DH still working from home. Find myself dreading going home each night

[Anonymous]

DH started working from home in March, will likley due so til this coming March (pray to baby Jeezus his office reopens!!!!). I have been working outside the home since April and it is slowly killing me to have him working from home.
he has no office so he lays in bed or on the couch all day. Dishes everywhere because work. Half of the time he is not clothed other than shorts and doesn't shower/brush his teeth until bed.
I find myself staying later and later at work. Finding projects to do. Picking up extra projects (not hard since most of our office is still out due to childcare). Our kids are in school and he does pick up afterward but then they play til I get home or do school work.
I feel like a crap mom for not wanting to rush home to be with them. They are not the problem. I just can't stand going home to DH anymore.
I get on one hand he is working and earning money. Great.
BUT i am an introvert who likes a little time without him around 24/7 all of the time. I just can't be in my own house anymore. I can't take a day off and have the house to myself. I can't just be.
I am secretly hoping I will have weekend projects come up so I can just have a bit of 'me' time at the office without him.

[Anonymous]

If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

This is the issue. I can't believe you didn't put it with your initial post. You are an introvert who needs "me" time and your husband doesn't respect that. You found a work around in the past that's now not an option. Time for a come to Jesus conversation - not "hey I need some quiet time right now" but a sit down, after the kids are in bed, "we need to talk. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest? How can I build in some quiet time in the constraints of a pandemic?" Explain your feelings, make some suggestions, listen, listen, listen.

Just staying late at work is a terrible way to handle this. Your marriage is going to start to erode if you don't face this head on.

[Anonymous]

I am also introverted and sometimes tell my spouse "I can't miss you if you never leave!" There's nothing wrong with him, but I need alone time.

OP, can you take a day off and go walk around a park or something? Get some takeout food and just read a book or something and unwind. Do it soon because the weather won't be nice for that forever.

Or can he go camping with the kids? Take them on a bike ride or another outing (zoo, pumpkin patch) every weekend this fall? I understand how nice it is to just be in your house alone and I don't think it's too much to ask because he's presumably getting several hours a day of it!

[Anonymous]

This is why we are buying a much bigger house (in our case we both WFH).

[Anonymous]

You’re working outside the home and you need time away from him? Wut? How is this even different from when he wasn’t working from home?

Why don’t you stop at a coffee shop on the way home and read a book for 15 minutes or something.

Or just stop being such a crybaby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

This is the issue. I can't believe you didn't put it with your initial post. You are an introvert who needs "me" time and your husband doesn't respect that. You found a work around in the past that's now not an option. Time for a come to Jesus conversation - not "hey I need some quiet time right now" but a sit down, after the kids are in bed, "we need to talk. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest? How can I build in some quiet time in the constraints of a pandemic?" Explain your feelings, make some suggestions, listen, listen, listen.

Just staying late at work is a terrible way to handle this. Your marriage is going to start to erode if you don't face this head on.

THIS. Please, OP, go back and re-read the post above over and over. It is a mature and well-reasoned response to your situation. Staying at work later and later is not any response at all. You must talk to your DH adult to adult. Don't do it when the kids are up. Do it when you can be alone with him and neither of you has something else you need to do.

You are missing the bigger picture here, as the PP so rightly notes. You need to communicate with the person you married. The issue is not the dishes and the lack of "real" clothes so much as your need for alone time. You are obscuring your real issue under other, tangible things like dishes.

Have some ideas and suggestions ready before you talk, OP. If your children are school-aged, and if his work schedule permits it, can he take them out in the car with him for a drive that ends with picking up takeout dinner? Once a week? Then you get home just after he texts you they're leaving and you get some alone time. On weekends, what is happening? Can he do something with the kids (a walk, play outside, play games together in another room) while you get alone time or you go for a separate walk? And vice versa, so HE gets some time that is not work, or with you, or with kids?

You need to be ready to present some positive ideas so you and he don't just flounder and end up arguing when you have your talk.

