Unsure about having children

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been together for 3 years ( married for 1) and have been deciding on having children. My husband doesn’t have a strong desire either way. He’s happy with children if I want them, but he will be equally as happy if I don’t want them. I’m not sure if I do. I think of having a baby and a younger child, but I’m not sure if that is normal. I can’t see myself raising a school aged child or teenager. I don’t know if this is because baby and toddler ages are what come first, or if it’s because those are the only ages I can envision myself being a parent. I have a large family and did babysitting when I was younger. I’ve been around kids most of my life. I see our friends who have or are having kids and think to myself “ I want this”, but the I see a kid acting up and I think “ I don’t want this.”

We are financially secure and able to afford childcare, but I do not want children unless we are going to be active parents in their lives. I grew up in a big family and I want two kids if I do have them. I want to give my child a sibling. I know we don’t have much time to think it over with our ages. I’m wondering if my apprehension is telling me I shouldn’t have children. How did you decide you wanted to become a parent? Were you 100% sure you wanted them?

I wasn’t sure whether to post this in the elations hope forum or the parent forum.

[Anonymous]

There's never a perfect time to have a child. My husband was so anxious I finally told him I was going off bc. He is the most amazing father now, extremely involved and loving.

I'm glad I just went for it.

[Anonymous]

My child just happened. Can’t imagine her not being born. Didn’t especially plan either way.

[Anonymous]

I thought of myself at 60-65, did I see adult children in my life? How would I feel if I didn’t have adult children? What kind of life would I be living?

[Anonymous]

I am a parent of a young child and I still cannot really imagine parenting a school-aged kid/teenager, so I totally understand that and think it is normal not to be able to clearly see so far ahead.

On one hand, I would say, do not have kids unless at least one of you really wants them and the other is fine with it. Two people who are meh about it does not seem like a reason to do it. On the other hand, if you have always thought of yourself as having kids, you can have one and that does not commit you to having two, it really does not.

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Depends. My DH said he didn't care either way. We are divorcing now with a toddler. Wasn't the main reason, but one of them.

[Anonymous]

Either you are 100% committed or don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought of myself at 60-65, did I see adult children in my life? How would I feel if I didn’t have adult children? What kind of life would I be living?

This is the best approach. Children are only in young a tiny percent of an overall lifespan. Imagine yourself old with your husband. Would you be sad to be childless or happy? There‘s your answer.

[Anonymous]

It's so much work and sacrifice, esp in the beginning. If you don't feel any inclination, then shouldn't have kids. It's a huge choice to be unsure.

I know women who are barely involved with their children, they prob felt society pressure to have them. Thankfully, that's not the case anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is what I wrote when someone else asked the same question.


No one has a kid because they like snot, poop and lack of sleep. And the daily grind that parents complain about would make any non-parent questions whether or not to have a kid. Yet, so many people do it and love being parents.

So how do you decide?
For me, the daily grind filled with snot, drool and poop did not seem appealing. And I like my sleep. I mean, I really, really like my sleep. But I imagined my life at 65. What did it look like? Did I have a remodeled kitchen and a wall filled with travel pictures? Did I run for spot on the local school board? Or did I see pictures of kid events, shelves filled with trophies (even the silly ole participation ones) and old sharpie marks on the walls that I’d never gotten around to painting over?

For me, my future-self wanted a messier life with a grown child, than a life without one. Could my husband and I been happy if we couldn’t have a child? Yes, I think we would still have had a full life. But given a choice, I’d take the life with a kid in it.

But if you look at your life at 65, will you regret not traveling to exotic locations? (Not impossible with a child, but much harder and more expensive.) Or unhappy that wouldn’t have been able to go further in your career. Or maybe you’d be resentful that you had to give up a favorite hobby.

This is about if you can devote your life to something bigger than yourself. You are looking at how do I give back to my community? This is why some people who don’t have children, get very involved with a cause. You can do this and also have kids. But for many, kids give you a sense of higher purpose and they don’t feel the need (or have the time) to be involved with a cause like animal shelters or local politics. The question you have to answer is: what is the best way for me to fulfill the need to be a part of something bigger? Through children or will being active in my community/causes be enough?

If at this point you haven’t completely ruled out kids, then you have to decide if you, your partner and relationship can handle the daily grind. Do you share the load evenly? Do you work as a team? Does your job/career allow you some flexibility to handle the unpredictability of kids? Or can at least one of you pick of the slack? And is that person okay that their career will be on the back burner for a few years? Can you juggle the craziness that comes with kids? (If you or your partner need to have control or order, kids may not be the best idea.) Can your marriage handle it if sex goes on the back burner for a little while?

As you are contemplating this, explore what your unconscious beliefs about what motherhood (or fatherhood) looks like? Do you unconsciously believe that you have to cook only the healthiest organic foods every meal, never look at a screen again and give up your every desire to raise a child? Maybe it’s not Motherhood you aren’t sure about. Maybe it’s the stereotype of MOTHERHOOD that you think you must live up to. Children survive just fine on frozen chicken meatballs and even an occasional McDonald’s French fry. Screens, in moderation, are fine. Friend of mine decided day 1, no boob for baby. The idea of breast feeding was just not for her. Her kid is still awesome and she is still a great mother. It's possible to have a life, keep your identity and be a parent. So separate out what you think you *have* to do vs what kind of mother/father you realistically will be.

And before ruling out kids forever, you should know—the feeling you get from them is the most amazing feeling ever! I don’t think parents talk about it enough. And I’m not sure if every parent feels it, but for me it’s like that first-time falling-in-love feeling you got at 16 times 1,000. The world would be a better place if everyone had to listen to baby giggles every day! And when your child smiles the biggest smile or runs up to you when they see you, OMG, it’s the best feeling ever. Those feelings, make up for all the snot, drool, poop and lack of sleep.

