So tired of endless court and stress from divorcing a narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

Also have the schools talk to him directly about missing homework, backpacks not making it to school, etc. These kinds of things can go on and on and on, but as soon as the teacher steps in and starts to "remind" him, it magically stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

Not everyone is rich to do that and it is a very expensive to communicate like that. A set of emails going from both sides is like $500-700 each time so suggest something cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

Also have the schools talk to him directly about missing homework, backpacks not making it to school, etc. These kinds of things can go on and on and on, but as soon as the teacher steps in and starts to "remind" him, it magically stops.

I don't think school cares about this. My ex hogs over all the kids related school paperwork because she is paranoid. We have 50/50 custody but school has not been very helpful on this. I don't get school's documentation, kids report card, important calls etc on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

Also have the schools talk to him directly about missing homework, backpacks not making it to school, etc. These kinds of things can go on and on and on, but as soon as the teacher steps in and starts to "remind" him, it magically stops.

I don't think school cares about this. My ex hogs over all the kids related school paperwork because she is paranoid. We have 50/50 custody but school has not been very helpful on this. I don't get school's documentation, kids report card, important calls etc on time.

Do you send child support on time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

Also have the schools talk to him directly about missing homework, backpacks not making it to school, etc. These kinds of things can go on and on and on, but as soon as the teacher steps in and starts to "remind" him, it magically stops.

I don't think school cares about this. My ex hogs over all the kids related school paperwork because she is paranoid. We have 50/50 custody but school has not been very helpful on this. I don't get school's documentation, kids report card, important calls etc on time.

Do you send child support on time?

Child support has nothing to do with school issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

Also have the schools talk to him directly about missing homework, backpacks not making it to school, etc. These kinds of things can go on and on and on, but as soon as the teacher steps in and starts to "remind" him, it magically stops.

I don't think school cares about this. My ex hogs over all the kids related school paperwork because she is paranoid. We have 50/50 custody but school has not been very helpful on this. I don't get school's documentation, kids report card, important calls etc on time.

She owes me a little child support every month because of health insurance that I pay so yes, that’s covered.

School issues got nothing to do with CS
Do you send child support on time?

[Anonymous]

I have seen that some of the moms in 50/50 custody case feel entitled for these kind of things such as becoming primary parent without consulting with the parent, doing things to not get the father involved and feeling a better parent because they are mother. If there is something like this then you care more about yourself and not your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, divorcing a narcissist is the most difficult but rewarding thing you will ever do. I divorced mine when our child was 10 months old. She is now 9 and we are still in court over custody issues. He continues to try to undermine me despite being remarried and having more children. I at times feel like you do but then I remind myself I never have to live with him again, I never have to feel anxious stepping into my own home and I never have to have any adult male have a tantrum for no reason while I watch helplessly. I am also providing my child with a safe and supportive household 75 percent of the time. She does have to be exposed to him on weekend visits but as she gets older she has become more resistant to going and that's why we are back in court. Very soon if his narcissism continues unabated I'm sure she will refuse to go and no one can force her not even the court.

How sad for your child that you don't want her to have a relationship with her Dad. She will refuse to go because you encourage it and are a selfish person. A court can hold parents in contempt but rarely do. And Mom's complain when men give up? You are the reason why. Stop taking his money and have his rights terminated.

because the only empathy you can show for my 9 year old daughter is to assume her mom is the problem and not her father’s behavior. Also assuming this man pays mega child support. I pay 95 percent of my child’s expenses. I work in child welfare and I can tell you removing children from the most abusive homes can be difficult. No matter how abusive the parent the child often clings to that parent because it’s all they know. If a child is consistently refusing to see a parent they need to be listened to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, divorcing a narcissist is the most difficult but rewarding thing you will ever do. I divorced mine when our child was 10 months old. She is now 9 and we are still in court over custody issues. He continues to try to undermine me despite being remarried and having more children. I at times feel like you do but then I remind myself I never have to live with him again, I never have to feel anxious stepping into my own home and I never have to have any adult male have a tantrum for no reason while I watch helplessly. I am also providing my child with a safe and supportive household 75 percent of the time. She does have to be exposed to him on weekend visits but as she gets older she has become more resistant to going and that's why we are back in court. Very soon if his narcissism continues unabated I'm sure she will refuse to go and no one can force her not even the court.

How sad for your child that you don't want her to have a relationship with her Dad. She will refuse to go because you encourage it and are a selfish person. A court can hold parents in contempt but rarely do. And Mom's complain when men give up? You are the reason why. Stop taking his money and have his rights terminated.

because the only empathy you can show for my 9 year old daughter is to assume her mom is the problem and not her father’s behavior. Also assuming this man pays mega child support. I pay 95 percent of my child’s expenses. I work in child welfare and I can tell you removing children from the most abusive homes can be difficult. No matter how abusive the parent the child often clings to that parent because it’s all they know. If a child is consistently refusing to see a parent they need to be listened to.

I highly doubt you work in child welfare based off this post and kids can be manipulated by a parent and if you worked in child welfare you'd know that.

[[e-mail]]

I do know that. I also know that kids continue to love the parent who is abusive to them because it is all they know. The fact that a child is consistently refusing to go with a parent tells you that the child's resistance needs to be explored and not just attributed to being manipulated by a parent. I also see nothing in my prior statement indicating I don't work in child welfare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your situation is worse than mine, but it does get better. I promise.

My ex is still a disaster, he’s a shitty “coparent” and purposely undermines everything I do with my child, but my life is a good life overall.

This phase will not last forever - I felt like I was just putting one foot in front of the other forever and then one day things were better and different.

I also did a lot of therapy, I used a therapist when I was in the middle of it all as a weekly support and crisis management strategy. Then (and I waited too long for this) I did EMDR to help heal the trauma of the abusive relationship so I could be in a healthy relationship (when I met my now fiancé I would have panic attacks when I thought about the future, or whenever we talked about our goals as a couple).

It doesn’t last forever, it’s really hard, and you are amazingly strong for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, I promise it’s true.

Be careful my ex used his dirt bag lawyer and got my theraoist records and used them in court against me

He can do that if he wants. If he does though, I’ll get the records of the treatment he went through for alcoholism. Which I just found out about in my child’s neuropsych eval report. Apparently he hid that from me.

What’s this about your coping therapy records going to the abuser and his lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing to deal with narcissists is to engage as less as possible. I know you have kids but pretty much no contact, no personal discussion about your situation and nothing additional. They get off in making you feel crappy and sucking up your energy by using every chance to degrade you.

I know this is common advice, but some people don't take no for an answer and not engaging doesn't work on them. They will just escalate and escalate until they get to the level where you must respond. If you find your narcissist ex doing something on purpose to upset you, just pretend to engage. Pretend to be upset so they get their tiny bit of sick satisfaction, and you will be unscathed. It's better than having them fish around for worse and worse things to do -- like suing for custody when they don't want it and then dropping it in front of the judge, for example.

Know your narcissist.

This is sad but true. I just had to engage emotionally this week (I’ve been baited a ton recently) because my ex is refusing to sign for our kid’s passport to travel abroad with me on my new assignment. He is threatening to go for full custody even though we both know he doesn’t want it. Today, a couple of days after that episode, he’s being amicable and is willing to sign. He just needed to get under my skin.

It can be hella draining, but you’re not alone. He bothered me a lot more years ago but I’m usually unbothered or oddly amused now. I’ve even used his antics against him a couple times.