Tell me what divorce will be like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife wanted divorce and here is what it looks like 10 year out...

1. kids are REALLY messed up:
Daughter went from talking about being a doctor pre-divorce to a suicidal cutter in therapy with low self esteem at about the 5 year mark.
Son who participated in MATHCOUTS and went to a STEM focus high school refused to take the SATs or fill out applications for college got fired from his summer job and is just working at fast food and still doesn't have a drivers license.

2. Years spent in court.
Ex decided to break custody agreement and not allow me to have access and possession of the kids.
Several years of being in court and "winning" only to have her NEVER comply with the court orders and NEVER get any sanctions. I haven't had access to my kids except on the phone for about 5 years. I believe this is a major factor in the kids outcomes.

3. Financially it was devastating. I earn in the top 5% so I'm not doing well by DCUM standards. I'll never be able to retire.

4. It also upended my career and I'm earning less money than pre-divorce. Post divorce I took a job without travel and allows me to work at home so that I could have access and possession of my kids. See item 2 above so this didn't help.

5. As for dating, I didn't date for about 1.5 years. The first 9 months I was very upset and depressed. I think that it took several years to start to heal but I miss my kids EVERY SINGLE DAY.

6. I did date and re-marry at about the 7-8 year mark. I think that if I had not been so damaged by the divorce I would have had much more "fun" in the dating market but simply was not in the dating mindset much of the time. There were too many other worries and concerns. When I did date/marry I married someone that is taller, thinner, younger, and prettier than my ex so there is that...

There were a few never married AND divorced women that lost interest after finding out that I was divorced. They were usually concerned about dealing with and ex but MORE PARTICULARLY concerned about child support payment obligations. There was also a few that were stepping out into the dating pool but never really jumped in because of their own kid obligations. Bottom line is that people say they love kids but the truth is that they love their own kids not other peoples kids.


In conclusion: because OP is already talking about dating as she is considering divorce it looks like she has bought into the divorce lie hook, line, and sinker...

Can you say more about why you did not retain competent legal counsel to enforce the court orders?

JFC. Lawyers CANNOT enforce court orders. Only courts (and the police) can enforce court orders. If a judge isn't going to do anything then there is nothing a lawyer can do.

No sh*t Sherlock. But lawyers are the ones who, you know, represent your interests to get the court and police to enforce the judgement. I don't buy for a second that PP's wife literally never, ever complied with the custody agreement and only let him have phone calls for 10 years, while presumably still paying child support. That makes zero sense. He had bad lawyers, gave up, or is lying/exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

I know a man who bought a house 4 houses down the
street from Ex wife and Affair Partner. The man had
two young teens. He outfitted the bedrooms so each
kid had a bedroom. Wife never sent kids down to see
their Dad when it was his time.

Dad was really beat down by the whole divorce.
When you are the non cheater and the non initiator of
the divorce you are behind the eight ball. Dad did
not want to go to court to fight his ex wife. The
whole situation was sad. Dad was beat down
and depressed and guess what, he was a lawyer too.

Dad's kids are now late 20's failure to launch kids.

I suspect OP has already consulted legal and her
husband is clueless. OP already wants to date.

OP--my experience in dating as a divorced person
in my 40's is that there are a lot of angry people
of both sexes in the dating pool in their 30's and 40's.

Having been the non initiator of a divorce I have
great compassion for those not initiating divorces.
Generally the initiators have already talked to lawyers,
looked at real estate, scoped out dating sites etc
and the non initiators are broadsided and it
can take them several years to get up to speed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife wanted divorce and here is what it looks like 10 year out...

1. kids are REALLY messed up:
Daughter went from talking about being a doctor pre-divorce to a suicidal cutter in therapy with low self esteem at about the 5 year mark.
Son who participated in MATHCOUTS and went to a STEM focus high school refused to take the SATs or fill out applications for college got fired from his summer job and is just working at fast food and still doesn't have a drivers license.

2. Years spent in court.
Ex decided to break custody agreement and not allow me to have access and possession of the kids.
Several years of being in court and "winning" only to have her NEVER comply with the court orders and NEVER get any sanctions. I haven't had access to my kids except on the phone for about 5 years. I believe this is a major factor in the kids outcomes.

