Working women are getting the shaft
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Anonymous
So did Amy Coney Barrett’s husband. |
Anonymous
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DH does the majority of the housework, I would say. The reason is that his mother had bipolar disorder and was barely functional for much of his childhood, plus she actually held a job throughout, so DH saw his dad taking care of basically everything throughout his childhood. It was normal for him so he didn’t give me a hard time.
Women have to start demanding more. That’s it. It probably won’t help you as much as your future daughter-in-law. |
Anonymous
I do all the tax prep and it's a few hours once a year. I easily spend more time than that every week helping the kids with DL and homework. Meanwhile he can't even make sure DS joins all his classes (after I set up two sets of reminders for DH) so then I get to deal with the truancy reports from the school. |
Anonymous
I thought it was her sister that stepped up. |
Anonymous
I'm one of the PPs who responded to you (the Point three, sure PP), and here's the thing. You describe your marriage as "amazing" and say that you "feel awful for everyone else." Why? Do you presume that everyone else who doesn't have a spouse who contributes exactly half is in a god-awful marriage to someone who contributes nothing? I mean, at what division of labor would you choose divorce? What if your husband did roughly 40% of the labor? Or 30%? I understand that your intentions are good. But, please, dial back the pity. It's not supportive or empathic, and it doesn't move anything forward. |
Anonymous
+1. PP sounds so smug and self-congratulatory it’s obvious life hasn’t thrown anything seriously difficult at her yet. Come back to us after 30 years of marriage and having gone through medical crises, financial issues, etc and then we’ll talk PP. |
Anonymous
+1000000000 Corporations and the federal government need to step up, help mold the morals of our country |
Anonymous
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My husband and I are sharing childcare duties while both WFH. We have a very equitable schedule.
Here is what I do when I am watching our 3 year old and my husband works: -Playing with her in her room (like actively playing and talking to her) -Taking her for walks and to the playground -Fixing and saving her snacks and meals -Making sure she goes to the bathroom -Dealing with any meltdowns as they arise -Cleaning/laundry as possible and necessary Here is what he does when he is watching our child and I work: -Playing games on his phone -Looking at Twitter on his phone -Making himself snacks, then getting annoyed when our child asks if she can have some -Getting frustrated with any meltdown or even very brief instance of whining (which happens constantly because she is bored and knows he's not paying attention to her) -Letting our daughter come into my workspace and climb into my lap/yell at me/try to play with me while I work (and he will only come get her if I ask him too, as he is in the other room playing a game on his phone) Technically, we spend the same amount of time "providing childcare" every day. But I am actually parenting whereas he is like the world's shittiest nanny. And, because I am constantly interrupted during my work hours, I'm also constantly working until 2am to finish projects, which means I'm doing all this on 4 hours of sleep, while he's getting 8 hours every night and then complaining about how tired he is. |
Anonymous
PP again. Your first comment to me admonished me for not having empathy and now you're saying I should dial back the pity. It seems like you're requesting a very, very specific emotional response here from me, via message board, which is a very high bar. I'm saying I feel for people whose husbands don't carry their weight, and that must be hard. I'm not sure what more you're asking from me on this. Obviously, given the topic, when I said I "feel awful for everyone else" I mean the people whose spouses (most often husbands, although not exclusively) are not pulling their weight, and who are left to deal with vast majority of the domestic load with very little support. As far as the "why" - it really contributes to my quality of my life that I only do half the cleaning. And that I don't cook a thing, but still get to enjoy delicious home cooked meals. And that I only do half the childcare. I have time for myself. I get enough sleep. I have hobbies. I'm comfortable planning to have a bigger family (as both my husband and I want) knowing I don't have to work myself to the bone to keep it running. I try to be aware of my good fortune, so yes, I do feel for others who wished their marriages were more egalitarian, but are stuck, for whatever reason, doing nearly all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and childcare. Which is the whole theme of this thread - that working women are getting the shaft, particularly right now, and I'm agreeing - that sucks! I also know that when something in my life isn't going well, I find it comforting when other people who aren't experiencing that negative thing, say "damn, I see that you're struggling, and that really sucks, I feel for you." So, there's an element of the Golden Rule in my reaction. I don't at all assume