How did you grow up and live with a unstable, insecure, mean sibling?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a relationship with them now? How did you AND your parents cope when either you had no resources for therapy (or meds) or sibling/ child won’t cooperate and go to therapy? Or taking the fu....g meds? How does it affect your relationships now and as a parent?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't have a relationship with him. He was violent growing up, and was a nasty person, very damaged. Unfortunately he had a terrible teacher in 5th grade who said he wouldn't ever amount to anything and that just ruined him.

Skip ahead and we're in our 50s and a few years ago I decided that no, I didn't have to stay in contact with him. We had very minimal contact up to that point anyway, so cutting him off was not a big deal. He had some good years, but he's now the typical angry middle aged white guy, almost incel type. Hyper misogynistic and conspiracy theorist. Just angry at life. I never would allow my daughter to be subjected to that, so he never really had any relationship with her anyway. Now there isn't any and I feel zero regret.

[Anonymous]

We have no relationship now. We are not hostile, just indifferent to each other. We don't live in the same country so there's no need for us to interact ever, even when visiting our parents as we're never there at the same time.

Growing up was difficult. My parents never fully understood that they were probably looking at some type of mental illness, so excuses were made for the verbally and physically abusive behaviour and there was no serious attempt at treatment (praying doesn't count). My brother was antagonistic to my parents as well, and especially vile toward my mother. Almost came to blows with my father. But he is still a much-beloved child, believed to simply be misunderstood. He is the eldest of us four.

I just keep my distance. He will never have a relationship with my child, although I do have a great relationship with most of his kids, except the youngest.

The experience definitely erased any illusions I had about the need to give my child a sibling. I know too well that that can go either way. I believe it affected my ability to trust that violence isn't always lurking just beneath the surface decency in men. I can also immediately see when insecurity is masquerading as dominance. It has been a useful skill to develop.

[Anonymous]

I am guarded and distant with him, but I do love him and want to have a relationship. He has mellowed out significantly, but he still tries to provoke debates and arguments with me. I employ the gray rock method and rarely take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a relationship with them now? How did you AND your parents cope when either you had no resources for therapy (or meds) or sibling/ child won’t cooperate and go to therapy? Or taking the fu....g meds? How does it affect your relationships now and as a parent?

This was me and my younger brother (4 years younger). I always told my parents that he had severe, undiagnosed behavioral issues. My parents defended him no matter what, including when he stole my bike, rode it down a hill in the middle of the night (my parents had no rules in our house), without his hands on the bars, and destroyed the bike and dislocated his shoulders and broke his wrist. He would call me fat and ugly whenever I walked into the kitchen at the same time as him. He’d plant food in my bed so I’d get in trouble because our only rule was no eating in the bedroom. I bought myself an expensive pair of sneakers (we were the same size at one point) and he stole them and my dad refused to defend me because apparently I was “hoarding” them. My parents refused to force him to do anything he didn’t want to do or treat me with respect. We’ve never had an actual conversation. He can’t sit through a conversation. We have no relationship now.

[Anonymous]

We have no relationship and she is blocked on my phone. She'd push me in front of a bus for $5. There is nothing I can do except draw hard boundaries and do my own therapy to recover/move on as a 40-yr-old adult, which I do.

[Anonymous]

It is so interesting and helpful for me to read other accounts. In my case the sibling was academically successful in a household that valued bragging rights over everything else. It doesn't matter that countless relatives, friends and teachers pointed out problems: extreme arrogance, antisocial behavior, extreme schadenfreude, and symptoms of NPD or that she clashed with both parents often, she was fine because she was successful. She became estranged from my parents for years at a time and would come back when she needed them. She burned through people including relatives-knew how to get sympathy, would get very close, take advantage and manipulate and and then eventually the relationship went up in flames.

Even with her fiance I pointed out abusive behavior on her part to both her and my parents and once again, someone that brilliant could do no wrong. Relationship imploded.

I am the bad guy for finally distancing myself for the sake of my family. It even took my husband a while to see how disturbed she is, for a while he pitied her. I am 6 years younger, but am expected to be a big sister to her and look out for her because she doesn't have close friends or a spouse. No thanks. After a particularly disturbing incident I have blocked her from email and phone. Thanks to Covid there is no family pressure to see her. She would gladly kill me to benefit herself, but then she

[Anonymous]

At some point, you have to recognize that there are things you can control and there are things that you just... can't. My sister has always had extreme (and often violent) mood swings. We were generally close as young children, but through adolescence and young adulthood, grew apart as it became clearer and clearer that she had untreated mental illness (likely borderline personality disorder). She is in her late 20's now, and is still undiagnosed, unmedicated, and in large part, very difficult to be around, but we've actually gotten quite close again because I've stopped engaging with her when her behavior becomes inappropriate.

Here's a good example: We had a great time over dinner with family, but she took serious offense when my mom (casually and without ill intent) asked her about her college classes. She immediately exploded and started yelling about how it was none of my mom's business and about how she was sure that my mom brought it up to embarrass her because she somehow knew that she wasn't doing well. It was a paranoid, violent rant. And previously, I may have tried to pacify her, or argue with her and show her how unreasonable she was being. That doesn't work with someone that has a mood disorder. So without emotion, I just calmly said, "Sounds like this is a sensitive subject and it seems like you could use some space right now. I think Mom and I are going to go in the kitchen to get dessert together." And just walked out of the room with my mom. Sister left in a huge huff and texted me (and my mom) some very aggressive things throughout the night (trying to start an argument and seeking support as to how my mom was supposedly being unreasonable) which we just didn't respond to. No argument, no engagement, just radio silence.

