Minimum salary for spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I honestly meant for this to be an abstract question for discussion purposes, and not a dissection of my family’s situation, which is complicated and something I don’t feel like getting into.

I’ll share that I am the DH, and left biglaw litigation after only a few years for a GS-14/15 gig. I make a little less than 165k now (less when I transitioned). It wasn’t just the hours and mental exhaustion; it was feeling like a fish out of water, hating litigation and the acrimony, not aspiring to be a partner at all. Missed my wife and friends dearly when I was chained to desk or travel. Only times I felt happy was when work was light enough to be manageable, but not so light that I worried about hours.

But that transition has caused friction within my marriage, in some aspects justifiably so. It’s hard sometimes to balance your responsibilities to provide and be a good spouse with not feeling dead inside, and that’s something I struggle with a lot.

I hope this gives you a little validation OP — I wish my DH was like you. Stayed in a high demand job for years and we hardly saw him — when we did he did not contribute anything whether chores or parenting or quality time. Years of resentment and feeling alone on my part.

Has your spouse ever actually said “I wish you made more money” or “I wish you hadn’t left so our income could be higher” etc? It’s possible that you are interpreting this as friction from a lower income (perhaps projecting your insecurities about your lower income onto her) while for her it may actually be that after years of your intense amount of work she is dealing with some resentment and/or challenges being around you more.

OP here. Yes, she has. She used to be super career oriented, but had an epiphany of sorts that she wanted to take time off and/or be part-time to be with kids, and my decision complicated that. Our issues stem from severe lack of communication and life/financial planning, and I bear some responsibility for that. My wife’s resentment isn’t without justification, but sometimes I think I’ve allowed myself to feel too apologetic or ashamed of my choice. Again, I realize none of this makes sense without more detail. But I appreciate the validation —- when i see the wives of my partner friends going to yoga at 12 pm and going to spa and working out and not having financial worries, I feel like I failed my wife. It’s easy to forget that life isn’t rosy being married to a law firm partner, even with all the financial benefits.

What on earth. You are doing just fine. My husband has a similar salary bc he chooses to work in a non profit and i have never once wished that he had a higher salary in order to fund my yoga classes or spa days. If I want those things why don't I get a job to pay for them?

Granted, we did have a few lucky breaks with money (bought a 4 bedroom in DC for 400,000 ten years ago) and we have share a love a freedom and distaste for cars and neither of us have student loans. So we don't argue about big ticket items. But if she wants to have a part-time job kind of life and also spend on luxury pastimes she can figure out how to pay for them.

[Anonymous]

300k minimum.

[Anonymous]

Minimum $225 (what my husband made when we met). Now he makes $300K. I would still like him to make more, but I also expect that I will make more. In the 4.5 years since we've met my salary has increased by $40K (to $135K) and his by $75K, but I've had two pregnancies and he hasn't. We also work in different industries and he's a little older than me.

We split all household tasks 50/50. He actually has a much better work schedule than I do, but pre-COVID I was in a role that allowed me to WFH full-time. Post-COVID my husband's work is doing a hybrid model, but he'd prefer to work from home full-time and go into the office only as needed.

[Anonymous]

PP. My role allows me to work from home full-time post-COVID too. I wrote it the way that I did, because it's just not as novel anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$150k

+1

It is very difficult to have a middle class lifestyle for a family of 4 at this level.

I really struggled as a single parent with one at home at $90k. I think someone calculated that it took at least $70k for a single parent and one child to make a modest lifestyle where I live. That was for a two bedroom apartment and daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$150k

+1

It is very difficult to have a middle class lifestyle for a family of 4 at this level.

I really struggled as a single parent with one at home at $90k. I think someone calculated that it took at least $70k for a single parent and one child to make a modest lifestyle where I live. That was for a two bedroom apartment and daycare.

A family a four can live on $150k. We do it. I took care of the kids so no child are costs.

[Anonymous]

$0

[Anonymous]

I would give up all the mid-day yoga and lunches and vacations for my husband to leave biglaw and go in house. The grass isn’t always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$150k

+1

It is very difficult to have a middle class lifestyle for a family of 4 at this level.