Please do not let a totally fixable issue damage your marriage. It's already doing so. Time to start communicating and working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

This is the issue. I can't believe you didn't put it with your initial post. You are an introvert who needs "me" time and your husband doesn't respect that. You found a work around in the past that's now not an option. Time for a come to Jesus conversation - not "hey I need some quiet time right now" but a sit down, after the kids are in bed, "we need to talk. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest? How can I build in some quiet time in the constraints of a pandemic?" Explain your feelings, make some suggestions, listen, listen, listen.

Just staying late at work is a terrible way to handle this. Your marriage is going to start to erode if you don't face this head on.

Been there done that. Even in therapy a few years back this came up and he just doesn't want to 'get it'. He takes it as a slight against him that I would rather have time to myself sometimes than be with him. He refuses to leave "HIS" home just so i can have it to myself.
Like I said. I have been able to work around it in the past but him working from home is slowly killing me and my spirit and I feel trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

This is the issue. I can't believe you didn't put it with your initial post. You are an introvert who needs "me" time and your husband doesn't respect that. You found a work around in the past that's now not an option. Time for a come to Jesus conversation - not "hey I need some quiet time right now" but a sit down, after the kids are in bed, "we need to talk. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest? How can I build in some quiet time in the constraints of a pandemic?" Explain your feelings, make some suggestions, listen, listen, listen.

Just staying late at work is a terrible way to handle this. Your marriage is going to start to erode if you don't face this head on.

Been there done that. Even in therapy a few years back this came up and he just doesn't want to 'get it'. He takes it as a slight against him that I would rather have time to myself sometimes than be with him. He refuses to leave "HIS" home just so i can have it to myself.
Like I said. I have been able to work around it in the past but him working from home is slowly killing me and my spirit and I feel trapped.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are not even doing a good job explaining your issues here, so it seems like you might not be great at communicating. You make it seem like it's about him working from home, but wouldn't he be home anyway at night, even if he were working from the office? So it's not about him working from home; it's about him not giving you space. My guess, from your posts here, is that you aren't good at communicating and get frustrated, and all of this might be related to your introversion. If I were you and wanted to solve the problem (rather than just complain on the internet), I would really think about how I have been communicating and come up with a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

This is the issue. I can't believe you didn't put it with your initial post. You are an introvert who needs "me" time and your husband doesn't respect that. You found a work around in the past that's now not an option. Time for a come to Jesus conversation - not "hey I need some quiet time right now" but a sit down, after the kids are in bed, "we need to talk. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest? How can I build in some quiet time in the constraints of a pandemic?" Explain your feelings, make some suggestions, listen, listen, listen.

Just staying late at work is a terrible way to handle this. Your marriage is going to start to erode if you don't face this head on.

Been there done that. Even in therapy a few years back this came up and he just doesn't want to 'get it'. He takes it as a slight against him that I would rather have time to myself sometimes than be with him. He refuses to leave "HIS" home just so i can have it to myself.
Like I said. I have been able to work around it in the past but him working from home is slowly killing me and my spirit and I feel trapped.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are not even doing a good job explaining your issues here, so it seems like you might not be great at communicating. You make it seem like it's about him working from home, but wouldn't he be home anyway at night, even if he were working from the office? So it's not about him working from home; it's about him not giving you space. My guess, from your posts here, is that you aren't good at communicating and get frustrated, and all of this might be related to your introversion. If I were you and wanted to solve the problem (rather than just complain on the internet), I would really think about how I have been communicating and come up with a better way.

Issue is. He is still working from home. His hours are 9-6. My hours are 7-4. So, on any given day I would have around 2 hours before he got home (kids in sports or with friends some days) if needed. OR I could take a day off and he would not be home. Or i could get off early and he would not be home.
So when he got home around 6:30-7 I would be happy to see and spend time with him. Now he starts earlier and gets off around 5 but is at home in the living room all of the time even if he is working. We don't have an office for him to work in so he is in the main areas. The only time away from someone I get is at work (i have my own office) and i find myself wanting to stay at work longer and longer just to not have to go home because I feel mentally drained being there.
Sorry if it is not clear and unless you are an introvert and understand the need to just have space and be alone I don't think any amount of communicating will help. I know a trained therapist couldn't even make him get it and explained it very clearly to him.