that all marriages where one spouse is doing the majority of the domestic work are miserable - some, I'm sure, are great! Particularly if one spouse brings in more money and works more hours, it makes sense for one person to take on the majority of the household stuff. And some people like, or at least don't mind, housework. Maybe there's an energy/health imbalance. And there's a million other factors - maybe your spouse doesn't carry the domestic load, but has a million other qualities that you adore, and so you're fine with it. More power to you! As far as the division (50/50 vs 40/60 vs 70/30) - I think that a lot of other factors come in here. To me, the biggest thing would be, no matter exactly what the degree of the imbalance is, how my husband reacted when I brought it up. If I'm doing 60% of the work, and I bring it up, and my husband were to say "I see what you're doing, you're right, you are doing more, but I just feel so overwhelmed right now, and I don't know what to do, it feels impossible!" or something, well, jeez, I'd probably bump that up to 65 or 70% and ask if he needed something else from me! If I bring it up and he gas lights me, or blows me off, or says "yeah, yeah I'll do better" and then nothing happens, or acts weird and passive aggressive about it, just clearly doesn't care, is fine having me stressed and overwhelmed while he plays video games and sleeps late, well, that's a different story. Brings me back to my earlier point - it's about a partnership, and knowing your spouse has your back, more than it's about minutes of housework. Anyway - I've answered your questions as written, and I hope I've clarified some things. But I have to ask - it seems like you're responding really defensively to me generally. It feels like maybe I hit a nerve, perhaps with the statement that I would divorce in a situation where my husband didn't do his half. Are you in a situation where your spouse doesn't contribute at home? If you are, and you've opted not to divorce, I'm sure that's the right call for you. We're all doing the best we can in life, and we all make our trade offs. I'm just spitballing here - maybe I'm way off the mark. But I'm curious to know why my stance bothers you so much? I know DCUM isn't always a supportive place (hahahahahaha understatement) but I try to be a supportive person, so try me. And maybe that will move something forward 
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Anonymous
| Ladies, you should have chosen better husbands! |
Anonymous
Fair |
Anonymous
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It took 10 years, but DH is finally stepping up. However, it is because 1) he has a job that requires about 2 hours of work most days, I dont feel guilty at all for asking him to do more and 2) our kids are older. also, his mom was the breadwinner in his family and he respects my need to work.
Here's the division of labor: Outsource; lawn, biweekly deep clean Other cleaning/tidying: used to always be me but he does when asked do a genera tidy up or will run the vacuum. He will never organize the closet or frig or drawers as I do regularly to declutter. Meals: I do the buik of dinner and meal planning but he has started cooking 1-2 nights per week (usually grilling or pasta). He always does dishes when I cook. Breakfast-he gets the kids up and makes the coffee. We both get them ready for the day. Driving: this is the biggest change for me. With his schedule, DH can drive kids, pick them up, take to lesson, run to cvs, etc. He does almost all the errands and grocery shopping. I do all the amazon ordering. Kids activiitees: I register for eerything, keep track of all the activities, friend/playdates, etc. He is terrible at planning. He will, however, execute the plan (drive kid to soccer, etc).But still I am always the one to fill out a million health forms for each freaking week of camp for each kid, all of which were cancelled this past year. Finances: I handle all our finances for the immediate family at home., including taxes He handles finanes for his mother and his older child, who lives on their own. vacation or other planning: all me. home repairs: he mostly takes care of them/outsources them. I do renovations (if needed). spend time with the kids: he does as much or more than me. |
Anonymous
I feel for your family bc you’re obnoxious AF. |
Anonymous
So you'd give up 50% of your time with your kids if your spouse didn't clean the house? And take the risk that some future stepmom is going to be with them 50% of the time? Its easy to say something is unacceptable - and it IS unacceptable - but divorce comes at a major cost even if the kids are totally fine. It's hard to say most anything my husband did short of abuse would be worth giving up 50% of my time with my kids. |
Anonymous
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well, I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time. He does quite a bit around the house (he's the cook, meal planner, shopper) and takes care of most stuff outside the house too.
I'm happy to stay on top of the kids' school work, manage the social stuff (even with the pandemic i organize video get-togethers and socially distanced visits with friends). it all works out as we have a nice balance. and I love to get my DH's shaft 3-4 times a week. |