Rules for dealing with your difficult elderly parent

[Anonymous]

I figured out a set of rules that are helping me have less stressful visits with my elderly mom who has become even more difficult, rigid and easily agitated with age. I am wondering what rules others follow so I get new ideas and I wonder if some of these are universals.

1. No hot topics where you might disagree.
When she goes there, try to change the subject. If she won't allow it, hear her rant and then maybe reflect back "oh, you think Trump has been amazing for this country" then change subject once she feels heard "How is you friend Elma doing?" Do not disagree because it will set off agitation. I will hold my ground and not agree with anything I don't agree with, but there is no engaging discussion anymore if you have a different view.

2. Do not give any info you don't want broadcast or where you don't want her inserting herself.

3. Find something to compliment her on that is genuine.

4. Try to stick to pleasant and harmless topics. If possible have her share a pleasant memory from her past with the grandkids. I notice bringing her back to a happier time can bring out a better side.

5. Do not verbally confront any bad behavior with one exception. If she says something blatantly racist and inflammatory I will confront and dispute what she says and simply end the visit if she rants on trying to convert my kids to her prejudice. Otherwise it is best to just make an excuse to leave. It took a while to learn if I state the problematic behavior and give warning it makes her feel a child so she has a tantrum. If she has a tantrum because I won't go allow with racist beliefs though so be it. Otherwise I don't want to set off a stroke or the potential of her tripping over something or falling as she is raging.

6. Try hard to remember the qualities I liked about her and write them down so I am willing to go through the stress of seeing her. She had all these negative qualities too, but they weren't as magnified and they were intermixed with some decent qualities.

Now with the school year starting I am more stressed thinking about balancing that and work and it has made it even harder to get into the right mindset. Sometimes I just am not in the mood to walk on eggshells and take the high road and all her controlling behavior, poking and prodding eats at me. If I don't visit every time I feel like that, it will become self-reinforcing and I'll just want to avoid her forever.

What helps you?

[Anonymous]

Do not expect approval or gratitude. Do not expect this person to provide any emotional support. It is a one sided relationship and a job. The reinforcement needs to come from within. Feel good about the fact you are trying to stay connected and reward yourself after a challenging visit.

Keep expectations for visits very low. Do not expect mature behavior. Do not expect emotional regulation. Do not expect kindness. Occasionally the parent may surprise you. Try to blame the aging process and brain changes and not the person.

[Anonymous]

Good advice. My mom wasn't this bad but it was difficult to make the shift to not talking about certain things with her. You keep wanting them to change and sometimes they're in a good mood so you think everything is okay so you share something that later gets thrown back in your face at times of stress. It's a real hard habit to break - that sharing of personal things - but things got so much better when I finally did break it.

[Anonymous]

Do not give in to any attempts to control you with money. Threats of changing the will, only giving a gift if you do x, y or z, or even threats they will just give it all to the dog are met with

"It's your money do you as you wish."

Do not engage. Do not argue. Do not do back flips. Do what you can and move on.

[Anonymous]

My present plan is not to call or visit until she goes on meds to mellow out. Since she denies she needs help, and gets angry if I even offer suggestions, I have no interest in being subject to toxic behavior.

[Anonymous]

This is a good list. #2 especially -- I learned that early on as I listened to my mother dish all manner of gossip about my siblings and their spouses and kids, and quickly noted that when I got married and had kids, I would be cautious about what I shared.

I would add that if you live far from your parent, put calls to them on your schedule and then jot down a couple "safe" topics of discussion. I call about twice a month and talk about my kids, the weather in their town, and the health of our various ailing relatives. It seems to appease her and make her feel loved, and I don't get the guilt trips or silent treatment that I used to for going to long between calls.

Also, an interesting note: I cannot discuss politics with my mother even though she is liberal and hates Trump. I used to think "oh, at least that's something we can agree on." But like so many people her age, she watches a metric ton of cable news and sees all the crazy posts and memes on Facebook. So even though she hates Trump, she'll still parrot these ridiculous talking points she hears on TV or that her conservative family and friends share. I used to try to set her straight but eventually I just started avoiding the topic completely. She'll vote for Biden in November, anything beyond that is just inane bullshit. God help us with so many voters at that age and disposition -- it is truly alarming how misinformed and reactionary they are. No wonder Trump has gotten away with what he has.