3. Financially it was devastating. I earn in the top 5% so I'm not doing well by DCUM standards. I'll never be able to retire.

4. It also upended my career and I'm earning less money than pre-divorce. Post divorce I took a job without travel and allows me to work at home so that I could have access and possession of my kids. See item 2 above so this didn't help.

5. As for dating, I didn't date for about 1.5 years. The first 9 months I was very upset and depressed. I think that it took several years to start to heal but I miss my kids EVERY SINGLE DAY.

6. I did date and re-marry at about the 7-8 year mark. I think that if I had not been so damaged by the divorce I would have had much more "fun" in the dating market but simply was not in the dating mindset much of the time. There were too many other worries and concerns. When I did date/marry I married someone that is taller, thinner, younger, and prettier than my ex so there is that...

There were a few never married AND divorced women that lost interest after finding out that I was divorced. They were usually concerned about dealing with and ex but MORE PARTICULARLY concerned about child support payment obligations. There was also a few that were stepping out into the dating pool but never really jumped in because of their own kid obligations. Bottom line is that people say they love kids but the truth is that they love their own kids not other peoples kids.


In conclusion: because OP is already talking about dating as she is considering divorce it looks like she has bought into the divorce lie hook, line, and sinker...

Thank you for posting. This is a very realistic scenario.

There's not a single thing realistic about it. PP's wife is a horrible shrew, his children are extremely emotionally harmed, he refused to do anything about it, was forced to take a giant paycut to take a non-travel job (even after his wife refused any custody of the kids), then he magically married a thinner, prettier woman at the 7/8 year mark! This guy is a toxic loser, 100%.

You seem to lack reading comprehension skills (or want to be in denial about how bad things can get). His wife refused him access to the kids -- not "refuse custody" but basically stole the kids and wouldn't allow him communication with his children -- with terrible consequences for his children. He voluntarily switched jobs but it didn't do him any good. He's a victim, but as usual when a man is the victim women want to write him off as a "toxic loser".

Guy was doing the right thing. Switched jobs to see his kids. Wife did not allow access. Woman is toxic loser.

posted by a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife wanted divorce and here is what it looks like 10 year out...

1. kids are REALLY messed up:
Daughter went from talking about being a doctor pre-divorce to a suicidal cutter in therapy with low self esteem at about the 5 year mark.
Son who participated in MATHCOUTS and went to a STEM focus high school refused to take the SATs or fill out applications for college got fired from his summer job and is just working at fast food and still doesn't have a drivers license.

2. Years spent in court.
Ex decided to break custody agreement and not allow me to have access and possession of the kids.
Several years of being in court and "winning" only to have her NEVER comply with the court orders and NEVER get any sanctions. I haven't had access to my kids except on the phone for about 5 years. I believe this is a major factor in the kids outcomes.

3. Financially it was devastating. I earn in the top 5% so I'm not doing well by DCUM standards. I'll never be able to retire.

4. It also upended my career and I'm earning less money than pre-divorce. Post divorce I took a job without travel and allows me to work at home so that I could have access and possession of my kids. See item 2 above so this didn't help.

5. As for dating, I didn't date for about 1.5 years. The first 9 months I was very upset and depressed. I think that it took several years to start to heal but I miss my kids EVERY SINGLE DAY.

6. I did date and re-marry at about the 7-8 year mark. I think that if I had not been so damaged by the divorce I would have had much more "fun" in the dating market but simply was not in the dating mindset much of the time. There were too many other worries and concerns. When I did date/marry I married someone that is taller, thinner, younger, and prettier than my ex so there is that...

There were a few never married AND divorced women that lost interest after finding out that I was divorced. They were usually concerned about dealing with and ex but MORE PARTICULARLY concerned about child support payment obligations. There was also a few that were stepping out into the dating pool but never really jumped in because of their own kid obligations. Bottom line is that people say they love kids but the truth is that they love their own kids not other peoples kids.


In conclusion: because OP is already talking about dating as she is considering divorce it looks like she has bought into the divorce lie hook, line, and sinker...

Can you say more about why you did not retain competent legal counsel to enforce the court orders?

