S/O maximum number of kids to ensure dual working couple

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can know for sure. I had 2 kids. Dual career couple (who saw my kids way more than 30 minutes a day WTF?) and it was fine. Then #3 came along with a life threatening degenerative condition. Needless to say, it didn't work with 2 parents and a kid who was in ICU 1/3 of the year. We ended up taking turns.

But the thing is my 3rd kid would have required a parent at home anyway. In contrast, I know plenty of families with 3 who do just fine.

So, have a kid, adjust see how it's going. Do you feel like you have wiggle room? Do you feel like you want another? If so, have another. Adjust, evaluate. Maybe stop, maybe have a third.

[Anonymous]

We are a lawyer-lawyer couple with three kids. So far, so good. I'm currently expecting our fourth, which will probably also be our last.

My husband has his own practice and has a lot of flexibility. He never works nights or weekends and rarely travels. I was in biglaw for 5 years before going in-house. I do work some nights and weekends and do some travel normally, but my job is a lot better than biglaw. We also have a lot of extended family for support, which not everybody does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a lawyer-lawyer couple with three kids. So far, so good. I'm currently expecting our fourth, which will probably also be our last.

My husband has his own practice and has a lot of flexibility. He never works nights or weekends and rarely travels. I was in biglaw for 5 years before going in-house. I do work some nights and weekends and do some travel normally, but my job is a lot better than biglaw. We also have a lot of extended family for support, which not everybody does.

PP. It helps that none of our kids have any special needs, except for one with ADHD which has been easy enough to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. Not more than 2. One is fine but they do get quite lonely. 2 gives your child an actual family member whom they see on a regular basis. 3 or more is a problem because the small amount of time parents are actually parenting gets further divided up to the point where the children never get time one-on-one with a parent. With two you can regularly do one-on-one because one parent takes Billy to soccer while the other takes Judy to girl scouts on Saturdays.

Note that I make a difference between two-job families and two-career families. If one of you has a flexible job that is never more than 40 hours with little or no travel then it’s more about what you can handle. But if you are a two-career family with both parents working 50+ hours most weeks and taking on travel and weekend work and inflexible hours to pursue career advancement then you really will only see your kids for maybe half an hour total on weekdays and like 3/4 of the weekend (most of these families have a weekend sitter or nanny to cover at least one day). If that limited time and attention gets further divided between multiple kids then they won’t feel they know you at all.

I would agree with this generally. We have three but we’re both feds with pretty stable and flexible hours esp this year with COVID. I used to work in big law and had I stayed and had our third baby I would not have had enough time with the kids individually. I barely do now and I work weekends like once a year before trial.

[Anonymous]

We were two career high income household and we had three children. With the right support it is very doable although often chaotic. But I think it helps if you live in one home for many years and avoid relos which can create disruption.

[Anonymous]

I find this interesting b/c so many families I know with two high earners have 3+ kids and a lot of help...full-time nanny, cleaning service, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally depends on your temperament, how much help you have (like grandparents) or are willing to hire. I know couples managing beautifully with up to four kids but they do have help like an au pair, nannies and grandparents.

+1.

[Anonymous]

We are barely managing with two and no help (other than daycare).

[Anonymous]

With paying money to outsource for cleaning/cooking/grocery shopping, and have live in nanny(s), you can have as many kids if you want if you want a big family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are planning a family but we want to keep working. There seems to be a point at which despite high incomes ( we are a doctor/lawyer couple) it becomes too hard to sustain. What’s the magic number?

2! Dogs that is. Kids? Depends on how mentally tough you are and whether or not you can be super resilient about things in the past. Some moms just don’t want to miss lots of stuff in their kids childhood. Others have more of a long-term overall view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With paying money to outsource for cleaning/cooking/grocery shopping, and have live in nanny(s), you can have as many kids if you want if you want a big family.

This isn’t really true unless you have little interest in spending time with your kids. If you want to go to soccer games, school plays and have time to hang one on one with your kids and work, you are talking two, three kids max.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. Not more than 2. One is fine but they do get quite lonely. 2 gives your child an actual family member whom they see on a regular basis. 3 or more is a problem because the small amount of time parents are actually parenting gets further divided up to the point where the children never get time one-on-one with a parent. With two you can regularly do one-on-one because one parent takes Billy to soccer while the other takes Judy to girl scouts on Saturdays.

Note that I make a difference between two-job families and two-career families. If one of you has a flexible job that is never more than 40 hours with little or no travel then it’s more about what you can handle. But if you are a two-career family with both parents working 50+ hours most weeks and taking on travel and weekend work and inflexible hours to pursue career advancement then you really will only see your kids for maybe half an hour total on weekdays and like 3/4 of the weekend (most of these families have a weekend sitter or nanny to cover at least one day). If that limited time and attention gets further divided between multiple kids then they won’t feel they know you at all.

+1 Nannies know a lot more than they let on usually. And they’re usually on target.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your income and childcare decisions. We didn’t want daycare, so having our first with a caregiver at our home worked well. After our second and third, it made more sense for one us to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amy Coney Barrett and her husband both work with 7 kids.

Didn't they have a family member living with them to help with the kids? Someone like that can make a huge difference. It's basically a SAHP who's not actually a parent.

Yes . An aunt was the full-time mom.

[Anonymous]

We're stopping after 2 with no family help but lots of other help, and flexible schedules so we get "face time" in.