Minimum salary for spouse

[Anonymous]

I'd be happy with almost anything. DH hasn't worked for 8 years, which was his choice and not something I agreed with.

[Anonymous]

This is not a red line.

You married someone with a certain training/profession. That sets a salary range already.

They they applied for a job. Presumably you had a discussion about what all aspects of that job would mean for your family.

I don't think you get to micromanage your spouse's life every step of the way, especially around whether it is affording you the lifestyle you would want. They are not your meal ticket.

Dont underestimate the value of having a happy and fulfilled dad and husband. He may be modelling healthy values, and you may be materialistic or status-driven. Consider that.

[Anonymous]

He is pursuing his dream. No one is stopping you from pursuing yours.

But you don't get to co=opt his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

Welcome to DCUM. Then these same idiots will post threads about their sexless marriages and advice on "first steps to divorce"

EXACTLY. If there is a salary minimum in marriage, it's going to be a miserable one. I'm not discounting the need for income but perhaps a partner that is intelligent, savvy, driven, hardworking, caring, helpful, resourceful, supportive, etc. is significantly more important than a salary threshold. Plus, your salary level early in your career does not accurately reflect your earning potential later on down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

I did marry a GS-13. But OP is talking about someone with extremely high earning potential choosing not to pursue making that money. Teachers, nurses, most gov't workers don't fit that bill.

It's all well and good to say you don't care about money when loads of money was never an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

Welcome to DCUM. Then these same idiots will post threads about their sexless marriages and advice on "first steps to divorce"

EXACTLY. If there is a salary minimum in marriage, it's going to be a miserable one. I'm not discounting the need for income but perhaps a partner that is intelligent, savvy, driven, hardworking, caring, helpful, resourceful, supportive, etc. is significantly more important than a salary threshold. Plus, your salary level early in your career does not accurately reflect your earning potential later on down the road.

We have a mortgage and also send our kids to private school at spouse’s insistence. So now yes, spouse now needs to bring in a certain amount of money. Not a miserable marriage at all but I am a pragmatic person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

I did marry a GS-13. But OP is talking about someone with extremely high earning potential choosing not to pursue making that money. Teachers, nurses, most gov't workers don't fit that bill.

It's all well and good to say you don't care about money when loads of money was never an option.

i still think it is fine. my husband has a high earning potential (two degrees from MIT and a truly brilliant person) and he chooses to work at a non-profit and I don't care at all. if i want our HHI to be higher what is stopping me from working harder or at a more lucrative job? We all have one life to live -- I don't think you get to dictate what your spouse does. If you want more money, make more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

Oh come on. My sis in law is a doctor working a crazy schedule during her residency, including night shifts. My brother cares for the kids, jeeps the house clean, and makes dinner every night and works remotely doing IT. If my sis in law was married to someone who worked her same schedule they'd need to hire like 3 different people.

Women are the primary breadwinner in a lot of households. Let's cut the sexism.

Honey, it’s realism, not sexism.

A real man has to earn bank.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a constant negotiation.

I married a military officer and for the first 12 years of our marriage I made substantially more. His retirement benefits are huge though. We weren’t sure if he would be career, so he studied at night to get his PhD in a technical field. At that point the civilian salaries available were much higher. But he loves his service. So we stuck it out with the idea that when he retired I would step back from my intense and travel-heavy job. With each assignment cycle (3years) we had to evaluate our choices.

With COVID my job disappeared, so I am changing careers a bit sooner than expected. We are fortunate that we saved aggressively early so our retirement is on track. This has also allowed me to focus more on our kids’ educations at a time when we realized how bad their public education has really been.

We haven’t set dollar figures, we evaluate against long-term goals. At this point we won’t be getting that vacation home- which was a long shot in any case. But the kids’ college funds should be ok by the time they need them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I honestly meant for this to be an abstract question for discussion purposes, and not a dissection of my family’s situation, which is complicated and something I don’t feel like getting into.

