Adjusting unrealistic expectations with grandparents as a mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am thinking maybe there is more to the dynamic between your MIL and you than you mention.

You say "we only talk to her when I prod DH to calling her." Well, how much have YOU tried to initiate a relationship with her?

This is very very similar to another recent post on DCUM. One of the points made there was that the relationship between a daughter with kids and her own parents is a much different dynamic than a daughter-in-law and her MIL.

Perhaps your MIL is in the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" segment. Maybe you have come across as distant and cool, and she figures she doesn't want to intrude unless invited.

If she were to initiate, like other MILs do, then she might be snapped at because she is over-involved.

I reach out to her a lot but it's the same - vague plans about seeing the family, etc. I have been as direct as I can in inviting her to see us, sharing photos, asking after her etc., but nothing changes.

[Anonymous]

This is just who she is. She's not proactive about initiating contact, she's not into the minutiae of kids' lives, etc. It has nothing to do with how much she loves your kids. It has entirely to do with you comparing her with your own parents, who have different personalities and with whom you have a different dynamic.

You could have the opposite problem -- she might be overly involved, want to see your kids all the time even when it's inconvenient, etc. So accept the silver lining that she's not expecting a lot of work from you, send her photos and updates and so forth however frequently works for you, and let go of your expectations. Don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't get what the problem here is and why it's bothering you, and I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Why are you making a big deal about this? If your kids had no involved grandparents in their lives, I would understand your disappointment, but they have your parents. If you thought your MIL was the most amazing person in the world and you thought your kids were missing out by not being close to her, ok maybe that makes sense. If your kids adored her but she rejected their overtures, I could see being upset on their behalf.

But it's not these things. It sounds like you have a very strong need to be liked, and your MIL's lack of attention has *you* feeling insecure about her feelings about you and your children. In that case, you're being silly. If she's like this with everyone, it has nothing to do with you or your kids. Alternatively, maybe you feel sad on DH's behalf that she's not the kind of mother you think he deserves? If this is the case, harping on her lack of attention can only make him feel worse.

Either way, you're making this about you. It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of my grandparents were involved in my life. I think as long as you're open with your kids and supportive of your kids, it should not matter. YOU matter more than her.

Same. I was the youngest child of “older” parents. My kids also have had limited involvement with grandparents due to age and distance. It is not ideal but it sounds like your parents are more than making up for it. Maybe switch the dynamic and think about what you and your husband can do to make your MIL last years pleasant. Maybe that involves your kids, maybe not. I’m really grateful for the time I spent with my parents during their last few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My tip: when your MIL's lack of involvement bothers you, remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you, or your children, or even your husband. She has always been like this, and she will always be like this. Her parenting may have affected your husband, but her grand parenting will have little affect on your children, who are lucky to have the example of your parents as involved grandparents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't get what the problem here is and why it's bothering you, and I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Why are you making a big deal about this? If your kids had no involved grandparents in their lives, I would understand your disappointment, but they have your parents. If you thought your MIL was the most amazing person in the world and you thought your kids were missing out by not being close to her, ok maybe that makes sense. If your kids adored her but she rejected their overtures, I could see being upset on their behalf.

But it's not these things. It sounds like you have a very strong need to be liked, and your MIL's lack of attention has *you* feeling insecure about her feelings about you and your children. In that case, you're being silly. If she's like this with everyone, it has nothing to do with you or your kids. Alternatively, maybe you feel sad on DH's behalf that she's not the kind of mother you think he deserves? If this is the case, harping on her lack of attention can only make him feel worse.

Either way, you're making this about you. It's not.

Yes. All of this. I’m guessing she can feel you judging her about a hundred other things. There’s no one way to be a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't get what the problem here is and why it's bothering you, and I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Why are you making a big deal about this? If your kids had no involved grandparents in their lives, I would understand your disappointment, but they have your parents. If you thought your MIL was the most amazing person in the world and you thought your kids were missing out by not being close to her, ok maybe that makes sense. If your kids adored her but she rejected their overtures, I could see being upset on their behalf.

But it's not these things. It sounds like you have a very strong need to be liked, and your MIL's lack of attention has *you* feeling insecure about her feelings about you and your children. In that case, you're being silly. If she's like this with everyone, it has nothing to do with you or your kids. Alternatively, maybe you feel sad on DH's behalf that she's not the kind of mother you think he deserves? If this is the case, harping on her lack of attention can only make him feel worse.

Either way, you're making this about you. It's not.

Yes. All of this. I’m guessing she can feel you judging her about a hundred other things. There’s no one way to be a grandparent.

