Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can give you a long list of what not to do.

1. Do not bring sparklers and fire works to entertain the kids. My FIL almost burned down the neighborhood. It was very dry that year and he caught some of the brush on fire. It was not appreciated.

2. Do not bring a gingerbread kit and make yourself at home setting it up for the kids in the all white living room. My cousin is still pissed off about this one.

3. Do not bring a purse dog and let it sit on the table next to you eating off your plate.

4. You are not there to write a NYT food critic review. Do not sample every item and then comment on whether it is a dry, salty, needs seasoning, needs a splash of acid etc. No one wants to hear your review.

5. Do not open the oven on the turkey every freakin 5 minutes leaving it open while you chatter to someone about something dropping the temp and then complain that dinner is being served too late.

6. Do not rewrap the gifts because your DIL did not wrap them with paper that you prefer. My MIL thought it would look so much better if all the gifts were wrapped with the same extremely expensive paper and ribbon that she brought. In the middle of the night, she rewrapped everything AND removed one or two gifts because she really did not think the recipient would enjoy it. Luckily, she said she had a few extras in her bag and swapped those in.

7. If you need to get up a 4 am do not wake the children up, let them see the Santa gifts and then try to get them to lie to their parents that they have not been up yet.

I agree with you on everything but #7. My siblings and I would hide flashlights and make a plan of attack that required extensive knowledge of advanced battlefield ops to get a peak of the santa gifts. If my grandma indulged that, I would think she was the greatest thing since my much hoped for easy-bake oven.

[Anonymous]

My MIL wanted to be a "co-hostess" like you, OP. If she had gone about it with kindness and goodwill and open communication, maybe. But she came at me with entitlement, bossiness, and acting like she owns the place--which she certainly does not.

When she acts up, I "relegate" her more and more.

On the occasional years when she's acting human, I welcome more and more involvment and contribution. It's interesting that she hasn't yet made the connection.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s hard to tell tone online but a lot of people are responding to perceived passive-aggression in your posts. The evidence: your saying you are “relegated” to wine and muffins when that is a total reasonable thing to ask a guest to bring, “That’s fine” when it seems it is not fine for you, saying your son and his wife want to “try their hand” at hosting like they are ridiculous children, and saying you’re “not allowed” to wear perfume as though you’re looking for things to be offended by when you asked a bunch of anonymous strangers for advice.

Maybe this is just a written text tone problem, but if you give off a tone in person of “sigh, I guess i will just sit here and bite my tongue about the right way to do everything even though I am the expert who’s been doing it for decades but it’s fine, don’t worry about me” then you might want to work on that bc it is not a good way to build a good relationship with your son’s family.

[Anonymous]

Whatever she does is the perfect, cannot be beat thing at exactly the right moment.

Write a personal note offering to help and letting her know you will do whatever happily.

Unsolicited advice is never welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s hard to tell tone online but a lot of people are responding to perceived passive-aggression in your posts. The evidence: your saying you are “relegated” to wine and muffins when that is a total reasonable thing to ask a guest to bring, “That’s fine” when it seems it is not fine for you, saying your son and his wife want to “try their hand” at hosting like they are ridiculous children, and saying you’re “not allowed” to wear perfume as though you’re looking for things to be offended by when you asked a bunch of anonymous strangers for advice.

Maybe this is just a written text tone problem, but if you give off a tone in person of “sigh, I guess i will just sit here and bite my tongue about the right way to do everything even though I am the expert who’s been doing it for decades but it’s fine, don’t worry about me” then you might want to work on that bc it is not a good way to build a good relationship with your son’s family.

This is so true. At some point op you started hosting yourself, I'm sure you didn't want family causing you trouble or making snide comments or criticising you. I'm sure you wanted family to attend and just enjoy the day or meal.

I just don't get for the life of me why it is so hard just going and relaxing. A lot of your comments do come off as you feel you have been relegated into the background. If that chip on your shoulder comes through loud and clear in written text I can't even imagine how loud and clear it would be in person. You may think you hide it well but let me tell you, people can be very perceptive and your DIL will pick up on your attitude even if you think you are hiding it.

[Anonymous]

This is our first year hosting DH's entire family for Christmas. I was game to cook but DH's family pushed the catering idea. That's fine too. So, I found some good catering options. MIL always does so much. I wanted her to not have to do as much this holiday. So, I'm going back and forth with MIL about the menu and plans. She's insisting on bringing x, y, and z even though it's kinda unnecessary. I finally realized that she wants to bring a lot and she wants to do so much. DH told me to give her assignments as it will make her happier. As a result, I'm scaling back my catering order so she can bring the dishes she wants to bring. And I'm putting her in charge of breakfast casseroles the following morning. She does seem happier about it now.

It sounds like OP needs the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is our first year hosting DH's entire family for Christmas. I was game to cook but DH's family pushed the catering idea. That's fine too. So, I found some good catering options. MIL always does so much. I wanted her to not have to do as much this holiday. So, I'm going back and forth with MIL about the menu and plans. She's insisting on bringing x, y, and z even though it's kinda unnecessary. I finally realized that she wants to bring a lot and she wants to do so much. DH told me to give her assignments as it will make her happier. As a result, I'm scaling back my catering order so she can bring the dishes she wants to bring. And I'm putting her in charge of breakfast casseroles the following morning. She does seem happier about it now.

It sounds like OP needs the same thing.

