Rules for dealing with your difficult elderly parent

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all of these helpful tips.

My mom and dad are still both alive. My mom has always been hard on my dad but now she is even more volatile and angry. I was with her alone recently and she went on and on about my dad and I told her she sounded angry and unhappy. I suggested therapy. She blew up at me, said I was taking my dad's side and how insulting I was. She has cut herself off from her friends while my dad is more social - she's jealous and angry about that. I told her to find her own outlet - she rejects everything after trying it once or twice. She just doesn't get along with others.

I see so many friends who have nice little old lady moms and I have this difficult, angry woman who only complains bitterly about everything when I see her. I feel guilt that I don't see her more but I need some self-preservation.

Anyway, that is all. Just needed to vent in an anonymous place where others seem to be experiencing it, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of these helpful tips.

My mom and dad are still both alive. My mom has always been hard on my dad but now she is even more volatile and angry. I was with her alone recently and she went on and on about my dad and I told her she sounded angry and unhappy. I suggested therapy. She blew up at me, said I was taking my dad's side and how insulting I was. She has cut herself off from her friends while my dad is more social - she's jealous and angry about that. I told her to find her own outlet - she rejects everything after trying it once or twice. She just doesn't get along with others.

I see so many friends who have nice little old lady moms and I have this difficult, angry woman who only complains bitterly about everything when I see her. I feel guilt that I don't see her more but I need some self-preservation.

Anyway, that is all. Just needed to vent in an anonymous place where others seem to be experiencing it, too!

We should have coffee and put our moms together for their own coffee and kvetch session!

My mother would have a tantrum if you suggested she needed therapy. At one point her doctor convinced her to take anti-anxiety medicine by framing it in a way that boosted her ego. I wish i recall what he said, but it was around the time dad needed a major surgery. She was much better on them, but she didn't notice a difference (?) and she decided they are only for crazy people and bad for her health.

My mother whines to me about how close some of her friends are to their daughters and how much better their daughters are for wanting that closeness. These same friends dote on their adult daughters, play nanny sometimes for weeks so daughter and hubby can travel, and they bring meals. I don't expect any of that other than it would be nice is she could just be nice! If I brought up to her why these ladies are likely closer to their daughters she'd flip out.

I have learned to detach. I used to want to rescue mom from her misery and make her happy. I made myself miserable trying to help her and I was just enabling her to remain miserable.

I too wish I had a sweet and gently old lady mommy. Now I just try to have aq sense of humor. I walk on eggshells, but still sometimes something so minor sets her off and I just think "Oh...there she blows!" as I try to de-escalate. I laugh with my husband at some of the obnoxious things she says to me so it doesn't sting as much.

Good luck! Daughter's of angry elderly mommies anonymous! DOEMA! LOL!

[Anonymous]

my mom and I had some terrible terrible years (things actually have gotten better since I got married and had kids, and as she has gotten to the end of life). But during the years i think of as "in the trenches," here is what I did--

-Never talked to mom on the phone alone, always brought in DH or sibling or kids for FaceTime/"fun" conference call.
-Brought a friend to visit or brought her to visit a friend.Mom was sweet as pie to basically anyone but me, so just always tried to find buffers.Or go out to eat so there is waitstaff and the public around (not really possible now, but maybe for later).
-Show and tell. Bring stuff to share on your visit. Video of the kids, article you clipped out, some magazine with a piece that you mark for her that you thought she might like. Videos are the best because they eat up time but you can watch it together. Maybe a show you want her to check out. That kills time and keeps her focus off you.
-if you're from an immigrant culture, bring food. Enumerate and talk about the foods you brought. Even if she complains, it's something to focus on that really isn't personal. In many cultures this is an important way of showing appreciation, we often don't do it for family, but those vibes will still help.
-talk about something else that she loves to vent about but isn't personal/triggering for you. "Mom, I heard this thing on the radio the other day, and you are so right, it's incredibly unfair how much they charge for high blood pressure meds...." Affirming her about some things can divert from other usual points of tension.

Good luck, OP, not an easy path to walk. Have you read Deborah Tannen's work about conflict between mothers and daughters? I found some of it really powerful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have to confess something. Every now and then I get fed up and the rules fly out the window. I confront the bad behavior, define it as abusive, give a guilt trip back and tell her I fully expect her to gaslight me. Her response goes something like this. "You're crazy! How dare you talk to your mother like that. You have no idea what you are talking about. Gaslighting? What the HELL is gaslighting?" I have defined gaslighting for her many times and she says "I never do that. You're crazy!" It feels good to actually be direct every so often and while it just escalates things in the moment, there is sometimes a brief lull after where she thinks twice before her trying desperately to use guilt, fear, obligation and any other tools she can muster up again.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for the tips. I hereby apply to join the club. I am very sad to see my mom's anxiety get the better of her and cause such strain between her an everyone else. I am in the process of mourning the person I once knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for the tips. I hereby apply to join the club. I am very sad to see my mom's anxiety get the better of her and cause such strain between her an everyone else. I am in the process of mourning the person I once knew.

That is exactly what goes on. You mourn the person you once knew and there is this constant adaptation to the every changing often much crueler person. The only upside is the times I am pleasantly surprised when things are calm and pleasant. It's fascinating how anxiety can lead one to act out so much with hostility and downright hatred. I wonder if it's nature's way of helping us be at peace when they eventually pass away. You bite the bullet and keep trying to be in the person's life and it gets harder and harder with maybe the occasional decent interaction. When the time comes, you are ready. I know I was with my other parent. Then over time you can finally access all the good memories better. I am losing those with my mother. Every outburst or verbal kick where it hurts makes it harder for me to remember the good. In fact, I was starting to wonder if the fact we were every close was real. Maybe I just had Stockholm syndrome. We clashed a lot when I was a tween and teen and from old diaries it seems like maybe she was always like this. Then we were so close in adulthood or were we?

[Anonymous]

I call my elderly mean cranky mom every Sunday afternoon with a glass of alcohol in hand. This week I could only last 10 minutes. She insulted me three times and asked me to do two things for her within that time. Gotta go, mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call my elderly mean cranky mom every Sunday afternoon with a glass of alcohol in hand. This week I could only last 10 minutes. She insulted me three times and asked me to do two things for her within that time. Gotta go, mom!

I can relate. I try to have witnesses whenever possible. I put her on speaker phone-have her talk to the kids or have my husband yell "hi" and I keep her on speaker phone when possible.I still sometimes have to abruptly end it like when she gets racist, but gives the claimer "I am not a racist, but...."