I agree - MIL probably can sense DIL's attitude.

OP said:
"We only talk to her when I prod DH to calling her." ... AND ... "I reach out to her a lot"

Which is it? When her role/responsibility in this relationship is questioned, then OP seems to change her story to make herself look better.

[Anonymous]

Op - how about you consider this: yes your children will experience different grandparenting styles. They will think about it. They will think about the differences and how people show love. They may make a decision re: what they want in their life going forward, what to look for in people. Maybe they will pick a better spouse for themselves. Maybe they become a better parent themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't get what the problem here is and why it's bothering you, and I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Why are you making a big deal about this? If your kids had no involved grandparents in their lives, I would understand your disappointment, but they have your parents. If you thought your MIL was the most amazing person in the world and you thought your kids were missing out by not being close to her, ok maybe that makes sense. If your kids adored her but she rejected their overtures, I could see being upset on their behalf.

But it's not these things. It sounds like you have a very strong need to be liked, and your MIL's lack of attention has *you* feeling insecure about her feelings about you and your children. In that case, you're being silly. If she's like this with everyone, it has nothing to do with you or your kids. Alternatively, maybe you feel sad on DH's behalf that she's not the kind of mother you think he deserves? If this is the case, harping on her lack of attention can only make him feel worse.

Either way, you're making this about you. It's not.

Yes. All of this. I’m guessing she can feel you judging her about a hundred other things. There’s no one way to be a grandparent.

I agree - MIL probably can sense DIL's attitude.

OP said:
"We only talk to her when I prod DH to calling her." ... AND ... "I reach out to her a lot"

Which is it? When her role/responsibility in this relationship is questioned, then OP seems to change her story to make herself look better.

I'm the OP. We only speak to her on FaceTime when DH calls her. I reach out to her often via text and email. So, it's both. Nobody is "changing" their story. This isn't a very special episode of Law & Order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't get what the problem here is and why it's bothering you, and I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Why are you making a big deal about this? If your kids had no involved grandparents in their lives, I would understand your disappointment, but they have your parents. If you thought your MIL was the most amazing person in the world and you thought your kids were missing out by not being close to her, ok maybe that makes sense. If your kids adored her but she rejected their overtures, I could see being upset on their behalf.

But it's not these things. It sounds like you have a very strong need to be liked, and your MIL's lack of attention has *you* feeling insecure about her feelings about you and your children. In that case, you're being silly. If she's like this with everyone, it has nothing to do with you or your kids. Alternatively, maybe you feel sad on DH's behalf that she's not the kind of mother you think he deserves? If this is the case, harping on her lack of attention can only make him feel worse.

Either way, you're making this about you. It's not.

Yes. All of this. I’m guessing she can feel you judging her about a hundred other things. There’s no one way to be a grandparent.

I agree - MIL probably can sense DIL's attitude.

OP said:
"We only talk to her when I prod DH to calling her." ... AND ... "I reach out to her a lot"

Which is it? When her role/responsibility in this relationship is questioned, then OP seems to change her story to make herself look better.

I'm the OP. We only speak to her on FaceTime when DH calls her. I reach out to her often via text and email. So, it's both. Nobody is "changing" their story. This isn't a very special episode of Law & Order.

Why can’t you FaceTime with the kids? Or better yet, have the kids FaceTime. You seem standoffish if you only communicate thru text/email. Almost like you don’t really want to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. I grew up with a set of close grandparents who I saw almost weekly and who came to every recital, play and whatever else. And a set of grandparents that I saw once a year for a three hour dinner.

It was no big deal to me that I had a set I wasn't close with. My close grandparents loved the shit out of me, and I knew that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I wouldn't give to have two -- TWO! -- supportive, helpful, stable parents of my own, let alone grandparents in my kids' lives. And you feel sorry for yourself for not having a third?

Many people have four!

Do many people have four? I know very few people where all 4 grandparents are alive, healthy, engaged and helpful grandparents. Most people I know have at most one grandparent like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I wouldn't give to have two -- TWO! -- supportive, helpful, stable parents of my own, let alone grandparents in my kids' lives. And you feel sorry for yourself for not having a third?

Many people have four!

Do many people have four? I know very few people where all 4 grandparents are alive, healthy, engaged and helpful grandparents. Most people I know have at most one grandparent like that.

Many people I know do.

[Anonymous]

My kids had one loving supportive grandparent out of four. OP, I hate it when people say shut up and count your blessings, but really, be glad for the involved grandparents your kids have and not waste your time figuring out how to make MIL into a different type of person.