S/O maximum number of kids to ensure dual working couple

[Anonymous]

OP - the best answer is that it depends on what you want most out of life. Also, how well you know yourself and DH and your capabilities and disposition. We both work FT and have 3 (but I would have loved to have more). Yes, it is busy but we enjoy that. DH helps with everything which is key.

For what it is worth we are at a Catholic school and so see many families of 3, 4, and even a few 5+. Most have 2 working parents and most of the volunteers (room parent, coaches, etc) come from working moms/dads. Few SAHMs.

Day care/nanny - whether you have 1 or more someone is going to need to watch DC until school age. Having 1 means less $ and for fewer years than if you need this help spanning 3 DC all 2 years apart). We found that a nanny was less expensive for 3 than most daycares would have been. We were also always able to find an awesome college-aged student to help for after school hours when we needed 1) transportation and 2) 3-5 hours help versus the full time nanny.

Time - Yes, you will have more time to spend with only 1 or 2 DC but as I always remind DC, I gave them the gift of more siblings. So perhaps a little less 1 on 1 time for DC, but more people in their lives also. This can be seen as a +1 or a -1 depending on relationship between siblings.
The time/$ factor also depends on how many activities you want (or DC want) to be involved in as they get older and, of course, where you want them to go to school.

Education - We were able to support parochial education for all 3, but $20-40,000 for HS (and then college) will be a stretch. We would not have been able to afford a $40,000 private for 12+ years. I did not even think of this prior to about 6th grade but private education is a financial burden, albeit choice.

Activities - even with just 3 DC, when all are very active you will learn to love the word 'carpool'. I do plan some of DC activities with other family friends because we can more easily carpool. Not something you can plan on at the age of 2 or 3, but this make life work and work well in the lives of active ES - HS kids and their families. This is one of the things that some families do really well and I was envious of them when our kids first started with sports, dance, etc. Learn early to cultivate relationships for carpooling and you will be all set in this regard. It is rare that DH and I both make a specific game/event but there are few that at least one cant make it. When DC started doing travel sport this changed but that is ok b/c it is a good time for them to learn the world does not revolve only for them. Be warned, these activities also cost more $ than I would ever had thought so time not the only factor depending on HHI.


All this said, there is not a lot of 'me' time or 'couple' time. But we have just 5 more years until they are all out of the house. And the time and attention needed changes as they get older. No longer a mad rush every day, instead we are now at a moderate pace and can see (but do not relish) the finish line.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are planning a family but we want to keep working. There seems to be a point at which despite high incomes ( we are a doctor/lawyer couple) it becomes too hard to sustain. What’s the magic number?

Why do you have to decide in advance how many kids you are going to have? Just have one kid and see what you and your spouse's bandwidth is. Then you can go from there.

[Anonymous]

We have two and we both have intense jobs but are almost completely in control of our schedules. If you are not in a flexible schedule situation, then even one kid can be a lot.

Once you have kids, though, you truly gain a new perspective. I love my paid job but nothing compares to seeing your own kids grow, learn, develop a sense of humor, discover the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two and we both have intense jobs but are almost completely in control of our schedules. If you are not in a flexible schedule situation, then even one kid can be a lot.

Once you have kids, though, you truly gain a new perspective. I love my paid job but nothing compares to seeing your own kids grow, learn, develop a sense of humor, discover the world.

This is kind of the magic right here. If you can have high-paying jobs but also have flexibility, then life is so much easier. You have the money to pay for conveniences (i.e. a nanny is generally less work than daycare because they're doing the laundry, dishes, bottles, etc. for the kids and you're not getting them out of the house every day) and you have the ability to spend the time your kids aren't in school with them (and have free time on the weekends because you're not running around catching up on everything). A friend and I make about the same but she is chained to her desk from at least 7:30-5:30 every day and is counting down the days until she can retire. I'm generally working those same hours but one day a week I leave at 2 to take my kids to an activity, I can take a break if needed to get something done, etc. I'm honestly happy with the idea of working for many more years because I love my job and it doesn't get in the way of my ability to enjoy my life. I'm a lawyer, for what it's worth, but not all female lawyers are in the same boat I am, so it goes beyond just what your and your husband's careers are to what your work life is like. That to me is one of the biggest factors in deciding how many kids you want. My husband's job is similar to mine so we are able to spend a lot of time together with the two of us and together with our kids and we're happy with the two we have.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have 3 kids with no nanny and no outsourcing. We both work from home but stagger our hours and our youngest does part time preschool. I believe we have the ideal scenario for 2 working parents to continue working and maintain a good income. Not every career will lend itself to this, however. I completely realize how lucky we are.