By the next morning, my sister had calmed down and left both me and my mom voicemails about how she was sorry that she had an outburst and that she's really upset about her grades right now. We both just said something along the lines of "Totally get that it's a tough subject and that you had hurt feelings. It's not OK to talk to us like that. But we're family and we're moving on." That was it.

Since we've started using this method, the number and intensity of emotional outbursts has dwindled quite a bit. It still happens (again, because she's not on any mood stabilizers and clearly has a chemical imbalance that makes it difficult to regulate her emotional response) but it's much less severe than it used to be.

Best advice; you can't control someone else's reactions and behaviors but you can control your own. Don't let their behavior change yours. Don't rise to the bait and engage. It just fuels the fire and isn't productive. There's a reason that people exhibit "unstable, insecure, and mean" behaviors. If it's not mental illness, there could be underlying trauma or that person could just be a jerk. You get to choose how you react and ultimately, what your relationship is like with that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point, you have to recognize that there are things you can control and there are things that you just... can't. My sister has always had extreme (and often violent) mood swings. We were generally close as young children, but through adolescence and young adulthood, grew apart as it became clearer and clearer that she had untreated mental illness (likely borderline personality disorder). She is in her late 20's now, and is still undiagnosed, unmedicated, and in large part, very difficult to be around, but we've actually gotten quite close again because I've stopped engaging with her when her behavior becomes inappropriate.

Here's a good example: We had a great time over dinner with family, but she took serious offense when my mom (casually and without ill intent) asked her about her college classes. She immediately exploded and started yelling about how it was none of my mom's business and about how she was sure that my mom brought it up to embarrass her because she somehow knew that she wasn't doing well. It was a paranoid, violent rant. And previously, I may have tried to pacify her, or argue with her and show her how unreasonable she was being. That doesn't work with someone that has a mood disorder. So without emotion, I just calmly said, "Sounds like this is a sensitive subject and it seems like you could use some space right now. I think Mom and I are going to go in the kitchen to get dessert together." And just walked out of the room with my mom. Sister left in a huge huff and texted me (and my mom) some very aggressive things throughout the night (trying to start an argument and seeking support as to how my mom was supposedly being unreasonable) which we just didn't respond to. No argument, no engagement, just radio silence.

By the next morning, my sister had calmed down and left both me and my mom voicemails about how she was sorry that she had an outburst and that she's really upset about her grades right now. We both just said something along the lines of "Totally get that it's a tough subject and that you had hurt feelings. It's not OK to talk to us like that. But we're family and we're moving on." That was it.

Since we've started using this method, the number and intensity of emotional outbursts has dwindled quite a bit. It still happens (again, because she's not on any mood stabilizers and clearly has a chemical imbalance that makes it difficult to regulate her emotional response) but it's much less severe than it used to be.

Best advice; you can't control someone else's reactions and behaviors but you can control your own. Don't let their behavior change yours. Don't rise to the bait and engage. It just fuels the fire and isn't productive. There's a reason that people exhibit "unstable, insecure, and mean" behaviors. If it's not mental illness, there could be underlying trauma or that person could just be a jerk. You get to choose how you react and ultimately, what your relationship is like with that person.

This is good advice. My sister's latest manipulation tool is her daughter. I have learned to just say "oh really" and change the subject. Sadly my elderly mother gets sucked into the drama and she gets her to fund all sorts of things for princess. She will tell my brother and i we need to travel (during Covid) with our kids to see because her daughter is having meltdowns over how much she misses her cousins. My niece has many friends and she is not particularly close with her cousins all of whom are much older. I guarantee you she is not hysterically missing her cousins. Plus her cousins are teenage and college age boys, and she is a girly little girl who "hates boys." They barely even talk. She calls up other family to invite herself to Thanksgiving and other holidays by saying her niece feels like she has no real family and she talks about them and their family all the time and misses them horribly. Sometimes it works, sometimes girlfriend has to mooch off someone else (She would never cook). If I say "no" to a request she starts a drama over how much I have upset my niece. Sometimes she drags my mother into it.

The interesting thing is when we actually see her and niece, they don't get along at all and they try to drag everyone into their problems. I would like to just side with my niece, but i know to stay out of it because I don't want to poke the hornet's nest. My husband and I may start only seeing niece with her ex because it's a much calmer and drama-free situation.

[Anonymous]

It always strikes me as sad how mean spirited and vengeful some of the descriptions of mean family members are. I'm sure these posters are completely unaware of how these posts come off. It's hard to tell whose side to choose....

[Anonymous]

She got much better as she matured. She was an unhappy kid. Untreated problems. Not really her fault.

[Anonymous]

I find my sister is an entirely different person on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. She is not controlling and cruel. She can allow people to have their own thoughts and opinions. She doesn't make nasty comments under her breath and give constant digs. It is actually refreshing to her able to enjoy life and not be so hostile. Unfortunately, she hates losing her edge. While medicated she was no longer a superstar at work because she lost the desire to be cut-throat. It is so, so sad because I think she would have a whole support network if she just treated all her unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have no relationship and she is blocked on my phone. She'd push me in front of a bus for $5. There is nothing I can do except draw hard boundaries and do my own therapy to recover/move on as a 40-yr-old adult, which I do.

Do you mean literally or figuratively?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always strikes me as sad how mean spirited and vengeful some of the descriptions of mean family members are. I'm sure these posters are completely unaware of how these posts come off. It's hard to tell whose side to choose....

+1

I was going to post the same thing. Some of these posts I totally understand and the poster sounds level headed. Some of the others just drop with hate. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Drip, not drop