S/O maximum number of kids to ensure dual working couple

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two and we both have intense jobs but are almost completely in control of our schedules. If you are not in a flexible schedule situation, then even one kid can be a lot.

Once you have kids, though, you truly gain a new perspective. I love my paid job but nothing compares to seeing your own kids grow, learn, develop a sense of humor, discover the world.

This is also our situation. I contemplated a third, but I don’t think it is right for our family. Others have mentioned family help — we have none, no family whatsoever nearby. Most dual working couples I know who have three and are not headed for a divorce or nervous breakdown (usually the mom) have helpful family in town.

The main thing for me is that I want to be present with the two I have. People have different visions of parenting and family life. For me, I love one on one time with my kids where I can listen to them, take long walks, read with them, whatever. I like the dynamic with two at the dinner table — it’s lively and fun, but doesn’t get too harried and frantic. I like that they’ll be able to do any activities they want and one of us will be there to support them. Already with two and a career I feel like they both want more of me than I have at certain times. Another child would just mean everyone got a lot less. I do think most kids need and want to feel special, like they are the center of your world, for quite some time..

If you’re the kind of person who thrives on noise and chaos and a plate that is always overflowing, then I would say you could make three work. That usually means having an au pair or other live in help for several years, so you also have to not mind that. If I didn’t have a job I would go for three and that would be my max. But as my husband pointed out, I like working and it’s good for them to have a happy mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two and we both have intense jobs but are almost completely in control of our schedules. If you are not in a flexible schedule situation, then even one kid can be a lot.

Once you have kids, though, you truly gain a new perspective. I love my paid job but nothing compares to seeing your own kids grow, learn, develop a sense of humor, discover the world.

This is also our situation. I contemplated a third, but I don’t think it is right for our family. Others have mentioned family help — we have none, no family whatsoever nearby. Most dual working couples I know who have three and are not headed for a divorce or nervous breakdown (usually the mom) have helpful family in town.

The main thing for me is that I want to be present with the two I have. People have different visions of parenting and family life. For me, I love one on one time with my kids where I can listen to them, take long walks, read with them, whatever. I like the dynamic with two at the dinner table — it’s lively and fun, but doesn’t get too harried and frantic. I like that they’ll be able to do any activities they want and one of us will be there to support them. Already with two and a career I feel like they both want more of me than I have at certain times. Another child would just mean everyone got a lot less. I do think most kids need and want to feel special, like they are the center of your world, for quite some time..

If you’re the kind of person who thrives on noise and chaos and a plate that is always overflowing, then I would say you could make three work. That usually means having an au pair or other live in help for several years, so you also have to not mind that. If I didn’t have a job I would go for three and that would be my max. But as my husband pointed out, I like working and it’s good for them to have a happy mom

PS I will also say as the kids get older care/parenting is not just the number of hours they need to be fed and watched over. It’s also building a world for them, a community and a family culture. The big families I’ve seen work often have the advantage of a built-in community (like church, or an extended friends and family network) where a lot of those traditions and customs are outsourced. If you plan on doing some of that yourself for whatever reason — minority culture, mixed family, secular, moved away from your hometown, take into consideration that cultivating and maintaining that is a big time commitment in addition to the care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are planning a family but we want to keep working. There seems to be a point at which despite high incomes ( we are a doctor/lawyer couple) it becomes too hard to sustain. What’s the magic number?

Why do you have to decide in advance how many kids you are going to have? Just have one kid and see what you and your spouse's bandwidth is. Then you can go from there.

This. You just won’t know until you have them. DH and I wanted three. I planned to be a working mom and ended up staying home. My first was born premature and has some special needs. She has a challenging personality and multiple weekly therapies. My second is very intense and despite sleep training (many many times, CIO not Ferber) did not sleep through the night reliably until age two.

DH and I don’t like chaos. Our plates are full. We are not adding a third.

[Anonymous]

One.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are planning a family but we want to keep working. There seems to be a point at which despite high incomes ( we are a doctor/lawyer couple) it becomes too hard to sustain. What’s the magic number?

There is no magic number. I know many women who are doing great with 4. But they do have nannies or family help or both. It probably also depends what kind of doctor you or your spouse is. Some doctors have great work life balance once they are done with residency (my friend is an ENT and they all joke it stands for early nights and tennis).