Minimum salary for spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

I did marry a GS-13. But OP is talking about someone with extremely high earning potential choosing not to pursue making that money. Teachers, nurses, most gov't workers don't fit that bill.

It's all well and good to say you don't care about money when loads of money was never an option.

i still think it is fine. my husband has a high earning potential (two degrees from MIT and a truly brilliant person) and he chooses to work at a non-profit and I don't care at all. if i want our HHI to be higher what is stopping me from working harder or at a more lucrative job? We all have one life to live -- I don't think you get to dictate what your spouse does. If you want more money, make more money.

What does "it is fine" mean in this context? OP is explicitly asking for a minimum salary. So what's fine? Would you be fine if your husband's non-profit salary was $30k? What if it was $30k for 60-hour work weeks? What if that meant you were trapped in a lucrative job that was killing you with stress? Still cool?

Everyone has a minimum, and it's not shallow or evil or whatever you're angling at to admit it. Before you try to put me the wrong box again - I make ~$500k which is 3xs my DH. I can and do make more money. We all have one life to live and spouses have chosen to live it together. If one wants to quit their job on a whim for a passion project, the other gets an opinion.

The context of this question is that the OP is a husband with a similar salary as mine does and his wife works way less or maybe nothing but expects him to make more to fund her life. That doesn't feel right to me, and in fact is not how I chose to view my husband and his life. I'm lucky to be married to him and not in the marriage for his salary!

OP here. My wife is not sitting around doing nothing and expecting me to fund. She’s a lawyer. Law is very all or nothing. Full-time jobs with benefits often require brutal hours (and not just at law firms). Part-time gigs are illusory and often just mean less money for same work and stress. Contract gigs are scary with no stability. Take too much time off and the legal profession frowns on you. Not all practice areas transfer easily to government. If my salary was much higher, that could help right now and give her flexibility we need. I feel incredibly guilty about that. In fairness to me, she wasn’t in this current role when I transitioned, and she landed in it quite unexpectedly. She’s riding an amazing, lucrative career rocket, but in her heart doesn’t want it. She feels trapped, and seeing me in my job with balance is causing resentment. Anyway, I mean it this time, not sharing any more. Every issue connects to another, and it would take too long to detail everything and give context. I just felt the need to defend her. She’s a good person, and I have made mistakes too.

[Anonymous]

Pick the hot wife over fat with money any day. Fat gross overworked women are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick the hot wife over fat with money any day. Fat gross overworked women are the worst.

worst for wanting to give her family a great life?

[Anonymous]

After baby #2 my high stress job, which required a lot of travel, was too much for me but I wanted to work. I started my own consulting gig with the first goal just to cover childcare and business expenses such as office rent. My husband was fine with that as he was doing well and wanted me to be happy. We had been big savers so the only real cost was less savings. But I ended up doing very well financially. After about ten years of consulting I “retired” to run a substance abuse non profit for very little pay but it was something I had a passion for. Again, my husband didn’t blink about me making very little. If early on I had wanted to be a SAHM he would have been fine with that too. The key was that we were always big savers which gave us flexibility.

[Anonymous]

The thing you're missing OP is that with your $165K she can do anything (or SAHM) that she wants. Literally nothing to feel guilty about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick the hot wife over fat with money any day. Fat gross overworked women are the worst.

worst for wanting to give her family a great life?

Not PP but I have to agree with him. I’ll take my hot wife who doesn’t make a lot over an unattractive and overworked lawyer woman any day. Plus she gives some mean head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could give two shits. I made lucky investments in my 20's and now money isn't a concern. It's funny though, now that I have money and can cover the main things in life, I have realized how meaningless money and material stuff is beyond that.

It's getting "beyond that" that is the key - or problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

I did marry a GS-13. But OP is talking about someone with extremely high earning potential choosing not to pursue making that money. Teachers, nurses, most gov't workers don't fit that bill.

It's all well and good to say you don't care about money when loads of money was never an option.

i still think it is fine. my husband has a high earning potential (two degrees from MIT and a truly brilliant person) and he chooses to work at a non-profit and I don't care at all. if i want our HHI to be higher what is stopping me from working harder or at a more lucrative job? We all have one life to live -- I don't think you get to dictate what your spouse does. If you want more money, make more money.

What does "it is fine" mean in this context? OP is explicitly asking for a minimum salary. So what's fine? Would you be fine if your husband's non-profit salary was $30k? What if it was $30k for 60-hour work weeks? What if that meant you were trapped in a lucrative job that was killing you with stress? Still cool?

Everyone has a minimum, and it's not shallow or evil or whatever you're angling at to admit it. Before you try to put me the wrong box again - I make ~$500k which is 3xs my DH. I can and do make more money. We all have one life to live and spouses have chosen to live it together. If one wants to quit their job on a whim for a passion project, the other gets an opinion.

The context of this question is that the OP is a husband with a similar salary as mine does and his wife works way less or maybe nothing but expects him to make more to fund her life. That doesn't feel right to me, and in fact is not how I chose to view my husband and his life. I'm lucky to be married to him and not in the marriage for his salary!

