Adjusting unrealistic expectations with grandparents as a mom

[Anonymous]

I realize that the change needs to lie with me, but I'm looking for tips and strategies from those who have been in my shoes.
My parents are very involved grandparents. They are always reaching out, asking questions, offering to help, following the trajectory of my children's lives.

My MIL just...doesn't. She never initiates calls or visits, never asks questions about who they have for school this year or what sports they're doing or whatever, just seems totally disengaged. She is a loving person in real life, but it's like -- out of sight, out of mind. We never hear from her, and we only talk to her when I prod my husband into calling her. The family dynamic is just different.

I'm beginning to feel annoyed that MIL seems to take no extra interest in my kids. When they were babies it bothered me less, but now that they have their own activities, personalities, etc., it's hitting home.

I am old enough to realize she isn't going to change and I need to just deal with it. But my mind keeps going back to comparing her with. my own parents and wondering if she somehow doesn't love my kids and if so, why!? Then I tell myself to shut up and get over it, but it keeps happening with each forgotten event, each awkward FaceTime where she asks nothing about our lives, etc.

My husband grew up like this and says it impeded him quite a bit - never had guidance in applying for college, motivation at school, etc - nobody asked questions or steered him. So I know this is her persona.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be a complaint about your parents being over-involved! You have two very involved parents who support you and your kids have two very involved grandparents. You know your expectations of your MIL are unrealistic. I'm assuming that holding those expectations are bringing you nothing good. Maybe try some mindfullness exercises to let go of these thoughts about your MIL.

Do you feel like your DH isn't enough of an achiever? It is possible that you are displacing your frustrations with him onto your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Good Q. I do feel like my husband was hamstrung by lack of parental involvement. He never had any direction or encouragement. I met him in college. He has changed a lot since then, but it's been thanks to his own influence, career coaches, my own family encouraging him, etc. I am not resentful of my MIL in this regard, she was a good parent in other ways, but yes, i do think it affected my DH.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am not really sure what you are asking OP. It feels like you have already adjusted your expectations for your MIL, even if you still feel a bit sad about her lack of involvement.

Do your parents or MIL live nearby? It sounds from your description that your parents are nearby but your MIL may live further away. This can really impact parental involvement. My parents are extremely involved in my nieces and nephews lives but only see my kid once or twice a year. It is simply not possible for the to be more involved. They certainly don't know things like my kid's teachers names or follow every interest. It doesn't bother me because it was my choice to live far away. Personally I prefer having more distance as I think my parents can be very difficult to deal with when they are very involved. I think my siblings sometimes wish they had more breathing room.

Another factor may be age. My MIL is about a decade older than my parents and is a widow. She just has a harder time initiating involvement or accomplishing it. She's someone who needs a lot of facilitating. That's just how it goes. We do our best to provide it when we can, but we also accept that she isn't going to be the sort of grandmother to just take our kid for an afternoon or be able to sit down and talk to our kid or play for any sustained amount of time. We accept it and move on. That's just how it goes.

Our kid has two parents who are completely invested and love her. She also has extended family that can offer a more varied picture of the world for you, other adults who can have other kinds of influence on her. We know our influence is the most important, but we think that variety is good. She is learning that people are different and you can't expect the same thing from everyone. Thankfully she is doing that in a very safe and supportive home environment. I'm not sure you can ask for much more than that, really.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just introverted, and are completely happy to get a FaceTime call or plan a visit, but it would never occur to them to reach out and initiatie.

This is my dad. He's very pleasant to chat with, do video calls with, and be with in person. He's kind and fun and loving with my kids. Whenever we call to show him artwork or a new trick on the bike, he is engaged and caring. He is great to be around on visits.

But...he is 100% content to just enjoy daily life. He's up at 5, drinking coffee, doing a crossword. If the phone rings, great! If not, fine, and it would not occur to him to call unless he had a specific reason.

The other day he initiated a text conversation for the first time in maybe two years. He saw a trailer for the new "Rebecca" movie, and sent it to me, because he knows I love the book. So he had a REASON to text. Otherwise, he just responds to mine.

[Anonymous]

A lot of older people (especially women) had kids because they felt like it was a requirement. Maybe she's just not into kids and wants to enjoy not having to deal with hearing about another soccer game?

Is your FIL out of the picture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of older people (especially women) had kids because they felt like it was a requirement. Maybe she's just not into kids and wants to enjoy not having to deal with hearing about another soccer game?

Is your FIL out of the picture?

This is definitely not it - she conceived DH artificially (or whatever equivalent was in 1980) and had foster kids.
FIL is out of pic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just introverted, and are completely happy to get a FaceTime call or plan a visit, but it would never occur to them to reach out and initiatie.

This is my dad. He's very pleasant to chat with, do video calls with, and be with in person. He's kind and fun and loving with my kids. Whenever we call to show him artwork or a new trick on the bike, he is engaged and caring. He is great to be around on visits.

But...he is 100% content to just enjoy daily life. He's up at 5, drinking coffee, doing a crossword. If the phone rings, great! If not, fine, and it would not occur to him to call unless he had a specific reason.

The other day he initiated a text conversation for the first time in maybe two years. He saw a trailer for the new "Rebecca" movie, and sent it to me, because he knows I love the book. So he had a REASON to text. Otherwise, he just responds to mine.

This is my husband. He has been ignoring DIL's request to write letters to her two very small children for their time capsule and I am sure she is annoyed. He is just happy to know everyone is doing well but would be bored out of his mind at a kids' birthday party.

[Anonymous]

My tip: when your MIL's lack of involvement bothers you, remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you, or your children, or even your husband. She has always been like this, and she will always be like this. Her parenting may have affected your husband, but her grand parenting will have little affect on your children, who are lucky to have the example of your parents as involved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this, too. And I also grew up with little guidance and struggle with motivation to this day (see also: being on DCUM instead of working). My mom could go months with no contact; my dad texts me sometimes and calls every couple weeks to lament how sad he is that he doesn't know when he'll see us next (they live across the country).

I got tired of the whining and suggested he stop being so anti-technology so he could FaceTime more (he's refused to get an iphone or any smart phone). My siblings and I got him an iPad for his birthday last month because we thought that would be less intimidating since he doesn't have to use it every day for any and all communications. He's slowly getting it. But I have to say I'm still stewing that neither of them even thought to ask how things are going for our kid who just started kindergarten. They're just so disconnected.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t sweat it. One less thing off your plate.

[Anonymous]

What I wouldn't give to have two -- TWO! -- supportive, helpful, stable parents of my own, let alone grandparents in my kids' lives. And you feel sorry for yourself for not having a third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

DP. My parents care because they enjoy reading up on the teacher's bio on the school website and following the classroom blog. They love hearing about my kids' sports teams and who scored a goal, what color the team is, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I wouldn't give to have two -- TWO! -- supportive, helpful, stable parents of my own, let alone grandparents in my kids' lives. And you feel sorry for yourself for not having a third?

Many people have four!