[Anonymous]

Short, sweet and less frequent visits are better for everyone's mental health than frequent, longer, stressful and contentious visit. If the person cannot be nice, just spread things out a little more and make sure you stay jovial and calm. Figure out that sweet spot of how long you can be there before it turns sour or before you cannot fake it any longer.

[Anonymous]

Keep my expectations low to nonexistent and expect an attitude problem no matter what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep my expectations low to nonexistent and expect an attitude problem no matter what I do.

Amen to that.

Also, as soon as she starts comparing me to this friend's daughter or that person just think to myself "there she goes again." None of those people would have ever met her expectations in full and they would have gotten just as much verbal abuse if they had been born to her. She has an innate need to split...you are all good or all bad. It's the same thing when she rants about someone for something minor. "there she goes again."

[Anonymous]

I think the most important thing is to try not to let it stress you out and impact on other aspects of your life.

If you can visit or call on the phone and disengage with any nonsense, then you're better off long term both psychologically and physically.

It takes a toll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a good list. #2 especially -- I learned that early on as I listened to my mother dish all manner of gossip about my siblings and their spouses and kids, and quickly noted that when I got married and had kids, I would be cautious about what I shared.

I would add that if you live far from your parent, put calls to them on your schedule and then jot down a couple "safe" topics of discussion. I call about twice a month and talk about my kids, the weather in their town, and the health of our various ailing relatives. It seems to appease her and make her feel loved, and I don't get the guilt trips or silent treatment that I used to for going to long between calls.

Also, an interesting note: I cannot discuss politics with my mother even though she is liberal and hates Trump. I used to think "oh, at least that's something we can agree on." But like so many people her age, she watches a metric ton of cable news and sees all the crazy posts and memes on Facebook. So even though she hates Trump, she'll still parrot these ridiculous talking points she hears on TV or that her conservative family and friends share. I used to try to set her straight but eventually I just started avoiding the topic completely. She'll vote for Biden in November, anything beyond that is just inane bullshit. God help us with so many voters at that age and disposition -- it is truly alarming how misinformed and reactionary they are. No wonder Trump has gotten away with what he has.

A lot of this describes my situation, especially the cable news part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short, sweet and less frequent visits are better for everyone's mental health than frequent, longer, stressful and contentious visit. If the person cannot be nice, just spread things out a little more and make sure you stay jovial and calm. Figure out that sweet spot of how long you can be there before it turns sour or before you cannot fake it any longer.

+1 Luckily, as she is getting older, she gets tired more quickly and is actually just fine with us ending the visits after not too long.

[Anonymous]

Visits in public. Best behavior is demonstrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do not expect approval or gratitude. Do not expect this person to provide any emotional support. It is a one sided relationship and a job. The reinforcement needs to come from within. Feel good about the fact you are trying to stay connected and reward yourself after a challenging visit.

Keep expectations for visits very low. Do not expect mature behavior. Do not expect emotional regulation. Do not expect kindness. Occasionally the parent may surprise you. Try to blame the aging process and brain changes and not the person.

Wow this is basically all of my interactions with my elderly mom at this point. It's tough with a full time job and my own kids but when she says "well you only visit once every two weeks" when I'm there (an hour away) a minimum of once per week, is very, very frustrating. I may need to print this and keep this handy. It really is thankless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do not expect approval or gratitude. Do not expect this person to provide any emotional support. It is a one sided relationship and a job. The reinforcement needs to come from within. Feel good about the fact you are trying to stay connected and reward yourself after a challenging visit.

Keep expectations for visits very low. Do not expect mature behavior. Do not expect emotional regulation. Do not expect kindness. Occasionally the parent may surprise you. Try to blame the aging process and brain changes and not the person.

Wow this is basically all of my interactions with my elderly mom at this point. It's tough with a full time job and my own kids but when she says "well you only visit once every two weeks" when I'm there (an hour away) a minimum of once per week, is very, very frustrating. I may need to print this and keep this handy. It really is thankless.

It is and what nobody tells you is you must put the family you created and your own mental health first. Since she thinks you only visit once every 2 weeks-do that! If she complains about that see her less. Find the comfort zone where you can see her and not feel burned out and frustrated. Have that list of safe topics handy. If she is just difficult all the time, which can be my mom some months...years then simply do what you can handle and be at peace. It's better to see her less and not let the resentment build into hating her...that's what I figured out.