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[quote=Anonymous]I figured out a set of rules that are helping me have less stressful visits with my elderly mom who has become even more difficult, rigid and easily agitated with age. I am wondering what rules others follow so I get new ideas and I wonder if some of these are universals.

1. No hot topics where you might disagree.
When she goes there, try to change the subject. If she won't allow it, hear her rant and then maybe reflect back "oh, you think Trump has been amazing for this country" then change subject once she feels heard "How is you friend Elma doing?" Do not disagree because it will set off agitation. I will hold my ground and not agree with anything I don't agree with, but there is no engaging discussion anymore if you have a different view.

2. Do not give any info you don't want broadcast or where you don't want her inserting herself.

3. Find something to compliment her on that is genuine.

4. Try to stick to pleasant and harmless topics. If possible have her share a pleasant memory from her past with the grandkids. I notice bringing her back to a happier time can bring out a better side.

5. Do not verbally confront any bad behavior with one exception. If she says something blatantly racist and inflammatory I will confront and dispute what she says and simply end the visit if she rants on trying to convert my kids to her prejudice. Otherwise it is best to just make an excuse to leave. It took a while to learn if I state the problematic behavior and give warning it makes her feel a child so she has a tantrum. If she has a tantrum because I won't go allow with racist beliefs though so be it. Otherwise I don't want to set off a stroke or the potential of her tripping over something or falling as she is raging.

6. Try hard to remember the qualities I liked about her and write them down so I am willing to go through the stress of seeing her. She had all these negative qualities too, but they weren't as magnified and they were intermixed with some decent qualities.

Now with the school year starting I am more stressed thinking about balancing that and work and it has made it even harder to get into the right mindset. Sometimes I just am not in the mood to walk on eggshells and take the high road and all her controlling behavior, poking and prodding eats at me. If I don't visit every time I feel like that, it will become self-reinforcing and I'll just want to avoid her forever.

What helps you?[/quote]

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