Minimum salary for spouse

[Anonymous]

I want my spouse to bring in at least $60k to keep ahead of the bills and she's making about $70k now at a non-profit. I work in construction and make $80k.

We're in our 50s with a couple of kids in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

I would be fine with it IF he had a proven track record of doing more at home than I did and handling more emotional labor than I did. But I’d bet money it’s actually the case that OP’s wife leaned out only after he proved he wouldn’t step up at home and then after she’d restructured her career around his willingness to step up (or lack thereof). Now he is leaning out too but not in support of her, just for his own reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

I would be fine with it IF he had a proven track record of doing more at home than I did and handling more emotional labor than I did. But I’d bet money it’s actually the case that OP’s wife leaned out only after he proved he wouldn’t step up at home and then after she’d restructured her career around his willingness to step up (or lack thereof). Now he is leaning out too but not in support of her, just for his own reasons.

OP here. Thanks for all the responses — it’s been a really interesting read, seeing all the different perspectives. It’s such a central question to life — where money fits into the life equation, where to draw the line between providing a better life for your kids and spouse and staying true to yourself. That’s what I was most interested in. I don’t feel like sharing anymore about my current situation, but I’d caution the above poster about jumping to conclusions based on a couple of paragraphs. My wife’s frustrations have nothing to do with me not stepping up at home, and she’d be the first to tell you that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$75k, assuming I also make $75k. I'd never expect a spouse to make more than me.

+1. $75K is the minimum number for me at this point (we are both 40). I think it would be about $50K if I was in my 20s.

Yikes. $75k is what I made at 25. 50-year old woman

Minimum $150k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I honestly meant for this to be an abstract question for discussion purposes, and not a dissection of my family’s situation, which is complicated and something I don’t feel like getting into.

I’ll share that I am the DH, and left biglaw litigation after only a few years for a GS-14/15 gig. I make a little less than 165k now (less when I transitioned). It wasn’t just the hours and mental exhaustion; it was feeling like a fish out of water, hating litigation and the acrimony, not aspiring to be a partner at all. Missed my wife and friends dearly when I was chained to desk or travel. Only times I felt happy was when work was light enough to be manageable, but not so light that I worried about hours.

But that transition has caused friction within my marriage, in some aspects justifiably so. It’s hard sometimes to balance your responsibilities to provide and be a good spouse with not feeling dead inside, and that’s something I struggle with a lot.

I hope this gives you a little validation OP — I wish my DH was like you. Stayed in a high demand job for years and we hardly saw him — when we did he did not contribute anything whether chores or parenting or quality time. Years of resentment and feeling alone on my part.

Has your spouse ever actually said “I wish you made more money” or “I wish you hadn’t left so our income could be higher” etc? It’s possible that you are interpreting this as friction from a lower income (perhaps projecting your insecurities about your lower income onto her) while for her it may actually be that after years of your intense amount of work she is dealing with some resentment and/or challenges being around you more.

OP here. Yes, she has. She used to be super career oriented, but had an epiphany of sorts that she wanted to take time off and/or be part-time to be with kids, and my decision complicated that. Our issues stem from severe lack of communication and life/financial planning, and I bear some responsibility for that. My wife’s resentment isn’t without justification, but sometimes I think I’ve allowed myself to feel too apologetic or ashamed of my choice. Again, I realize none of this makes sense without more detail. But I appreciate the validation —- when i see the wives of my partner friends going to yoga at 12 pm and going to spa and working out and not having financial worries, I feel like I failed my wife. It’s easy to forget that life isn’t rosy being married to a law firm partner, even with all the financial benefits.

What on earth. You are doing just fine. My husband has a similar salary bc he chooses to work in a non profit and i have never once wished that he had a higher salary in order to fund my yoga classes or spa days. If I want those things why don't I get a job to pay for them?

Granted, we did have a few lucky breaks with money (bought a 4 bedroom in DC for 400,000 ten years ago) and we have share a love a freedom and distaste for cars and neither of us have student loans. So we don't argue about big ticket items. But if she wants to have a part-time job kind of life and also spend on luxury pastimes she can figure out how to pay for them.

This is KEY, at least you’re honest about the breaks. You bought forever ago before the RE prices went crazy and NO student loan debt. I fear for the Zoomer generation with CoL in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

Oh come on. My sis in law is a doctor working a crazy schedule during her residency, including night shifts. My brother cares for the kids, jeeps the house clean, and makes dinner every night and works remotely doing IT. If my sis in law was married to someone who worked her same schedule they'd need to hire like 3 different people.

Women are the primary breadwinner in a lot of households. Let's cut the sexism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$75k, assuming I also make $75k. I'd never expect a spouse to make more than me.

+1. $75K is the minimum number for me at this point (we are both 40). I think it would be about $50K if I was in my 20s.

Yikes. $75k is what I made at 25. 50-year old woman

Minimum $150k.

I'm the PP and I guess I picked $75K because I currently make $170K and my spouse makes about $90K. We have plenty of money and would probably still have plenty of money at $75K.

I will say that, statistically, your salary minimum would limit you if you were ever back in the dating market be it through death or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's context dependent. Assuming we can cover our bills my initial reaction is "whatever that line of work pays in the government at a GS-14/15-equivalent level" because I think that's a reasonable work/life balance job with decent benefits. But the discussion changes if that means the other spouse is trapped in a high-stress job because the first won't work more/aim higher, or if the spouse who wants to have a more leisurely job does the lion's share of kid/house work, or any medical or mental diagnoses are at play, etc.

My husband actually transitioned from a much higher stress and better paying private sector job to a federal GS14 job and we are much happier! He teleworks most days and is able to do school pickup/dropoff and things around the house, has time to work out and eat healthier, etc. I work in medicine so my hours are worse but I love it and make a good salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

Oh come on. My sis in law is a doctor working a crazy schedule during her residency, including night shifts. My brother cares for the kids, jeeps the house clean, and makes dinner every night and works remotely doing IT. If my sis in law was married to someone who worked her same schedule they'd need to hire like 3 different people.

Women are the primary breadwinner in a lot of households. Let's cut the sexism.

As a woman physician with an IT telework husband with a flex schedule, this is so true and becoming more common! Two-doc families often need an au pair plus a nanny or daycare, or have live-in family members to help! There's also an increasing number of stay-home dads when my colleagues have young kiddos

[Anonymous]

My dh makes a little less ($120 to my $160+ bonus). But he is happy with his work, he contributes to society in his way and does more than 50% of house stuff including cleaning, planning and childcare and all finances. My industry and position also has more earning potential but i don't plan on working more than 45 hrs a week since life balance is important to me as well. We have has serious conversations as to when we can scale back and retire and if it goes like I plan to retire/scale back at 55 but if dh get a shot as his dream job (lower pay) then that will hold off for a while.

[Anonymous]

I am in my thirties. I would require 150k at least for a man.

[Anonymous]

So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

Welcome to DCUM. Then these same idiots will post threads about their sexless marriages and advice on "first steps to divorce"

[Anonymous]

The responses are shocking. I’m in nyc and the numbers would be a lot higher! Wow