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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....[/quote]

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.[/quote]

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.[/quote]

I was happy to drop everything to do for my MIL.  Its part of life.  My MIL declined more quickly once she went to a facility.  She was stuck in a unit where people were not verbal and it was miserable.  I was constantly going and constantly reporting issues with abuse/neglect and it was a nightmare.  The grass isn't always greener on the other side.  Wait till you see the person you love with a huge bruise on their face and caregivers have no idea how.[/quote]

That wasn't our experience. We worked with an expert in the field to find a good place.

You say you were happy to drop everything to care for your MIL. I assume you have a flexible job or don't work. So, why didn't you drop everything and take her in. It's easy to criticize those who don't when you haven't walked the walk.[/quote]

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