So tired of endless court and stress from divorcing a narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, divorcing a narcissist is the most difficult but rewarding thing you will ever do. I divorced mine when our child was 10 months old. She is now 9 and we are still in court over custody issues. He continues to try to undermine me despite being remarried and having more children. I at times feel like you do but then I remind myself I never have to live with him again, I never have to feel anxious stepping into my own home and I never have to have any adult male have a tantrum for no reason while I watch helplessly. I am also providing my child with a safe and supportive household 75 percent of the time. She does have to be exposed to him on weekend visits but as she gets older she has become more resistant to going and that's why we are back in court. Very soon if his narcissism continues unabated I'm sure she will refuse to go and no one can force her not even the court.

How sad for your child that you don't want her to have a relationship with her Dad. She will refuse to go because you encourage it and are a selfish person. A court can hold parents in contempt but rarely do. And Mom's complain when men give up? You are the reason why. Stop taking his money and have his rights terminated.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let on that this is affecting you, in fact just the opposite. Stay cool and calm and let him look like the agitated one, composure is everything and wins in the end. They feed off of causing a reaction and wearing you down, it’s in the nasty divorce playbook. Knowing that it’s just a calculated chess move, be smarter and don’t play.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't and shouldn't stop him in seeing his kids. Try to develop your kids relationship with their father and take a back seat. No need to engage with everything otherwise you would look like a controlling person. You also need to work on yourself in not letting his habits annoy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your situation is worse than mine, but it does get better. I promise.

My ex is still a disaster, he’s a shitty “coparent” and purposely undermines everything I do with my child, but my life is a good life overall.

This phase will not last forever - I felt like I was just putting one foot in front of the other forever and then one day things were better and different.

I also did a lot of therapy, I used a therapist when I was in the middle of it all as a weekly support and crisis management strategy. Then (and I waited too long for this) I did EMDR to help heal the trauma of the abusive relationship so I could be in a healthy relationship (when I met my now fiancé I would have panic attacks when I thought about the future, or whenever we talked about our goals as a couple).

It doesn’t last forever, it’s really hard, and you are amazingly strong for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, I promise it’s true.

Be careful my ex used his dirt bag lawyer and got my theraoist records and used them in court against me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your situation is worse than mine, but it does get better. I promise.

My ex is still a disaster, he’s a shitty “coparent” and purposely undermines everything I do with my child, but my life is a good life overall.

This phase will not last forever - I felt like I was just putting one foot in front of the other forever and then one day things were better and different.

I also did a lot of therapy, I used a therapist when I was in the middle of it all as a weekly support and crisis management strategy. Then (and I waited too long for this) I did EMDR to help heal the trauma of the abusive relationship so I could be in a healthy relationship (when I met my now fiancé I would have panic attacks when I thought about the future, or whenever we talked about our goals as a couple).

It doesn’t last forever, it’s really hard, and you are amazingly strong for doing what you need to to protect yourself and your children. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, I promise it’s true.

Be careful my ex used his dirt bag lawyer and got my theraoist records and used them in court against me

He can do that if he wants. If he does though, I’ll get the records of the treatment he went through for alcoholism. Which I just found out about in my child’s neuropsych eval report. Apparently he hid that from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing to deal with narcissists is to engage as less as possible. I know you have kids but pretty much no contact, no personal discussion about your situation and nothing additional. They get off in making you feel crappy and sucking up your energy by using every chance to degrade you.

I know this is common advice, but some people don't take no for an answer and not engaging doesn't work on them. They will just escalate and escalate until they get to the level where you must respond. If you find your narcissist ex doing something on purpose to upset you, just pretend to engage. Pretend to be upset so they get their tiny bit of sick satisfaction, and you will be unscathed. It's better than having them fish around for worse and worse things to do -- like suing for custody when they don't want it and then dropping it in front of the judge, for example.

