Adjusting unrealistic expectations with grandparents as a mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

DP. My parents care because they enjoy reading up on the teacher's bio on the school website and following the classroom blog. They love hearing about my kids' sports teams and who scored a goal, what color the team is, whatever.

I really wish I had this. I am not even sure my parents know what grades my kids are in. They really do not care one little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this, too. And I also grew up with little guidance and struggle with motivation to this day (see also: being on DCUM instead of working). My mom could go months with no contact; my dad texts me sometimes and calls every couple weeks to lament how sad he is that he doesn't know when he'll see us next (they live across the country).

I got tired of the whining and suggested he stop being so anti-technology so he could FaceTime more (he's refused to get an iphone or any smart phone). My siblings and I got him an iPad for his birthday last month because we thought that would be less intimidating since he doesn't have to use it every day for any and all communications. He's slowly getting it. But I have to say I'm still stewing that neither of them even thought to ask how things are going for our kid who just started kindergarten. They're just so disconnected.

SAME!! This describes my parents to a T, and my child just started kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

None of my grandparents were involved in my life. I think as long as you're open with your kids and supportive of your kids, it should not matter. YOU matter more than her.

[Anonymous]

It sucks OP. Similar situation in our lives.
You have to accept it for what it is and move on as best you can.
Comparison is the thief of joy and so on.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL is like that. She didn't even raise her own kids (there was "help" for that) and now all she cares about is her old-ass "girlfriends" and the size of her bank account.
I don't care. Her loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

DP. My parents care because they enjoy reading up on the teacher's bio on the school website and following the classroom blog. They love hearing about my kids' sports teams and who scored a goal, what color the team is, whatever.

Are your kids the only grandkids? Are your parents retired? My parents both work full time and there are 12 grandkids. I wouldn't expect them to know who my child's teacher is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

DP. My parents care because they enjoy reading up on the teacher's bio on the school website and following the classroom blog. They love hearing about my kids' sports teams and who scored a goal, what color the team is, whatever.

Are your kids the only grandkids? Are your parents retired? My parents both work full time and there are 12 grandkids. I wouldn't expect them to know who my child's teacher is.

NP. Wow, this struck me, too. My mom will ask what's your teacher's name and will remember it, but she would never DREAM of being on the school website. I would think it was kind of creepy if she dug that deep!

[Anonymous]

I had a teacher who was a grandma, she would watch her grandkid sleep on the daycares nanny cam as everyone arrived for class.

You want that level of interest, while they’re just normal grandparents. It’s ok OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

DP. My parents care because they enjoy reading up on the teacher's bio on the school website and following the classroom blog. They love hearing about my kids' sports teams and who scored a goal, what color the team is, whatever.

Yikes. That would be boundary-crossing for me. Reading up on the bios of my kids’ teachers?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I wouldn't give to have two -- TWO! -- supportive, helpful, stable parents of my own, let alone grandparents in my kids' lives. And you feel sorry for yourself for not having a third?

Many people have four!

No...no...they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Accept her level of involvement. It isn't your call how involve she wants to be. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should your MIL care who your kids have for school? That's your job. You're the parent. Your expectations are unreasonable. I can't imagine caring who specifically my grandchildren have for school, which soccer team they are on, etc. Tell me where to be and I'll show up. I'll probably be really involved in hearing about their music lessons because I find that interesting. But I was barely interested in soccer when my own kids played it.

DP. My parents care because they enjoy reading up on the teacher's bio on the school website and following the classroom blog. They love hearing about my kids' sports teams and who scored a goal, what color the team is, whatever.

Yikes. That would be boundary-crossing for me. Reading up on the bios of my kids’ teachers?!

Really? They're on most schools' websites. I don't think it's weird - I google everyone. LOL

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you call her? It’s possible she just doesn’t want to impose.

[Anonymous]

At least your kids have two supportive grandparents. Be thankful for that. My kids have only one grandparent, my MIL, and she's exactly like yours. What I wouldn't give for my kids to have even ONE grandparent that is involved in their lives.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am thinking maybe there is more to the dynamic between your MIL and you than you mention.

You say "we only talk to her when I prod DH to calling her." Well, how much have YOU tried to initiate a relationship with her?

This is very very similar to another recent post on DCUM. One of the points made there was that the relationship between a daughter with kids and her own parents is a much different dynamic than a daughter-in-law and her MIL.

Perhaps your MIL is in the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" segment. Maybe you have come across as distant and cool, and she figures she doesn't want to intrude unless invited.

If she were to initiate, like other MILs do, then she might be snapped at because she is over-involved.