I did retain competent legal counsel and paid a lot of money for it. The judge actually stated in open court that he is unwilling to sanction a single mother. Its bad optics for an elected official. Unless you have been a father in family court you can not relate to my experience.

This wouldn't happen in DC or Montgomery County. I've seen the judge's there generally will give the father a good deal more time, if not full 50-50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the brink and the only thing at this point holding me back is fear of the unknown. I’m not sure exactly WHAT I’m afraid of- loneliness? Embarrassment about my failed marriage?

I’d love to know what to expect in terms of life, dating again, so on.

I am 35, attractive, 2 young kids (one has mild SN and is a huge handful). I work a lot but have a high income (particularly for a woman my age, I’m probably in the 1%). But, I also probably won’t have money to burn given the increased expenses associated with divorce.

I have a nagging feeling that the dating scene is rough.

Look at your life now, and then subtract every contribution currently made by your husband. Be very very realistic about his contributions, even the ones you do not currently notice. Lots of women I see who want to divorce think that their life will be exactly as it was less the husband.

Does he take out the trash? Carry your heavy bags? Cares for the kids while you take yoga or have dinner with a friend? Replaces AC filter? Takes the car to the shop? Brings money? Now it's you taking the car to the shop, carrying heavy bags, staying with kids and there is no more money.

Also, be very very clear about what your husband means to you emotionally. You may hate him right now and possibly for good reasons. Now imagine him pairing up with a hot young woman six months from now. Not saying that he will, but how will you feel if he does? What about if he has children with her and your children are now second in line? Again, not to say it will happen but how will you feel if it does?

Visualize parenting remotely. Figure out how you feel about that. Visualize having the same argument about parenting difference but this time without the softening factor of "she's my wife after all".

Regarding dating, please internalize the fact that your children are the most important creatures in the world to you, and that you are the only one who will ever feel this way about them. No other man will ever feel that, and certainly not within months of meeting you.

You may have very good reasons for divorce, no one really knows that but you. But something tells me that you haven't really visualized what your life realistically will be like post divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

It's not the divorce, it's the cost of maintaining two households for the rest of your lives. Right now I'm trying to help pay for my parents' assisted living and it's obvious to all of us that married, they could have a much nicer place. Two single arrangements is far more costly and we/they just can't afford anything nice.

I’d rather pay for two households even though my quality of life will deceasing. It will cost way more emotionally and living with regret if I do not divorce. The cost of living as a single person is worth it. I do not consider that a cost of divorce. I consider that a cost of living—which I had when I was single before marriage. The tiny benefit of finances is not worth it. Also, I work. No financial benefit to stay married. I do not care about having a smaller place.

OMG, I would absolutely trade living in a miserable assisted living apartment with my STBX for living alone in a Medicaid nursing home. Absolutely zero question. You anti-divorce people aren't quite grasping that divorce comes when you CANNOT LIVE WITH the other person. I'm miserable now with him, and I can't imagine how much more miserable I would be with him in our 80s in assisted living! WTF!

Easy to say now. But when you get a look at what Medicaid actually funds, you may feel differently. Some of these places are downright unsafe and shorten life span.

I'm not saying don't divorce if you really feel you need to. But when people say that divorce is expensive, this is what they're trying to tell you. Do it with your eyes open.

Save your your own retirement—then it should not be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who all these people are with messed up kids from divorce. But I know just as many messed up kids in intact families. It becomes a new life reality. Having the parents not fight is an important first step.

+1

It is not divorce that screws kids up. It is the parents. Can be just as screwed up from parents who stayed married (and should have divorced).

Agree agree. My parents divorcing did NOT have long term affect. They were so so mismatched! What was painful was my mother’s remarriage to a man who always resented us. Very difficult to handle as a child with long term affects for our family structure and everlasting changes to my relationship with my mom.

I do think divorce itself is very stressful for kids, but the impact of bringing a new boyfriend/girlfriend/adult into the household to be a step-parent multiplies that by a hundred! It is a very scary experience for a kid to have a new adult who is basically a stranger but acting like a parent!