One of us is typically in charge while the other is working. At the moment my office is co-located in our basement with 2 my elementary aged distance learners. My husband has a separate office. We have meals together and can still afford to do sports and other activities as a family.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 kids and a nanny and involved grandmother. We do not do ANY extracurriculars and I feel like we are managing well. Don't get me wrong, it's a total grind, I feel like all I do is housework but it's not overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have 3 kids with no nanny and no outsourcing. We both work from home but stagger our hours and our youngest does part time preschool. I believe we have the ideal scenario for 2 working parents to continue working and maintain a good income. Not every career will lend itself to this, however. I completely realize how lucky we are.

One of us is typically in charge while the other is working. At the moment my office is co-located in our basement with 2 my elementary aged distance learners. My husband has a separate office. We have meals together and can still afford to do sports and other activities as a family.

Different strokes for different folks, but your scenario sounds terrible to me. I like that my husband and I work at the same time while the kids are at school so that we have lots of time together. I would hate to stagger our schedules.

[Anonymous]

I'd say 2 unless you're amazingly talented at time management--then 3. All the families that I know of with more than 2 kids have either a SAHP or a live-in grandparent. But you'll get a better picture of how many kids you can handle once you have your first.

[Anonymous]

We had three but we had a nannies until the youngest was eight. My job had a lot of flexibility which was a real bonus. When my youngest was nine I went to PT so I could be much closer to them as they were spreading their wings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - the best answer is that it depends on what you want most out of life. Also, how well you know yourself and DH and your capabilities and disposition. We both work FT and have 3 (but I would have loved to have more). Yes, it is busy but we enjoy that. DH helps with everything which is key.

For what it is worth we are at a Catholic school and so see many families of 3, 4, and even a few 5+. Most have 2 working parents and most of the volunteers (room parent, coaches, etc) come from working moms/dads. Few SAHMs.

Day care/nanny - whether you have 1 or more someone is going to need to watch DC until school age. Having 1 means less $ and for fewer years than if you need this help spanning 3 DC all 2 years apart). We found that a nanny was less expensive for 3 than most daycares would have been. We were also always able to find an awesome college-aged student to help for after school hours when we needed 1) transportation and 2) 3-5 hours help versus the full time nanny.

Time - Yes, you will have more time to spend with only 1 or 2 DC but as I always remind DC, I gave them the gift of more siblings. So perhaps a little less 1 on 1 time for DC, but more people in their lives also. This can be seen as a +1 or a -1 depending on relationship between siblings.
The time/$ factor also depends on how many activities you want (or DC want) to be involved in as they get older and, of course, where you want them to go to school.

Education - We were able to support parochial education for all 3, but $20-40,000 for HS (and then college) will be a stretch. We would not have been able to afford a $40,000 private for 12+ years. I did not even think of this prior to about 6th grade but private education is a financial burden, albeit choice.

Activities - even with just 3 DC, when all are very active you will learn to love the word 'carpool'. I do plan some of DC activities with other family friends because we can more easily carpool. Not something you can plan on at the age of 2 or 3, but this make life work and work well in the lives of active ES - HS kids and their families. This is one of the things that some families do really well and I was envious of them when our kids first started with sports, dance, etc. Learn early to cultivate relationships for carpooling and you will be all set in this regard. It is rare that DH and I both make a specific game/event but there are few that at least one cant make it. When DC started doing travel sport this changed but that is ok b/c it is a good time for them to learn the world does not revolve only for them. Be warned, these activities also cost more $ than I would ever had thought so time not the only factor depending on HHI.


