely. She recently saw a counselor and apologized for being a verbally abusive mother my whole life. This was a big step because she has never apologized. She’s trying to obviously make amends in the family and since my brother’s death she has started repairing some broken relationships she has with most of the family that she is estranged from due to conflicts over the years.

How would you handle the money situation? My instinct is just to tell her I don’t have time to handle it, but I also fear this will turn into a situation where she causes more conflict telling everyone in our family I lied about the costs of his burial. She may feel some guilt that I paid and she didn’t and wants to make it right, but can’t stop herself from shaming me or somehow accusing me of something. What should I do?

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