Reply to How did you grow up and live with a unstable, insecure, mean sibling?

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[quote=Anonymous]At some point, you have to recognize that there are things you can control and there are things that you just... can't. My sister has always had extreme (and often violent) mood swings. We were generally close as young children, but through adolescence and young adulthood, grew apart as it became clearer and clearer that she had untreated mental illness (likely borderline personality disorder). She is in her late 20's now, and is still undiagnosed, unmedicated, and in large part, very difficult to be around, but we've actually gotten quite close again because I've stopped engaging with her when her behavior becomes inappropriate.

Here's a good example: We had a great time over dinner with family, but she took serious offense when my mom (casually and without ill intent) asked her about her college classes. She immediately exploded and started yelling about how it was none of my mom's business and about how she was sure that my mom brought it up to embarrass her because she somehow knew that she wasn't doing well. It was a paranoid, violent rant. And previously, I may have tried to pacify her, or argue with her and show her how unreasonable she was being. That doesn't work with someone that has a mood disorder. So without emotion, I just calmly said, "Sounds like this is a sensitive subject and it seems like you could use some space right now. I think Mom and I are going to go in the kitchen to get dessert together." And just walked out of the room with my mom. Sister left in a huge huff and texted me (and my mom) some very aggressive things throughout the night (trying to start an argument and seeking support as to how my mom was supposedly being unreasonable) which we just didn't respond to. No argument, no engagement, just radio silence.

By the next morning, my sister had calmed down and left both me and my mom voicemails about how she was sorry that she had an outburst and that she's really upset about her grades right now. We both just said something along the lines of "Totally get that it's a tough subject and that you had hurt feelings. It's not OK to talk to us like that. But we're family and we're moving on." That was it.

Since we've started using this method, the number and intensity of emotional outbursts has dwindled quite a bit. It still happens (again, because she's not on any mood stabilizers and clearly has a chemical imbalance that makes it difficult to regulate her emotional response) but it's much less severe than it used to be.

Best advice; you can't control someone else's reactions and behaviors but you can control your own. Don't let their behavior change yours. Don't rise to the bait and engage. It just fuels the fire and isn't productive. There's a reason that people exhibit "unstable, insecure, and mean" behaviors. If it's not mental illness, there could be underlying trauma or that person could just be a jerk. You get to choose how you react and ultimately, what your relationship is like with that person. [/quote]

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