Know your narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, divorcing a narcissist is the most difficult but rewarding thing you will ever do. I divorced mine when our child was 10 months old. She is now 9 and we are still in court over custody issues. He continues to try to undermine me despite being remarried and having more children. I at times feel like you do but then I remind myself I never have to live with him again, I never have to feel anxious stepping into my own home and I never have to have any adult male have a tantrum for no reason while I watch helplessly. I am also providing my child with a safe and supportive household 75 percent of the time. She does have to be exposed to him on weekend visits but as she gets older she has become more resistant to going and that's why we are back in court. Very soon if his narcissism continues unabated I'm sure she will refuse to go and no one can force her not even the court.

How sad for your child that you don't want her to have a relationship with her Dad. She will refuse to go because you encourage it and are a selfish person. A court can hold parents in contempt but rarely do. And Mom's complain when men give up? You are the reason why. Stop taking his money and have his rights terminated.

Sad Dad strikes again.

[Anonymous]

This sounds really hard. I am sorry that you are going through this. My wish for you is that you come out on the other side strong and still able to experience the joy in life.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a friend read all his communications and only convey what is important to you, in a no drama way? And type your replies. Everything goes through an unemotional filter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let on that this is affecting you, in fact just the opposite. Stay cool and calm and let him look like the agitated one, composure is everything and wins in the end. They feed off of causing a reaction and wearing you down, it’s in the nasty divorce playbook. Knowing that it’s just a calculated chess move, be smarter and don’t play.

+1. Go grey rock. I learned about it here and it really helped me get through my divorce. And find a support system. I was so weary I agreed to several unfair outcomes just to escape. Don’t hurt your financial ground or your child’s future in that way. If you can afford it, it is worth it to borrow whatever you can to hire a good attorney that can be a buffer. Direct all communications through email, so you can step away and give a rational response.

It’s tough. I’m sorry Op. but it will not go on forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a friend read all his communications and only convey what is important to you, in a no drama way? And type your replies. Everything goes through an unemotional filter.

I set up a dummy email account, where all of the messages from him or any matter related to the divorce were emailed there. It helped my stress because he was overwhelming me with a lot of drama. Never reply or speak from any other place. It helped me keep just a dollop if sanity. But every bit helps. : )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel at the end of my rope. Like I've reached max capacity and anything that can give has given to max capacity and I don't know where to go next.

It's a really complicated situation and next steps are court ordered involving protecting kids and an extensive history of abuse.

But it's killing me and I feel I have so little left. I hardly look like myself anymore.

I just can't take the stress.

If there's anything you can share that could help I gladly welcome it. I've checked all the boxes I can think of. Good lawyer, supports, sleep, nutrition etc. It's just the length that's really getting to me. Like my humanness screams NO MORE. Not another day. This next stage will be a few months and who knows what's after.

But it's like my life is disappearing right before my eyes. I want to collapse, wave the white flag. But seems there is no option of white flags with narcissists.

There isn’t. Keep that in mind with everything you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing to deal with narcissists is to engage as less as possible. I know you have kids but pretty much no contact, no personal discussion about your situation and nothing additional. They get off in making you feel crappy and sucking up your energy by using every chance to degrade you.

I know this is common advice, but some people don't take no for an answer and not engaging doesn't work on them. They will just escalate and escalate until they get to the level where you must respond. If you find your narcissist ex doing something on purpose to upset you, just pretend to engage. Pretend to be upset so they get their tiny bit of sick satisfaction, and you will be unscathed. It's better than having them fish around for worse and worse things to do -- like suing for custody when they don't want it and then dropping it in front of the judge, for example.

Know your narcissist.

You could be write about this. My narcissist ex-wife try to engage with me on anything such as "don't take kids out to restaurants in COVID several times" when I refuse continue to engage with her on such a trivial matter. I have seen that she has some kind of paranoia of me being bad when I don't even talk to her about anything. Don't know how to deal with her as it is emotionally draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you dearly to each of you for your support, care and ideas. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to write and it feels good to have some new ideas and especially some supportive perspectives and experiences.

I very much appreciate your understanding and encouragement, thank you from my heart.

One bit of advice: try to always communicate through lawyers.

He’s early for pickup? Don’t talk to him. Have him call his lawyer who calls your lawyer who calls you.

Seriously. This will drive him insane. It will also work.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget to get regular medical check-ups with complete bloodwork.

You could be hyperthyroid and feel extra anxious and overwhelmed because of that, for example.