So basically MIL is hosting the family for Christmas at your house. She is pretty much telling you what to do, what dishes to have and how to do it and you are doing as she wants. I'm glad she is happy, I do think it's sad that there isn't one mention of your wishes for hosting - oh wait there was you were game to cook and that was shut down. Is there anything that you wanted to do that you are doing, anything?

I guess why bother hosting, you aren't actually doing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is our first year hosting DH's entire family for Christmas. I was game to cook but DH's family pushed the catering idea. That's fine too. So, I found some good catering options. MIL always does so much. I wanted her to not have to do as much this holiday. So, I'm going back and forth with MIL about the menu and plans. She's insisting on bringing x, y, and z even though it's kinda unnecessary. I finally realized that she wants to bring a lot and she wants to do so much. DH told me to give her assignments as it will make her happier. As a result, I'm scaling back my catering order so she can bring the dishes she wants to bring. And I'm putting her in charge of breakfast casseroles the following morning. She does seem happier about it now.

It sounds like OP needs the same thing.

Except it sounds like OP’s DIL and OP’s son WANT TO HOST, dum-dum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our first year hosting DH's entire family for Christmas. I was game to cook but DH's family pushed the catering idea. That's fine too. So, I found some good catering options. MIL always does so much. I wanted her to not have to do as much this holiday. So, I'm going back and forth with MIL about the menu and plans. She's insisting on bringing x, y, and z even though it's kinda unnecessary. I finally realized that she wants to bring a lot and she wants to do so much. DH told me to give her assignments as it will make her happier. As a result, I'm scaling back my catering order so she can bring the dishes she wants to bring. And I'm putting her in charge of breakfast casseroles the following morning. She does seem happier about it now.

It sounds like OP needs the same thing.

Except it sounds like OP’s DIL and OP’s son WANT TO HOST, dum-dum!

But in DCUM land I am beginning to think that that only person worthy of any sort of happiness is the MIL. Make sure she does every thing she wants, how she wants to do it otherwise she might be upset and we don't want that. First year hosting and she is being treated like a silly little girl that wouldn't possibly know how to do anything so she better cater, well just a little, MIL will come in and rescue the day with her dishes, as long as DIL isn't doing any. What's so funny about this is that this DIL has been relegated to wine and muffins in her own house.

Does this MIL ever cater? I bet she doesn't because she wants to do a lot, no she won't get catering because she thinks her cooking is so good but you have to which tells you a lot about what she thinks of you and your abilities.

[Anonymous]

You sound delightful and helpful. As mentioned already compliment...food, decor, etc. That goes a long way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our first year hosting DH's entire family for Christmas. I was game to cook but DH's family pushed the catering idea. That's fine too. So, I found some good catering options. MIL always does so much. I wanted her to not have to do as much this holiday. So, I'm going back and forth with MIL about the menu and plans. She's insisting on bringing x, y, and z even though it's kinda unnecessary. I finally realized that she wants to bring a lot and she wants to do so much. DH told me to give her assignments as it will make her happier. As a result, I'm scaling back my catering order so she can bring the dishes she wants to bring. And I'm putting her in charge of breakfast casseroles the following morning. She does seem happier about it now.

It sounds like OP needs the same thing.

Except it sounds like OP’s DIL and OP’s son WANT TO HOST, dum-dum!

But in DCUM land I am beginning to think that that only person worthy of any sort of happiness is the MIL. Make sure she does every thing she wants, how she wants to do it otherwise she might be upset and we don't want that. First year hosting and she is being treated like a silly little girl that wouldn't possibly know how to do anything so she better cater, well just a little, MIL will come in and rescue the day with her dishes, as long as DIL isn't doing any. What's so funny about this is that this DIL has been relegated to wine and muffins in her own house.

Does this MIL ever cater? I bet she doesn't because she wants to do a lot, no she won't get catering because she thinks her cooking is so good but you have to which tells you a lot about what she thinks of you and your abilities.

I'm the DIL who is hosting for the first time. I think the PP above likes to get angry and feel self-righteous. I get it. It can be momentarily fulfilling to feel that way.

MIL genuinely wants to make things easy for me. My SILs cater too when they host so it's not just us. Learning not to worry about such minutiae can be freeing.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to always give us a $100-$150 gift card to a local grocery store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be gracious and use what is offered -- don't share one towel to keep my laundry load down -- one shared towel is just weird

OMG my mom does this and it drives me nuts. I have plenty of towels, please just use them.

[Anonymous]

It's very strange to me that you said you're going to your DIL's house for Christmas, and not your son's house. There's something adversarial and intentionally distancing about it. Like it's her house and not your son's, so whatever bug you've got up your butt about muffins is her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be gracious and use what is offered -- don't share one towel to keep my laundry load down -- one shared towel is just weird

OMG my mom does this and it drives me nuts. I have plenty of towels, please just use them.

S/O vent: Same here! We have a tiny stackable washer, and if we don’t wash towels in pairs, it goes off-balance and the load keeps stopping. So I have to wash your pair of towels whether you’re being a weird towel-user or not. My mom is a towel-sharer and I hate the implicit message of it. Is she trying to prove she is the very most thoughtfulest guest of them all? Does she think I’m too lazy to wash more than one towel? Meanwhile at hotels she’ll ask for 6 extra towels and does not believe in reusing hotel linens, so it’s definitely not a water-saving thing.