All this said, there is not a lot of 'me' time or 'couple' time. But we have just 5 more years until they are all out of the house. And the time and attention needed changes as they get older. No longer a mad rush every day, instead we are now at a moderate pace and can see (but do not relish) the finish line.

Good luck!

A sibling is not a gift. And they don’t replace parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - the best answer is that it depends on what you want most out of life. Also, how well you know yourself and DH and your capabilities and disposition. We both work FT and have 3 (but I would have loved to have more). Yes, it is busy but we enjoy that. DH helps with everything which is key.

For what it is worth we are at a Catholic school and so see many families of 3, 4, and even a few 5+. Most have 2 working parents and most of the volunteers (room parent, coaches, etc) come from working moms/dads. Few SAHMs.

Day care/nanny - whether you have 1 or more someone is going to need to watch DC until school age. Having 1 means less $ and for fewer years than if you need this help spanning 3 DC all 2 years apart). We found that a nanny was less expensive for 3 than most daycares would have been. We were also always able to find an awesome college-aged student to help for after school hours when we needed 1) transportation and 2) 3-5 hours help versus the full time nanny.

Time - Yes, you will have more time to spend with only 1 or 2 DC but as I always remind DC, I gave them the gift of more siblings. So perhaps a little less 1 on 1 time for DC, but more people in their lives also. This can be seen as a +1 or a -1 depending on relationship between siblings.
The time/$ factor also depends on how many activities you want (or DC want) to be involved in as they get older and, of course, where you want them to go to school.

Education - We were able to support parochial education for all 3, but $20-40,000 for HS (and then college) will be a stretch. We would not have been able to afford a $40,000 private for 12+ years. I did not even think of this prior to about 6th grade but private education is a financial burden, albeit choice.

Activities - even with just 3 DC, when all are very active you will learn to love the word 'carpool'. I do plan some of DC activities with other family friends because we can more easily carpool. Not something you can plan on at the age of 2 or 3, but this make life work and work well in the lives of active ES - HS kids and their families. This is one of the things that some families do really well and I was envious of them when our kids first started with sports, dance, etc. Learn early to cultivate relationships for carpooling and you will be all set in this regard. It is rare that DH and I both make a specific game/event but there are few that at least one cant make it. When DC started doing travel sport this changed but that is ok b/c it is a good time for them to learn the world does not revolve only for them. Be warned, these activities also cost more $ than I would ever had thought so time not the only factor depending on HHI.


All this said, there is not a lot of 'me' time or 'couple' time. But we have just 5 more years until they are all out of the house. And the time and attention needed changes as they get older. No longer a mad rush every day, instead we are now at a moderate pace and can see (but do not relish) the finish line.

Good luck!

So, you aren’t parenting them and rely on others. You realize we only take your kids because we know you neglect your kids and we feel sorry for them. It’s not carpooling when you don’t drive equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the best answer is that it depends on what you want most out of life. Also, how well you know yourself and DH and your capabilities and disposition. We both work FT and have 3 (but I would have loved to have more). Yes, it is busy but we enjoy that. DH helps with everything which is key.

For what it is worth we are at a Catholic school and so see many families of 3, 4, and even a few 5+. Most have 2 working parents and most of the volunteers (room parent, coaches, etc) come from working moms/dads. Few SAHMs.

Day care/nanny - whether you have 1 or more someone is going to need to watch DC until school age. Having 1 means less $ and for fewer years than if you need this help spanning 3 DC all 2 years apart). We found that a nanny was less expensive for 3 than most daycares would have been. We were also always able to find an awesome college-aged student to help for after school hours when we needed 1) transportation and 2) 3-5 hours help versus the full time nanny.

Time - Yes, you will have more time to spend with only 1 or 2 DC but as I always remind DC, I gave them the gift of more siblings. So perhaps a little less 1 on 1 time for DC, but more people in their lives also. This can be seen as a +1 or a -1 depending on relationship between siblings.
The time/$ factor also depends on how many activities you want (or DC want) to be involved in as they get older and, of course, where you want them to go to school.