[Anonymous]

Working from home sucks and it double sucks for spouses if there is no dedicated work area for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have school aged children isn't your "me time" without them realistically only from 9ish until you go to bed (say 11 max)? I'm not sure why your DH working from home changes that other than no longer having the potential to take a day off and stay home.

DH is the type that needs to be with me when we are both home. We can't sit in seperate rooms or just not talk. (I mean we CAN, but he pouts and complains and doesn't respect that is what I need). Before I could get what I need without him having to accomodate me or 'buy in'. I could just take a day off or leave work early. But now he is literally always there.

This is the issue. I can't believe you didn't put it with your initial post. You are an introvert who needs "me" time and your husband doesn't respect that. You found a work around in the past that's now not an option. Time for a come to Jesus conversation - not "hey I need some quiet time right now" but a sit down, after the kids are in bed, "we need to talk. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't know how to handle it. What do you suggest? How can I build in some quiet time in the constraints of a pandemic?" Explain your feelings, make some suggestions, listen, listen, listen.

Just staying late at work is a terrible way to handle this. Your marriage is going to start to erode if you don't face this head on.

Been there done that. Even in therapy a few years back this came up and he just doesn't want to 'get it'. He takes it as a slight against him that I would rather have time to myself sometimes than be with him. He refuses to leave "HIS" home just so i can have it to myself.
Like I said. I have been able to work around it in the past but him working from home is slowly killing me and my spirit and I feel trapped.

I agree with the posters who say you don't seem able to lay it out clearly and that you and dh may not be great communicataors. Is there somewhere you can go from 4pm-6pm to have "me time"? I know it's harder now, but can you go for a walk, come home and make tea and take it out to your patio (if you have one) and read, or do something to give yourself time while dh works (like a workout video)? If he's working, then he's not going to be able to be with you at that time. If staying at work and having your me time there refreshes you, I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. I also recommend waking up an hour early and having private time to read and drink coffee before everyone else wakes up.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are not even doing a good job explaining your issues here, so it seems like you might not be great at communicating. You make it seem like it's about him working from home, but wouldn't he be home anyway at night, even if he were working from the office? So it's not about him working from home; it's about him not giving you space. My guess, from your posts here, is that you aren't good at communicating and get frustrated, and all of this might be related to your introversion. If I were you and wanted to solve the problem (rather than just complain on the internet), I would really think about how I have been communicating and come up with a better way.

Issue is. He is still working from home. His hours are 9-6. My hours are 7-4. So, on any given day I would have around 2 hours before he got home (kids in sports or with friends some days) if needed. OR I could take a day off and he would not be home. Or i could get off early and he would not be home.
So when he got home around 6:30-7 I would be happy to see and spend time with him. Now he starts earlier and gets off around 5 but is at home in the living room all of the time even if he is working. We don't have an office for him to work in so he is in the main areas. The only time away from someone I get is at work (i have my own office) and i find myself wanting to stay at work longer and longer just to not have to go home because I feel mentally drained being there.
Sorry if it is not clear and unless you are an introvert and understand the need to just have space and be alone I don't think any amount of communicating will help. I know a trained therapist couldn't even make him get it and explained it very clearly to him.

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine the savagery on here if this had been a DH posting this?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how you have never read a book in bed while he watched tv or you watched bravo on one tv while he watched something on a different tv. I mean, never?? If you are wanting to be alone every night after the kids go to bed then that is a problem. But once a week or so should be fine. Or just let him pout. It’s not your job to manage his feelings. How frequently were you taking days off and leaving early before?