When elderly parent won't move

[Anonymous]

Believe me I have read the books, posted on message boards, spoken with experts, but girlfriend won't move. Her home is not set up for the elderly. The steps are frightening for us and we are mobile and in shape. There is a bathroom downstairs, but to put in a bathtub would involve a remodel she refuses. So this is what I am thinking. Have her stay there even when she requires 24 hour hired help. She will just have to get sponge baths. We install safety bars in the bathroom and a hospital bed can be placed downstairs. She will have to hire a driving service once we take away the car keys because she is the backseat driver from heck and after dealing with a MIL who did this we quickly decided you use a service and drive them nuts. If she injures herself at home, at least it happened the way she wanted. If the hired help doesn't show one day, I cannot fill in. If something happens, once again, she is living life on her terms. I cannot argue. I cannot gently coax anymore. I am depleted. I already went through years and years with other parent and in laws. Somehow she still passes a cognitive screen so I have to respect that she is supposedly of sound mind. She has been functionally paranoid her whole life and if she makes accusations of people stealing from her we can look into it and get the police involved, but I am not doing the revolving door of caregivers over and over. She doesn't play well with others.

If I force a move it will be endless temper tantrums and any ailment will be blamed on me, She will call any living relatives to start drama about how horrible I am. At some point it's just not worth it. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I was so confused. I couldn't figure out if you are talking about your mother or your girlfriend. I decided you must be using "girlfriend" as as euphemism. In any event, I would not force an elderly person to move into a nursing home or graduated living environment if they don't want to. But I am in the minority. My sisters convinced my parents to move a year and a half ago. I warned them that if they move ino the community that my sisters insisted on, that there will be a time at which whether or not they can stay together may not be there choice. 16 months later, it is clear that my mother cannot give my father the care he needs, after several hospitalizations during the pandemic, so the community is very strongly letting them know that he should not go home, but stay in the nursing unit he has been in since getting out of the hospital. While my mother is sad, she seems to understand. Meanwhile, my sister, who is the one--along with her husband (other sister is since deceased)--is irate that he is "being forced into the nursing home." While my BIL is egging her on saying, "it's not up to them, your parents get to decide." The contract is very clear: when they bought into the place, they agreed to these terms. It's so frustrating! Point is: be very careful what you wish for. I think you are right that if she has an accident or worse while home, at least she went the way she wished. Living the way my parents are now is incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

If she is your "girlfriend" and not your legal wife, your legal rights and responsibilities are very limited.
You say "At some point it's just not worth it. " Well there you go. You are under no obligation to stay and deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

[Anonymous]

Are there no financial considerations? 24/7 home health care is very expensive. Ask me how I know!

[Anonymous]

My parents are doing the same thing ... and for the cherry on top, are begging for “loans” every month because they refuse to downsize or even to get full disability when they were eligible for it. They continuously try to scam friends and relatives out of money claiming they will pay it back. They effectively stole a mentally disabled relative’s inheritance. They claim the moral high ground in every instance and are now trying to guilt me into “loaning” more money on the grounds that I owe it to them. (In actuality they never gave me a cent after 18 and didn’t even let me live at home in the summers after college AND they took me out of their will for no discernable reason.) Perhaps most unforgivably, they are trying to pressure/trick my brother (who they basically abandoned as a teen) into moving in from oversees to help them, and claim that his tiny, non-English speaking wife can be their full-time home health aide.

This is all to say - hold your ground OP and don’t let yourself be dragged down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

People, OP is talking about her elderly mother. Honestly, keep up with the colloquial use of girlfriend!

[Anonymous]

This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

[Anonymous]

I know exactly how you feel, OP, BTDT. This is what will happen: mom falls and caregiver calls 911 and you. She goes to the hospital and, if she survives, must be discharged to a rehab hospital. Then you must decide where to send her since the rehab will want to discharge her asap due to Covid concerns/caseload. You will scramble to find the proper placement and will end up compromiisng with a private care home which can handle her now-greater needs since assisted living cannot. It will no longer be up to her any more.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom was desperate to hang onto her house til the bitter end. She would have been much happier meeting new friends, but instead I was able to convince her to slowly get more help.with each health incident. Until the big one. After the heart attack we were preparing to move her to independent living but she died in rehab.

There is nothing you can do until she gets desperate. It would have been so nice to have a mom who loved her kids and grandkids and wanted to be around them and live near them and have fun rather than cling to a house. But, we have what we have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.

I was happy to drop everything to do for my MIL. Its part of life. My MIL declined more quickly once she went to a facility. She was stuck in a unit where people were not verbal and it was miserable. I was constantly going and constantly reporting issues with abuse/neglect and it was a nightmare. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Wait till you see the person you love with a huge bruise on their face and caregivers have no idea how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.

I was happy to drop everything to do for my MIL. Its part of life. My MIL declined more quickly once she went to a facility. She was stuck in a unit where people were not verbal and it was miserable. I was constantly going and constantly reporting issues with abuse/neglect and it was a nightmare. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Wait till you see the person you love with a huge bruise on their face and caregivers have no idea how.

That wasn't our experience. We worked with an expert in the field to find a good place.

You say you were happy to drop everything to care for your MIL. I assume you have a flexible job or don't work. So, why didn't you drop everything and take her in. It's easy to criticize those who don't when you haven't walked the walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.

That’s what my grandma did. makes me tear up to think about it.