I really struggled as a single parent with one at home at $90k. I think someone calculated that it took at least $70k for a single parent and one child to make a modest lifestyle where I live. That was for a two bedroom apartment and daycare.

Well sure but I work and make more than double that. If my husband only brought home $150k that would be fine, as long as he did all the emotional labor stuff I do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw sucks a giant sack of balls, I wouldn't feel bad about bailing on that. Presumably you either paid off school loans or saved a substantial amount during that time. In any event, $165K is a respectable salary and if she has issues with that she has a spending problem. She could be a SAHM on that salary too.

This.

Does your wife want to be SAHM? It's not for everyone, can be boring/purposeless once kids go to school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I honestly meant for this to be an abstract question for discussion purposes, and not a dissection of my family’s situation, which is complicated and something I don’t feel like getting into.

I’ll share that I am the DH, and left biglaw litigation after only a few years for a GS-14/15 gig. I make a little less than 165k now (less when I transitioned). It wasn’t just the hours and mental exhaustion; it was feeling like a fish out of water, hating litigation and the acrimony, not aspiring to be a partner at all. Missed my wife and friends dearly when I was chained to desk or travel. Only times I felt happy was when work was light enough to be manageable, but not so light that I worried about hours.

But that transition has caused friction within my marriage, in some aspects justifiably so. It’s hard sometimes to balance your responsibilities to provide and be a good spouse with not feeling dead inside, and that’s something I struggle with a lot.

OP, I feel your pain. The money isn't worth it if you're miserable. I left a law job at a larger firm to start my own business. I went from making same as my spouse to making $0 initially. DH became sole provider and had to help me pay my law school loans (he had no school loans). We lived in a small townhome and had no money for any extras - and I mean that. I remember lying to people about why we didn't have time for vacation or like the pool because I didn't want to say that we couldn't pay for those things. Overall, DH helped pick up my slack for a few years until I finally came through in my new business. I'm now the bigger earner in the household (10 years later) and write him checks for the side projects that he wants to do.

The point of this is that the money between you should be fluid. I know not many people agree with me but that support and understanding early on from my DH when I made no money and was ALL DEBT changed our trajectory. It helped me become a better parent, attorney and spouse. And I make more money now to make up for it.

Hopefully you and your spouse can work something out because you're in it for the long haul. Try to figure out what's in you and your family's best interest overall and create a support system for bigger picture needs.

Not sure if that helps but I understand why you left. Hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What my husband and I worked out is that as long as our HHI is ~$150-175k, we don't have to change anything about our lifestyle. Neither of us cares which of us makes more. For a lot of years, he was making $85k and I was making $65k. For the last 4 years, he's been making $180k and I've been making $80k. We used my income to pay down debt and now that the debt is gone, we bank it.

DH is transitioning to a different job and is taking what is essentially a 50% paycut. He is mommy tracking himself and taking over the household stuff that I do now, including the emotional labor of kid appts/grocery shopping/camp/new sizes of clothes/etc. Our plan is for me to scale up as he scales back, which is easy and common in both of our fields.

What are your fields?

[Anonymous]

I could give two shits. I made lucky investments in my 20's and now money isn't a concern. It's funny though, now that I have money and can cover the main things in life, I have realized how meaningless money and material stuff is beyond that.

[Anonymous]

I only make about 55K per year. I freelance, so it varies. My net worth is about 1 million.
I don't think I'd marry someone who has less than I do, whether that was from income or equity or a combination.

[Anonymous]

...my DH has a job he kinda hates and makes all of $105k. I was making $50k and was extremely unhappy and quit. We are fine at $155k though, and this is in DC, with a kid, not a ton of savings. He would love to go into the field he's passionate about, and I'd love for him to be in it. I'd say he could make $75k, maybe less (plus decent benefits), and I could get another job ASAP and we would be SO SO HAPPY. We could make $100-125k HHI work, especially if we were that fulfilled and happy.