Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Am I now not even allowed to wear perfume? This stood out to me.

My MIL wears so much “Eau de toilette” (because she says perfume smells disgusting, ha) that it makes the entire house smell like her. If she’s downstairs you can smell her upstairs. She doesn’t think she uses too much. She is insulted by our request for no perfume. Now I guess she doesn’t bring it but when she gets here she reeks of it so I’m guessing she sprays her clothes with it before she leaves.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe all of the really mean posters who are insulting you OP. I think you sound great! Have fun and enjoy your Xmas.

Think the mean posters are just jealous as no one invites them for any holiday!

[Anonymous]

Op - you seem to be asking, "how can I have a larger role ... because I'm not controlling enough in this environment, don't have a large enough role, I'm not feeling important enough"

You are framing it as, "being helpful" but I is quite possible that you are being a brat. Reflect on this, on whether you are bringing your best self to this relationship and this event.

The "what" you do won't be as important as your attitude. You are now peers with these other adults.

[Anonymous]

We had an interesting family discussion on how the elimination of sarcasm really helps relationships. I sense sarcasm in your post, Op. Just sayin'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid the master bedroom and ask before using the washing machine.

If you say you are watching the kids outside, don't come back in without them and then ask me while I'm taking the turkey out "Should (2 year old) be down by the river by herself?" Unless of course you enjoy watching me drop everything and bolt despite burning myself.

Ask to use the washer? Why?

Not that PP but perhaps you don't know how to use my machine, maybe it's not working, maybe it's finicky. Most importantly, you don't live here, so ask.

Don't have guests. Put the soap in, clothes and push start.

You shouldn't be a guest. ASK first before using anything in your host's home, unless you have been told otherwise.

If I need to do a load of household items (especially if there's something we need for school or sports the next day) and you've started a load unexpectedly? You suck.

If you moved my laundry and didn't remove my hang-dry only items, and they are now on full heat blast in the dryer, you REALLY suck.

I don't put mom things in the dryer and this is why I don't usually stay at someone's home (I would my MIL but she was it). Its annoying to have to eat, do laundry or anything else. We've stayed at houses where you have to eat and once the mom only made food for her and her kids and we ended up having to go out as we were starving. If you cannot be a warm host and make people feel comfortable, don't invite. I haven't had anyone need my washer but that's because I offer and usually wash their clothing for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid the master bedroom and ask before using the washing machine.

If you say you are watching the kids outside, don't come back in without them and then ask me while I'm taking the turkey out "Should (2 year old) be down by the river by herself?" Unless of course you enjoy watching me drop everything and bolt despite burning myself.

Ask to use the washer? Why?

Not that PP but perhaps you don't know how to use my machine, maybe it's not working, maybe it's finicky. Most importantly, you don't live here, so ask.

Don't have guests. Put the soap in, clothes and push start.

You shouldn't be a guest. ASK first before using anything in your host's home, unless you have been told otherwise.

If I need to do a load of household items (especially if there's something we need for school or sports the next day) and you've started a load unexpectedly? You suck.

If you moved my laundry and didn't remove my hang-dry only items, and they are now on full heat blast in the dryer, you REALLY suck.

+1
Also, if you try to help with laundry and do two towels like you do at home, you suck. We are gen exers or millenials, concerned about the environment. We have specs for full loads, temp and how much detergent, and yes, for what gets hung or dried. We care about the planet and our bills.

I don't know anyone who does two towels. But, if you don't want someone using your machine, offer to do their laundry. I wouldn't want someone dictating how I was mine and what detergent if I visited as I can only use certain brands and wash at specific temps.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think some PPs are being a little harsh. You asked a legitimate question and you have committed to stay in your lane. Just do as you have committed to do. Bring muffins and wine. Assume your DH can answer any questions about household matters. If you offer to help and your offer is declined, honor that.

On the matter of perfume, I agree with others that you should leave it at home. I love perfume, but sadly I have realized that it is increasingly out of place - and wearing it is considered rude in many circles. My MIL doesn’t wear perfume (that I know of), so this is not a MIL thing - it’s a generational thing. I am an older DIL with a relatively young DC and I don’t wear perfume outside my own home anymore.

Finally, thank you for starting this thread because some of the posts were hilarious. I’ve had a rough week and definitely got a few chuckles here. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

^Assume your DS can answer questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid the master bedroom and ask before using the washing machine.

If you say you are watching the kids outside, don't come back in without them and then ask me while I'm taking the turkey out "Should (2 year old) be down by the river by herself?" Unless of course you enjoy watching me drop everything and bolt despite burning myself.

Ask to use the washer? Why?

Not that PP but perhaps you don't know how to use my machine, maybe it's not working, maybe it's finicky. Most importantly, you don't live here, so ask.

Don't have guests. Put the soap in, clothes and push start.

You shouldn't be a guest. ASK first before using anything in your host's home, unless you have been told otherwise.

If I need to do a load of household items (especially if there's something we need for school or sports the next day) and you've started a load unexpectedly? You suck.

If you moved my laundry and didn't remove my hang-dry only items, and they are now on full heat blast in the dryer, you REALLY suck.

+1
Also, if you try to help with laundry and do two towels like you do at home, you suck. We are gen exers or millenials, concerned about the environment. We have specs for full loads, temp and how much detergent, and yes, for what gets hung or dried. We care about the planet and our bills.

I don't know anyone who does two towels. But, if you don't want someone using your machine, offer to do their laundry. I wouldn't want someone dictating how I was mine and what detergent if I visited as I can only use certain brands and wash at specific temps.

Are you slow? This specifically says "try to help with laundry". This means the guest is doing the host's laundry in a bid to be helpful, but is not actually helpful. Also, I don't know anyone who sprays perfume on kids but it doesn't mean they don't exist. You don't get to dismiss the reality of others just because it is not your experience.

[Anonymous]

Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.

[Anonymous]

Lotta hateful DILs on this post - Wow.

[Anonymous]

Mercy! All these responses make me think more fondly of my perfume-wearing, snobby, disengaged, alcoholic MIL who thinks my DH hung the moon!

I'm sensitive to this bc with just two young sons and no daughters, I'm destined to be loathed. But I don't wear perfume and like to play with kids, so maybe those future DILs will give me a pass....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lotta hateful DILs on this post - Wow.

+I000! OP, these women have serious issues and the 7 pages of vitriol is actually disturbing. How horrible to walk around with such hatred in your heart towards your mother or mil. Especially at the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watching the kids is very helpful, as long as you are really watching them. If you forget that you are supposed to be watching them, then it is not actually helpful as the parents have to watch them too.

Are you guys active? Then getting the kids out of the house would be VERY appreciated! take them to the park or just toss a ball around outside.

They should not be expected to be babysitters nor their date night sitter. They were invited for Christmas dinner and to stay overnight, not to be maids! I would make sure to clean up any mess that I have made, leave room as clean as it was when I arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be the best grandmother! Really, if you're close to your grandkids and know their routine, run with it. That will be the greatest gift for your son/DIL. Play a lot and stay engaged. Bedtime too! Get up early with them and make mom/dad coffee. Handle kids meltdowns. Just be calm and happy to be there!

My mother was a saint! Perfect grandmother in every way. I miss her so much but the love she had for my son (and everyone) is etched in my heart. My MIL was very different, but because of what my mother instilled in me, I was equipped to always be gracious. Hope your DIL is the same.

You make me want to barf. It is not the duty of your guest, family or not, make your damn coffee, babysit, clean your filthy house or buy your groceries.