So tired of endless court and stress from divorcing a narcissist

[Anonymous]

I just feel at the end of my rope. Like I've reached max capacity and anything that can give has given to max capacity and I don't know where to go next.

It's a really complicated situation and next steps are court ordered involving protecting kids and an extensive history of abuse.

But it's killing me and I feel I have so little left. I hardly look like myself anymore.

I just can't take the stress.

If there's anything you can share that could help I gladly welcome it. I've checked all the boxes I can think of. Good lawyer, supports, sleep, nutrition etc. It's just the length that's really getting to me. Like my humanness screams NO MORE. Not another day. This next stage will be a few months and who knows what's after.

But it's like my life is disappearing right before my eyes. I want to collapse, wave the white flag. But seems there is no option of white flags with narcissists.

[Anonymous]

You need some time to recuperate. Is it possible to have your parents or family watch the kids at least for a weekend and give you a chance to rest all by yourself? That marriage and now divorce sounds so stressful, you need a chance to decompress and gather strength. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your situation is worse than mine, but it does get better. I promise.

My ex is still a disaster, he’s a shitty “coparent” and purposely undermines everything I do with my child, but my life is a good life overall.

This phase will not last forever - I felt like I was just putting one foot in front of the other forever and then one day things were better and different.

I also did a lot of therapy, I used a therapist when I was in the middle of it all as a weekly support and crisis management strategy. Then (and I waited too long for this) I did EMDR to help heal the trauma of the abusive relationship so I could be in a healthy relationship (when I met my now fiancé I would have panic attacks when I thought about the future, or whenever we talked about our goals as a couple).

It doesn’t last forever, it’s really hard, and you are amazingly strong for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, I promise it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Your last sentence about dealing with narcissists is so true. This is true for divorce and other situations as well. You should first of all keep reminding yourself of how you are masterfully handling the situation. It sounds like you are being as thorough as possible, which is needed when dealing with narcissists.

Also, use physical reminders of your safety in your daily life. Those can do a lot to help you regain a sense of self. It can be items in your home that comfort you, an area in your home that is reflective and just yours, etc. The important thing is that you make it your own.

How are your kids doing? Are your outside supports there for them enough? It sounds like it, but even with that, it can feel overwhelming to deal with your own trauma and theirs.

There will be a time when this narcissist is not so present in your life. Try to picture what that will be like. That can help you to cope with the hopelessness now. Work on figuring out "who knows what's after" for you.

You sound like a really strong person.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey I’m so sorry. Mine took 27 months and nearly killed me. It is isolating on a whole new level- no one understands.

I’m nearly 6 mos our from it being finalized. I get better and freer and clearer each day but have a long way to go. This experience kind of broke my humanity.

[Anonymous]

Really sorry you're going through this, OP. The only "good news" is that since your kids are involved, you can't quit. You have no choice but to keep on keeping on.

Good luck. You have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Check out out of the fog website for support from those who have BTDT. Wishing you the best, stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Therapy so you stop becoming emotionally hooked by the ex's behavior. Then ,One day it happens and you aren't emotionally reactive to the behavior and you can laugh when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your situation is worse than mine, but it does get better. I promise.

My ex is still a disaster, he’s a shitty “coparent” and purposely undermines everything I do with my child, but my life is a good life overall.

This phase will not last forever - I felt like I was just putting one foot in front of the other forever and then one day things were better and different.

I also did a lot of therapy, I used a therapist when I was in the middle of it all as a weekly support and crisis management strategy. Then (and I waited too long for this) I did EMDR to help heal the trauma of the abusive relationship so I could be in a healthy relationship (when I met my now fiancé I would have panic attacks when I thought about the future, or whenever we talked about our goals as a couple).

It doesn’t last forever, it’s really hard, and you are amazingly strong for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, I promise it’s true.

Can you elaborate on the EMDR?

[Anonymous]

You’re not living with him anymore? That in itself is a major accomplishment. Just keep reminding yourself how great it is not to be living with him day to day anymore. He’s reacting because he knows you are escaping his web. But whatever he does, you’ll never be back there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your situation is worse than mine, but it does get better. I promise.

My ex is still a disaster, he’s a shitty “coparent” and purposely undermines everything I do with my child, but my life is a good life overall.

This phase will not last forever - I felt like I was just putting one foot in front of the other forever and then one day things were better and different.

I also did a lot of therapy, I used a therapist when I was in the middle of it all as a weekly support and crisis management strategy. Then (and I waited too long for this) I did EMDR to help heal the trauma of the abusive relationship so I could be in a healthy relationship (when I met my now fiancé I would have panic attacks when I thought about the future, or whenever we talked about our goals as a couple).

It doesn’t last forever, it’s really hard, and you are amazingly strong for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, I promise it’s true.

Can you elaborate on the EMDR?

EMDR is hard to explain. The best I can do is tell you that it borrows affect from happy memories and applies it to the traumatic ones so that you don’t react the same way when you think about them. I was totally skeptical, and didn’t believe that it would work, but it completely and totally changed my life. I did have to take anti-anxiety meds in order to be able to engage with the therapy because it was really difficult, but the PTSD was having a huge impact on my daily life, and I will be weaning off the meds soon because I no longer need them.

It was truly life changing and I highly recommend doing it. Completely, 100%, worth the money.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

[Anonymous]

There is a former yahoo group, now groups.io called Gomomgo. It's for divorcing moms, and it's mostly women divorcing narcissists. It's an excellent support group. Try and find it and join. It will provide you a support network of people that have been through it. Tons of great advice.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, divorcing a narcissist is the most difficult but rewarding thing you will ever do. I divorced mine when our child was 10 months old. She is now 9 and we are still in court over custody issues. He continues to try to undermine me despite being remarried and having more children. I at times feel like you do but then I remind myself I never have to live with him again, I never have to feel anxious stepping into my own home and I never have to have any adult male have a tantrum for no reason while I watch helplessly. I am also providing my child with a safe and supportive household 75 percent of the time. She does have to be exposed to him on weekend visits but as she gets older she has become more resistant to going and that's why we are back in court. Very soon if his narcissism continues unabated I'm sure she will refuse to go and no one can force her not even the court.

[Anonymous]

Best thing to deal with narcissists is to engage as less as possible. I know you have kids but pretty much no contact, no personal discussion about your situation and nothing additional. They get off in making you feel crappy and sucking up your energy by using every chance to degrade you.