When elderly parent won't move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

People, OP is talking about her elderly mother. Honestly, keep up with the colloquial use of girlfriend!

WTF? Seriously? You call your mother "girlfriend?" Is this another Gen-whatever thing young folks made up?? Why not just use word "mother" which is a perfectly good useable word?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.

I was happy to drop everything to do for my MIL. Its part of life. My MIL declined more quickly once she went to a facility. She was stuck in a unit where people were not verbal and it was miserable. I was constantly going and constantly reporting issues with abuse/neglect and it was a nightmare. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Wait till you see the person you love with a huge bruise on their face and caregivers have no idea how.

Absolutely this. My father went into the nursing unit of his senior community after a short hospitalization and fell and went to the emergency three times in the first 10 days he was there. He had never once needed an emergency room visit for a fall while living on his own. He has been on lock down in there since March and hasn't seen my mother or children in over 6 months. I'm fairly certain he will die this way. I will never go into one of those places. They are not happy places and my parents are paying a fortune for an incredibly reputable one.

[Anonymous]

My MIL admits that she goes up her carpeted stairs on her hands and knees and comes down sliding step by step on her bum. Why doesn't she sleep in the first floor bedroom with bathroom? WTF. She's sharp as a tack and generally healthy. I guess I'm glad she's doing that instead of risking a fall but seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what is so sad in the case of my mother. She would be MUCH happier in assisted living making friends while still having her own space. Not now during Covid, but ideally when things get back to some normalcy. by then any of her friends nearby will have moved. Some have already gone into assisted living and the ones who were really kind and nurturing to their kids throughout life are now moving in with their kids and grandkids. One in basically taking over not only as personal nanny, but chef of the house for her daughter and grandkids. If my mother moved in she would queen, dictator, slavemaster and tyrant of the house, but I digress....

She might not be happier. That is for her to decide, not you.

You are right if the person is of sound mind, it is their decision. The thing is social skills are very important to delaying or slowing the progression of dementia. Lonliness is not good for mental and physical health. Plus it is incredibly cruel to expect family to drop everything and deal with your emegencies when you refuse to be a place that offers the level of care and safety you need.

I have seen with my own parents and with friends parents and relatives, only the ones who have been caregivers themselves and who care deeply about enjoying their family and not being a burden on them are the ones who plan themselves to go into a residential place. Usually, it's an accident that puts them there. Those rare cases where they go willingly it allows everyone the opportunity to savor their time with you without the constant worry of nobody being around if you fall, or you skipping meals and having rotting food in the fridge or you burning the house down. It is a much more delightful experience to visit and enjoy laughter and stories than it is to say "mom, why is all of the food in the fridge spoiled" or "mom, how did you get those bruises? Did you trip down the steps?" or to beg them to allow in home care. Your memories end up being years of battles and walking on eggshells and resentment. Let me tell you....there is nothing like not only having a pleasant visit, but meeting mom's new friends who live just down the hall and knowing she is never truly alone.

I was happy to drop everything to do for my MIL. Its part of life. My MIL declined more quickly once she went to a facility. She was stuck in a unit where people were not verbal and it was miserable. I was constantly going and constantly reporting issues with abuse/neglect and it was a nightmare. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Wait till you see the person you love with a huge bruise on their face and caregivers have no idea how.

Absolutely this. My father went into the nursing unit of his senior community after a short hospitalization and fell and went to the emergency three times in the first 10 days he was there. He had never once needed an emergency room visit for a fall while living on his own. He has been on lock down in there since March and hasn't seen my mother or children in over 6 months. I'm fairly certain he will die this way. I will never go into one of those places. They are not happy places and my parents are paying a fortune for an incredibly reputable one.

Really? My father fell constantly at home with my mother there and caregivers. That can happen as you decline. Those of you unhappy with your parent's care...get on it.. Either find a new facility or rescue them and take them into your home. Please care for your loved one at home for a few months before you tell those of us who have been there what is best. This is for those of you with declining, difficult, angry elderly parents, not helpful, together and pleasant elderly parents. It's easy to take someone in who has empathy and compassion and who isn't at constant risk of falls and other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL admits that she goes up her carpeted stairs on her hands and knees and comes down sliding step by step on her bum. Why doesn't she sleep in the first floor bedroom with bathroom? WTF. She's sharp as a tack and generally healthy. I guess I'm glad she's doing that instead of risking a fall but seriously.

It's a good sign she has to common sense to do it safely. Mine claims to be all there, but will fall down some steps. They don't want to adjust and sleep on floor because that is accepting that you have aged to the point is needed. Even though she is aware enough to be safe, there is probably some denial too. That said, she is exercising her brain doing the motor planning to crawl up the steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

People, OP is talking about her elderly mother. Honestly, keep up with the colloquial use of girlfriend!

No one calls their elderly mom their "girlfriend". That's so weird. I might call my 30 year old friends "girl friend" but that's not something that's applied to the elderly. Also there's a difference between girlfriend and girl friend.

[Anonymous]

You can’t make her move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

People, OP is talking about her elderly mother. Honestly, keep up with the colloquial use of girlfriend!

No one calls their elderly mom their "girlfriend". That's so weird. I might call my 30 year old friends "girl friend" but that's not something that's applied to the elderly. Also there's a difference between girlfriend and girl friend.

Sure they do. Keep up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

People, OP is talking about her elderly mother. Honestly, keep up with the colloquial use of girlfriend!

No one calls their elderly mom their "girlfriend". That's so weird. I might call my 30 year old friends "girl friend" but that's not something that's applied to the elderly. Also there's a difference between girlfriend and girl friend.

Agree. The only reason I knew she was talking about someone elderly was the title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is girlfriend? Who is we? Tell your story clearly and plainly if you want any help.

People, OP is talking about her elderly mother. Honestly, keep up with the colloquial use of girlfriend!

No one calls their elderly mom their "girlfriend". That's so weird. I might call my 30 year old friends "girl friend" but that's not something that's applied to the elderly. Also there's a difference between girlfriend and girl friend.

Sure they do. Keep up!

Um...many of us come up with all sorts of goofy things to call our elderly loved ones to get by. If you don't find it funny or appropriate then don't do it. Why are you harping so much on one word? Why don't you go volunteer with some of the most challenging elderly at your local assisted living, nursing home or memory care rather than worrying about someone calling her mom "girlfriend."