After all that, if you (or anyone) decides not to have kids, that totally okay. The world need both parents and non-parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought of myself at 60-65, did I see adult children in my life? How would I feel if I didn’t have adult children? What kind of life would I be living?

This is the best approach. Children are only in young a tiny percent of an overall lifespan. Imagine yourself old with your husband. Would you be sad to be childless or happy? There‘s your answer.

I don’t think people should bring children into this world so that they will be happy in their old age. You should have a kid only if you want to have a kid. Do you want to spend your life doing the day in and day out rearing? It’s eighteen years at least.

[Anonymous]

If you are not sure, I would not do it. I did not decide. It was an accident. I love them, but I would have been happier most likely remaining childless. I did not want to go through life stages that kids go through...meaning I did not see the need to have adult children. I would have been perfectly fine without them. It is a lot of sacrifice and work. If you are an anxious person, it's harder. If you are the default parent, it is harder. If you love your career and can't advance, it is harder. If you do not have a family support system, it is harder. It is also very expensive. I think you have to think about what you want 20-30 years from now. I actually loved the baby stage the best. I still would have likely been happier without kids though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so much work and sacrifice, esp in the beginning. If you don't feel any inclination, then shouldn't have kids. It's a huge choice to be unsure.

I know women who are barely involved with their children, they prob felt society pressure to have them. Thankfully, that's not the case anymore.

There is still huge social pressure to have kids. I am not sure what you mean that it is not the case anymore. It is still very apparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I wrote when someone else asked the same question.


No one has a kid because they like snot, poop and lack of sleep. And the daily grind that parents complain about would make any non-parent questions whether or not to have a kid. Yet, so many people do it and love being parents.

So how do you decide?
For me, the daily grind filled with snot, drool and poop did not seem appealing. And I like my sleep. I mean, I really, really like my sleep. But I imagined my life at 65. What did it look like? Did I have a remodeled kitchen and a wall filled with travel pictures? Did I run for spot on the local school board? Or did I see pictures of kid events, shelves filled with trophies (even the silly ole participation ones) and old sharpie marks on the walls that I’d never gotten around to painting over?

For me, my future-self wanted a messier life with a grown child, than a life without one. Could my husband and I been happy if we couldn’t have a child? Yes, I think we would still have had a full life. But given a choice, I’d take the life with a kid in it.

But if you look at your life at 65, will you regret not traveling to exotic locations? (Not impossible with a child, but much harder and more expensive.) Or unhappy that wouldn’t have been able to go further in your career. Or maybe you’d be resentful that you had to give up a favorite hobby.

This is about if you can devote your life to something bigger than yourself. You are looking at how do I give back to my community? This is why some people who don’t have children, get very involved with a cause. You can do this and also have kids. But for many, kids give you a sense of higher purpose and they don’t feel the need (or have the time) to be involved with a cause like animal shelters or local politics. The question you have to answer is: what is the best way for me to fulfill the need to be a part of something bigger? Through children or will being active in my community/causes be enough?

If at this point you haven’t completely ruled out kids, then you have to decide if you, your partner and relationship can handle the daily grind. Do you share the load evenly? Do you work as a team? Does your job/career allow you some flexibility to handle the unpredictability of kids? Or can at least one of you pick of the slack? And is that person okay that their career will be on the back burner for a few years? Can you juggle the craziness that comes with kids? (If you or your partner need to have control or order, kids may not be the best idea.) Can your marriage handle it if sex goes on the back burner for a little while?

As you are contemplating this, explore what your unconscious beliefs about what motherhood (or fatherhood) looks like? Do you unconsciously believe that you have to cook only the healthiest organic foods every meal, never look at a screen again and give up your every desire to raise a child? Maybe it’s not Motherhood you aren’t sure about. Maybe it’s the stereotype of MOTHERHOOD that you think you must live up to. Children survive just fine on frozen chicken meatballs and even an occasional McDonald’s French fry. Screens, in moderation, are fine. Friend of mine decided day 1, no boob for baby. The idea of breast feeding was just not for her. Her kid is still awesome and she is still a great mother. It's possible to have a life, keep your identity and be a parent. So separate out what you think you *have* to do vs what kind of mother/father you realistically will be.

And before ruling out kids forever, you should know—the feeling you get from them is the most amazing feeling ever! I don’t think parents talk about it enough. And I’m not sure if every parent feels it, but for me it’s like that first-time falling-in-love feeling you got at 16 times 1,000. The world would be a better place if everyone had to listen to baby giggles every day! And when your child smiles the biggest smile or runs up to you when they see you, OMG, it’s the best feeling ever. Those feelings, make up for all the snot, drool, poop and lack of sleep.

After all that, if you (or anyone) decides not to have kids, that totally okay. The world need both parents and non-parents.

This. My baby is only 10 weeks but I feel that it has already enhanced my life in many ways but has also made it much harder. We had been married for 7 years before having a baby and we felt that things were getting boring. Like going to fireworks wasn’t fun anymore because we had seen them so many times or going out to a restaurant wasn’t exciting anymore because we could do it all the time. With a baby everything is fun and new, even watching her discover her hands for the first time is amazing. Seeing the world though a baby’s eyes and now seeing everything through a parent’s lens makes me feel more human if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Also as mom pregnant with her 4th. You don't need to kill yourself. If I could go back, I'd have given birth with epidural every time. Bottle fed with formula. Sleep trained at 6 months. Sent to day care. No one cares about these things by the time they're teenagers and they make child rearing SO much easier.