Unsure about having children

[Anonymous]

We didn’t have a burning desire to have kids when we did, but we also knew we didn’t want to grow old without having a family. No regrets.
If you have deep doubts freeze your eggs/embryos while you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I wrote when someone else asked the same question.


No one has a kid because they like snot, poop and lack of sleep. And the daily grind that parents complain about would make any non-parent questions whether or not to have a kid. Yet, so many people do it and love being parents.

So how do you decide?
For me, the daily grind filled with snot, drool and poop did not seem appealing. And I like my sleep. I mean, I really, really like my sleep. But I imagined my life at 65. What did it look like? Did I have a remodeled kitchen and a wall filled with travel pictures? Did I run for spot on the local school board? Or did I see pictures of kid events, shelves filled with trophies (even the silly ole participation ones) and old sharpie marks on the walls that I’d never gotten around to painting over?

For me, my future-self wanted a messier life with a grown child, than a life without one. Could my husband and I been happy if we couldn’t have a child? Yes, I think we would still have had a full life. But given a choice, I’d take the life with a kid in it.

But if you look at your life at 65, will you regret not traveling to exotic locations? (Not impossible with a child, but much harder and more expensive.) Or unhappy that wouldn’t have been able to go further in your career. Or maybe you’d be resentful that you had to give up a favorite hobby.

This is about if you can devote your life to something bigger than yourself. You are looking at how do I give back to my community? This is why some people who don’t have children, get very involved with a cause. You can do this and also have kids. But for many, kids give you a sense of higher purpose and they don’t feel the need (or have the time) to be involved with a cause like animal shelters or local politics. The question you have to answer is: what is the best way for me to fulfill the need to be a part of something bigger? Through children or will being active in my community/causes be enough?

If at this point you haven’t completely ruled out kids, then you have to decide if you, your partner and relationship can handle the daily grind. Do you share the load evenly? Do you work as a team? Does your job/career allow you some flexibility to handle the unpredictability of kids? Or can at least one of you pick of the slack? And is that person okay that their career will be on the back burner for a few years? Can you juggle the craziness that comes with kids? (If you or your partner need to have control or order, kids may not be the best idea.) Can your marriage handle it if sex goes on the back burner for a little while?

As you are contemplating this, explore what your unconscious beliefs about what motherhood (or fatherhood) looks like? Do you unconsciously believe that you have to cook only the healthiest organic foods every meal, never look at a screen again and give up your every desire to raise a child? Maybe it’s not Motherhood you aren’t sure about. Maybe it’s the stereotype of MOTHERHOOD that you think you must live up to. Children survive just fine on frozen chicken meatballs and even an occasional McDonald’s French fry. Screens, in moderation, are fine. Friend of mine decided day 1, no boob for baby. The idea of breast feeding was just not for her. Her kid is still awesome and she is still a great mother. It's possible to have a life, keep your identity and be a parent. So separate out what you think you *have* to do vs what kind of mother/father you realistically will be.

And before ruling out kids forever, you should know—the feeling you get from them is the most amazing feeling ever! I don’t think parents talk about it enough. And I’m not sure if every parent feels it, but for me it’s like that first-time falling-in-love feeling you got at 16 times 1,000. The world would be a better place if everyone had to listen to baby giggles every day! And when your child smiles the biggest smile or runs up to you when they see you, OMG, it’s the best feeling ever. Those feelings, make up for all the snot, drool, poop and lack of sleep.

After all that, if you (or anyone) decides not to have kids, that totally okay. The world need both parents and non-parents.

This is way over the top ,and not at all rewuired to etermine if you want kids or not.

[Anonymous]

If you were to get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were to get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, how would you feel?

OP here. Happy but scared. I’m 38. There is worry about having children at ad advanced age.

[Anonymous]

So, since this is an anonymous forum, I can be honest. I didn't really want kids. I wasn't entirely set against it, but I wasn't for it either. We had trouble conceiving, and were getting close to giving up. Then we had twins.

I love them. I really do. But it's hard. And the last few years have been miserable. And the usual thing I hear is that it doesn't really get better so much as it gets different.

My spouse did want kids. But they don't really have the energy or time for them either. It doesn't help that one is special needs, but we're almost certainly bad parents on top of that.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have had kids. You can never say that to anyone, though. I actually did say it to some friends when the kids were born. They treated it more as a cry for help, and now sort of laugh about it as a sign of how far things have come. But I just hide it better now. I meant it when I said it, and I still think it.

[Anonymous]

It’s a crapshoot.
You may love or hate being a parent; most people are ok with it I think. It is a lot of work and your freedom is gone; yet, most people are biologically programmed to grin and bear it or even like it.
I am glad I took the leap of faith. It was more difficult than I thought but 10 years later I am starting to gain back my freedom and reap some benefits. Just don’t have too many imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, how would you feel?

OP here. Happy but scared. I’m 38. There is worry about having children at ad advanced age.

If your H leaves you and you are single again, it will be difficult to find friends interested in hanging out with someone who is childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so much work and sacrifice, esp in the beginning. If you don't feel any inclination, then shouldn't have kids. It's a huge choice to be unsure.

I know women who are barely involved with their children, they prob felt society pressure to have them. Thankfully, that's not the case anymore.

There is still huge social pressure to have kids. I am not sure what you mean that it is not the case anymore. It is still very apparent.

+1 there is still a very pervasive idea that you’re nothing without bringing kids into this world, directed predominantly toward women. It’s slowly changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, how would you feel?

OP here. Happy but scared. I’m 38. There is worry about having children at ad advanced age.

If your H leaves you and you are single again, it will be difficult to find friends interested in hanging out with someone who is childless.

OP here. My husband isn’t going to leave me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, since this is an anonymous forum, I can be honest. I didn't really want kids. I wasn't entirely set against it, but I wasn't for it either. We had trouble conceiving, and were getting close to giving up. Then we had twins.

I love them. I really do. But it's hard. And the last few years have been miserable. And the usual thing I hear is that it doesn't really get better so much as it gets different.

My spouse did want kids. But they don't really have the energy or time for them either. It doesn't help that one is special needs, but we're almost certainly bad parents on top of that.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have had kids. You can never say that to anyone, though. I actually did say it to some friends when the kids were born. They treated it more as a cry for help, and now sort of laugh about it as a sign of how far things have come. But I just hide it better now. I meant it when I said it, and I still think it.

DP, me too. I have two and love them but if I could relive it with hindsight I wouldn’t have had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, how would you feel?

OP here. Happy but scared. I’m 38. There is worry about having children at ad advanced age.

I’d have the baby then. It sounds like you’d regret not having it. I also liked the experience of Pregnancy so I’m biased but I’m glad I went through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, how would you feel?

OP here. Happy but scared. I’m 38. There is worry about having children at ad advanced age.

This was me, and for the same reasons. I wound up having a kid and it has been great. I struggled so much with the decision but finally decided I just needed to jump and trust I'd land somewhere good. The minute I got my positive test, I felt giddy and so did my husband. Such an amazing adventure to start. And I think you get to your late 30s and realize that there are so many total leap-of-faith adventures available to you without quitting your job or upending your life. Having a kid is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either you are 100% committed or don’t do it.

+1

[Anonymous]

You need to want them 110% as they will consume your life. Your former life will cease to exist. If you are not 100% you will end up miserable and possibly on anti-depressants. You sound like you want to be childfree which would absolutely be a great life. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Not everyone needs to have kids.