Best way to handle this awkward and toxic situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d just tell her that you handled the reimbursement with the VA and they paid you the $2k or whatever then thank her for letting you know about it. Her reaction will be telling; if she gets upset you handled it yourself, you’ll know it was just about the money.

Don’t lie. She clearly is just trying to get the money for herself. Disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It is all settle and taking care of. Nothing more to discuss."

+1 and I would add "if you keep bringing it up, I'll need to get off the phone." And so what if she lies to relatives. Very unlikely they would believe her and even if they did, so what. The only people who would believe you are working some scam are scammers themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deep down, what do you want? Do you want a relationship with her? If you don't already have one, get a good counselor who can help you figure out what it is that you really want.

From birth, we are condition to love our caregivers and those who are in regular, close contact with us. Even when those people are toxic/abusive, we strive to earn their love. The thing is though, love shouldn't be earned, it should be given. From your OP, I suspect you're still holding out hope that she'll be different. Yet, despite some superficial things, nothing seems to have changed. She is still trying to get you to do want she wants.

My advice, aside from digging deep and figuring out what it is you want - is to end any discussion of the funeral and its costs. Simply tell people that you are done discussing it and disengage. If you need language, let us know. DCUM is really good at scriptwriting!

PS - I'm really sorry about your loss. Thank you for stepping up to pay for the burial. BTDT. It's hard.

+1

OP, any person reading this that isn't as enmeshed in this situation as you are can clearly see the answer. You paid, you don't want money back, and you've heard from other reliable sources you couldn't be reimbursed anyway. This does not involve your mother in any way. The situation is over. Tell her you won't be discussing this anymore, and don't. Don't discuss it with your mother or any other family members she discusses it with. Just say "I"m not discussing this any further," over and over.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. If you’re trying to get the costs you incurred reimbursed, then the likely requirement is that you need to submit copies of your bills to the VA for reimbursement. They aren’t going to accept a list of unverified expenses from some random person (his girlfriend?). Sounds like she’s trying to run some sort of scam. If you’re interested in reimbursement, then you need to contact the VA yourself, you can google contact info to get started. Then you can tell her that you contacted them yourself, and that you’ll handle it yourself from here. It’s not her place to be involved with the reimbursement of costs that aren’t of concern to her.

[Anonymous]

She absolutely wants the money for herself. She doesn't care about you. I'd cut off contact.

Kudos to you for being so responsible and well adjusted despite having her as a mother.

[Anonymous]

Here’s info on VA funeral benefits:

https://www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/claims-special-burial.asp

[Anonymous]

Tell her your tax attorney is looking into it and handles all the logistics for you. She may back down if it sounds like you have "someone important" taking care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s info on VA funeral benefits:

https://www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/claims-special-burial.asp

According the info in the link and the circumstances OP describes, it looks like the max benefit would be only $300 with a lot of documentation required.

[Anonymous]

Sick, that the mom is trying to get some money out of her son's death. Gross. This makes me so angry.

OP, I am sorry for your loss, and so sorry you had this mother. Wishing you peace. Personally I would cut her off. My mom has the same cluster of disorders and I already did. Who cares what she says to other family members? I have stopped caring. I have my own family -- as do you. Don't let this b-tch steal your energy.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you spoke with someone and submitted the receipts already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her your tax attorney is looking into it and handles all the logistics for you. She may back down if it sounds like you have "someone important" taking care of it.

I like this the best. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Send her $300 in pennies (I guess that would have been easier a year ago).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's trying to figure out how to get the money for herself and step 1 is getting the details. Disengage completely

Sadly probably this

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She absolutely wants the money for herself. She doesn't care about you. I'd cut off contact.

Kudos to you for being so responsible and well adjusted despite having her as a mother.

Exactly.
As a precaution, I'd also contact the funeral home to ensure that they don't provide her with a copy of YOUR receipt.

She could very well spin it like "my daughter is so busy OR she's so devastated by her brother's death, so she asked me to take care of this for her".

Sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if I have any advice for you, but I just wanted to offer virtual hugs. I also had a brother who died suddenly a few years ago the same way and an abusive mother. I cut her out of my life when I can't take it and I don't care what she tells people because she's always been a liar and there's nothing I can do about it. Block her calls and emails and find some peace. Hugs.