Education - We were able to support parochial education for all 3, but $20-40,000 for HS (and then college) will be a stretch. We would not have been able to afford a $40,000 private for 12+ years. I did not even think of this prior to about 6th grade but private education is a financial burden, albeit choice.

Activities - even with just 3 DC, when all are very active you will learn to love the word 'carpool'. I do plan some of DC activities with other family friends because we can more easily carpool. Not something you can plan on at the age of 2 or 3, but this make life work and work well in the lives of active ES - HS kids and their families. This is one of the things that some families do really well and I was envious of them when our kids first started with sports, dance, etc. Learn early to cultivate relationships for carpooling and you will be all set in this regard. It is rare that DH and I both make a specific game/event but there are few that at least one cant make it. When DC started doing travel sport this changed but that is ok b/c it is a good time for them to learn the world does not revolve only for them. Be warned, these activities also cost more $ than I would ever had thought so time not the only factor depending on HHI.


All this said, there is not a lot of 'me' time or 'couple' time. But we have just 5 more years until they are all out of the house. And the time and attention needed changes as they get older. No longer a mad rush every day, instead we are now at a moderate pace and can see (but do not relish) the finish line.

Good luck!

So, you aren’t parenting them and rely on others. You realize we only take your kids because we know you neglect your kids and we feel sorry for them. It’s not carpooling when you don’t drive equally.

+1. PP sounds like the typical religious type. Don’t plan for shit because God will provide aka we will burden everyone with our choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree two is your sweet spot. On thing I would think HARD about is on work flexibility. Do you both have it? This is key if you want to keep one of you from becoming a SAHP.

If one of you has a very demanding job with little flexibility, and the other has flexibility, there will be a lot of pressure on the flexible parent. Depending on the job and the personality, this might be okay, but it is a lot to be the primary parent and hold down a full time job. Especially if the spouse is never around due to long hours, demanding clients, work travel, or all of the above. Even with a nanny (the nanny will need to be managed as well) and other help. Maybe a very supportive family member could make it work, but this is rare.

Meanwhile, if you both have very demanding jobs, you may be constantly at war with each other. Nanny can accommodate the day to day, but what about all the one off stuff? The violently ill kid? The last minute work trip? The death in the family? This stuff comes up all the time, especially once you both hit 40 and your careers are in a specific place and your life is in a specific place. The pressure for one of you to scale back will be intense unless, again, you have a close family member who can offer intense support. Again, rare.

And finally, how do you each feel about your jobs? Do you love them? Because the more kids you have, the more stressed you'll be. And while being a SAHP has some very well-known drawbacks, it can start to look very appealing if you hate your job, you miss your kids, and your spouse makes enough money for you to technically live on.

Anyway, I would be prepared for some middle ground options. For instance, I took a year off for maternity leave, and then worked part time for three years, and then went to full time. My career took a knock, as did our finances, but it got us to the place we wanted to be. We originally both wanted to work straight through (and have a second kid). The reality of parenthood changed things. No regrets, but it's not easy.

This post got buried early on, but I think it does a good job of laying out the factors that go into figuring out the right number. My situation is best represented by the bolded, and it can be hard to be the flexible one. DH actually does want to be supportive of my job/career, but it's hard. Usually he's the one with the long hours and long commute, and I'm relieving the nanny and getting dinner together. If I travel or have something late at work, he always says he'll make it work...but just the fact that it's one more thing for me to do to coordinate with him is harder. I usually end up figuring out if nanny can stay late, finding a sitter if she can't, or having to call him to remind him that he needs to leave on time for the kids. You could argue that he should do a better job of being on top of things, but it's out-of-routine for him too. This is just one example of how this type of thing plays out, but I think it's pretty illustrative.

[Anonymous]

I think 2. (We have 3.). Before COVID we always had nannies and had flexible jobs. But are you willing to outsource things like doctor appointments, dental appointments, teacher meetings, school plays, etc. to the nanny? If not, it all just really adds up with three or more kids.

[Anonymous]

We have three and have had a combo of flexible and intense jobs since our first was born. Right now mine is a bit more intense than DH’s.
We have a fantastic nanny. We would not survive without her - one of us would have quit. We have a weekly cleaning lady too.