I’ll share that I am the DH, and left biglaw litigation after only a few years for a GS-14/15 gig. I make a little less than 165k now (less when I transitioned). It wasn’t just the hours and mental exhaustion; it was feeling like a fish out of water, hating litigation and the acrimony, not aspiring to be a partner at all. Missed my wife and friends dearly when I was chained to desk or travel. Only times I felt happy was when work was light enough to be manageable, but not so light that I worried about hours.

But that transition has caused friction within my marriage, in some aspects justifiably so. It’s hard sometimes to balance your responsibilities to provide and be a good spouse with not feeling dead inside, and that’s something I struggle with a lot.

My husband did something similar. Money can be tight but I never fault him for leaving his high paying consulting job because it was a lot of high stress and frequent travel. Not something I could have personally handled so didn’t think it is fair that I force him to do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here is so narrow minded and petty. It’s really unbelievable. It’s as if all anyone thinks life is about is amassing millions so you can live comfortably comfortably when you’re old and broken.

I care so much more deeply about who someone is as a person, and how they approach life, that I think this question is just fundamentally stupid.

Sure, I probably wouldn’t want to be with someone making 20 K, but I still think this is just a really stupid question.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

I did marry a GS-13. But OP is talking about someone with extremely high earning potential choosing not to pursue making that money. Teachers, nurses, most gov't workers don't fit that bill.

It's all well and good to say you don't care about money when loads of money was never an option.

i still think it is fine. my husband has a high earning potential (two degrees from MIT and a truly brilliant person) and he chooses to work at a non-profit and I don't care at all. if i want our HHI to be higher what is stopping me from working harder or at a more lucrative job? We all have one life to live -- I don't think you get to dictate what your spouse does. If you want more money, make more money.

What does "it is fine" mean in this context? OP is explicitly asking for a minimum salary. So what's fine? Would you be fine if your husband's non-profit salary was $30k? What if it was $30k for 60-hour work weeks? What if that meant you were trapped in a lucrative job that was killing you with stress? Still cool?

Everyone has a minimum, and it's not shallow or evil or whatever you're angling at to admit it. Before you try to put me the wrong box again - I make ~$500k which is 3xs my DH. I can and do make more money. We all have one life to live and spouses have chosen to live it together. If one wants to quit their job on a whim for a passion project, the other gets an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

Oh come on. My sis in law is a doctor working a crazy schedule during her residency, including night shifts. My brother cares for the kids, jeeps the house clean, and makes dinner every night and works remotely doing IT. If my sis in law was married to someone who worked her same schedule they'd need to hire like 3 different people.

Women are the primary breadwinner in a lot of households. Let's cut the sexism.

Honey, it’s realism, not sexism.

A real man has to earn bank.

So true!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

I did marry a GS-13. But OP is talking about someone with extremely high earning potential choosing not to pursue making that money. Teachers, nurses, most gov't workers don't fit that bill.

It's all well and good to say you don't care about money when loads of money was never an option.

i still think it is fine. my husband has a high earning potential (two degrees from MIT and a truly brilliant person) and he chooses to work at a non-profit and I don't care at all. if i want our HHI to be higher what is stopping me from working harder or at a more lucrative job? We all have one life to live -- I don't think you get to dictate what your spouse does. If you want more money, make more money.

What does "it is fine" mean in this context? OP is explicitly asking for a minimum salary. So what's fine? Would you be fine if your husband's non-profit salary was $30k? What if it was $30k for 60-hour work weeks? What if that meant you were trapped in a lucrative job that was killing you with stress? Still cool?

Everyone has a minimum, and it's not shallow or evil or whatever you're angling at to admit it. Before you try to put me the wrong box again - I make ~$500k which is 3xs my DH. I can and do make more money. We all have one life to live and spouses have chosen to live it together. If one wants to quit their job on a whim for a passion project, the other gets an opinion.

The context of this question is that the OP is a husband with a similar salary as mine does and his wife works way less or maybe nothing but expects him to make more to fund her life. That doesn't feel right to me, and in fact is not how I chose to view my husband and his life. I'm lucky to be married to him and not in the marriage for his salary!

[Anonymous]

$0