OP here. My wife is not sitting around doing nothing and expecting me to fund. She’s a lawyer. Law is very all or nothing. Full-time jobs with benefits often require brutal hours (and not just at law firms). Part-time gigs are illusory and often just mean less money for same work and stress. Contract gigs are scary with no stability. Take too much time off and the legal profession frowns on you. Not all practice areas transfer easily to government. If my salary was much higher, that could help right now and give her flexibility we need. I feel incredibly guilty about that. In fairness to me, she wasn’t in this current role when I transitioned, and she landed in it quite unexpectedly. She’s riding an amazing, lucrative career rocket, but in her heart doesn’t want it. She feels trapped, and seeing me in my job with balance is causing resentment. Anyway, I mean it this time, not sharing any more. Every issue connects to another, and it would take too long to detail everything and give context. I just felt the need to defend her. She’s a good person, and I have made mistakes too.

OP:

There are ways to have a great legal career but find balance. They may, however, involve a substantial paycut. Like:

60 hpw = $750k (non-rainmaker partner at non-top tier firm)
50 hpw = $350k (in-house counsel)
40 hpw = $160k (gov't)
30 hpw = $75k (part-time non-profit)

There are options, the issue is the difference in scale can be dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$75k, assuming I also make $75k. I'd never expect a spouse to make more than me.

+1. $75K is the minimum number for me at this point (we are both 40). I think it would be about $50K if I was in my 20s.

Yikes. $75k is what I made at 25. 50-year old woman

Minimum $150k.

Really? In 1994?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be happy with almost anything. DH hasn't worked for 8 years, which was his choice and not something I agreed with.

You pay for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick the hot wife over fat with money any day. Fat gross overworked women are the worst.

worst for wanting to give her family a great life?

Not PP but I have to agree with him. I’ll take my hot wife who doesn’t make a lot over an unattractive and overworked lawyer woman any day. Plus she gives some mean head.

Or you could have married a hot woman who makes a lot of money and gives great head, if you were good enough to attract one.

[Anonymous]

OP, your wife should expand her horizons a bit. My agency hires all kinds of lawyers. You start as an 11, but are up to 14 in a few years. We're hiring right now.

[Anonymous]

What do you think would make your wife happy? Does she want you to go back to corporate law? Does she want to stay at home for a few years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I honestly meant for this to be an abstract question for discussion purposes, and not a dissection of my family’s situation, which is complicated and something I don’t feel like getting into.

I’ll share that I am the DH, and left biglaw litigation after only a few years for a GS-14/15 gig. I make a little less than 165k now (less when I transitioned). It wasn’t just the hours and mental exhaustion; it was feeling like a fish out of water, hating litigation and the acrimony, not aspiring to be a partner at all. Missed my wife and friends dearly when I was chained to desk or travel. Only times I felt happy was when work was light enough to be manageable, but not so light that I worried about hours.

But that transition has caused friction within my marriage, in some aspects justifiably so. It’s hard sometimes to balance your responsibilities to provide and be a good spouse with not feeling dead inside, and that’s something I struggle with a lot.

I hope this gives you a little validation OP — I wish my DH was like you. Stayed in a high demand job for years and we hardly saw him — when we did he did not contribute anything whether chores or parenting or quality time. Years of resentment and feeling alone on my part.

Has your spouse ever actually said “I wish you made more money” or “I wish you hadn’t left so our income could be higher” etc? It’s possible that you are interpreting this as friction from a lower income (perhaps projecting your insecurities about your lower income onto her) while for her it may actually be that after years of your intense amount of work she is dealing with some resentment and/or challenges being around you more.

OP here. Yes, she has. She used to be super career oriented, but had an epiphany of sorts that she wanted to take time off and/or be part-time to be with kids, and my decision complicated that. Our issues stem from severe lack of communication and life/financial planning, and I bear some responsibility for that. My wife’s resentment isn’t without justification, but sometimes I think I’ve allowed myself to feel too apologetic or ashamed of my choice. Again, I realize none of this makes sense without more detail. But I appreciate the validation —- when i see the wives of my partner friends going to yoga at 12 pm and going to spa and working out and not having financial worries, I feel like I failed my wife. It’s easy to forget that life isn’t rosy being married to a law firm partner, even with all the financial benefits.

How involved are you with the kids and housework?

It’s one thing if you quit BigLaw because you want to contribute equally in the home and spend time with your kids. It’s another of you quit because you want to tinker in the garage or watch YouTube videos all day.

This is what I’m wondering. I make $250K+ in business and do 90-95% of all kid, life, and household related things, because DH is in big law. It’s fine, because he’s genuinely much busier with work and because of the money...but if he made considerably less but wasn’t at least doing 50/50 with household/kid stuff, I would have an issue too.

[Anonymous]

I make $225K in a highly secure position with great benefits. DH worked for 2 decades in a good job while I was studying for medicine. As my career took off, my husband gradually scaled back and quit. He does most of the household chores and takes care of the children. If the roles were reversed I would be very happy if I was able to do 80% of what he does.

I feel blessed.