Stop assuming people who divorce are going to have boyfriends/girlfriends involved. I am not. Never remarrying and no “boyfriend” will meet my kids unless they are adults in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who all these people are with messed up kids from divorce. But I know just as many messed up kids in intact families. It becomes a new life reality. Having the parents not fight is an important first step.

+1

It is not divorce that screws kids up. It is the parents. Can be just as screwed up from parents who stayed married (and should have divorced).

Agree agree. My parents divorcing did NOT have long term affect. They were so so mismatched! What was painful was my mother’s remarriage to a man who always resented us. Very difficult to handle as a child with long term affects for our family structure and everlasting changes to my relationship with my mom.

I do think divorce itself is very stressful for kids, but the impact of bringing a new boyfriend/girlfriend/adult into the household to be a step-parent multiplies that by a hundred! It is a very scary experience for a kid to have a new adult who is basically a stranger but acting like a parent!

Stop assuming people who divorce are going to have boyfriends/girlfriends involved. I am not. Never remarrying and no “boyfriend” will meet my kids unless they are adults in college.

You are the exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the brink and the only thing at this point holding me back is fear of the unknown. I’m not sure exactly WHAT I’m afraid of- loneliness? Embarrassment about my failed marriage?

I’d love to know what to expect in terms of life, dating again, so on.

I am 35, attractive, 2 young kids (one has mild SN and is a huge handful). I work a lot but have a high income (particularly for a woman my age, I’m probably in the 1%). But, I also probably won’t have money to burn given the increased expenses associated with divorce.

I have a nagging feeling that the dating scene is rough.

Look at your life now, and then subtract every contribution currently made by your husband. Be very very realistic about his contributions, even the ones you do not currently notice. Lots of women I see who want to divorce think that their life will be exactly as it was less the husband.

Does he take out the trash? Carry your heavy bags? Cares for the kids while you take yoga or have dinner with a friend? Replaces AC filter? Takes the car to the shop? Brings money? Now it's you taking the car to the shop, carrying heavy bags, staying with kids and there is no more money.

Also, be very very clear about what your husband means to you emotionally. You may hate him right now and possibly for good reasons. Now imagine him pairing up with a hot young woman six months from now. Not saying that he will, but how will you feel if he does? What about if he has children with her and your children are now second in line? Again, not to say it will happen but how will you feel if it does?

Visualize parenting remotely. Figure out how you feel about that. Visualize having the same argument about parenting difference but this time without the softening factor of "she's my wife after all".

Regarding dating, please internalize the fact that your children are the most important creatures in the world to you, and that you are the only one who will ever feel this way about them. No other man will ever feel that, and certainly not within months of meeting you.

You may have very good reasons for divorce, no one really knows that but you. But something tells me that you haven't really visualized what your life realistically will be like post divorce.

NP, and you're completely discounting the relief of not having to live in an utterly miserable situation, in a home that feels, at best, completely uncomfortable, and at worst, completely unsafe. You're not counting the enormous amounts of time and energy spent on a miserable marriage, instead of on parenting children or taking care of oneself. The financial burden is real, but to stay in an awful situation because your partner takes out the trash? Or takes the car to the shop? There's a lot to be said for living a daily life that allows you to exist without constant stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a man who bought a house 4 houses down the
street from Ex wife and Affair Partner. The man had
two young teens. He outfitted the bedrooms so each
kid had a bedroom. Wife never sent kids down to see
their Dad when it was his time.

Dad was really beat down by the whole divorce.
When you are the non cheater and the non initiator of
the divorce you are behind the eight ball. Dad did
not want to go to court to fight his ex wife. The
whole situation was sad. Dad was beat down
and depressed and guess what, he was a lawyer too.

Dad's kids are now late 20's failure to launch kids.

I suspect OP has already consulted legal and her
husband is clueless. OP already wants to date.

OP--my experience in dating as a divorced person
in my 40's is that there are a lot of angry people
of both sexes in the dating pool in their 30's and 40's.

Having been the non initiator of a divorce I have
great compassion for those not initiating divorces.
Generally the initiators have already talked to lawyers,
looked at real estate, scoped out dating sites etc
and the non initiators are broadsided and it
can take them several years to get up to speed.

This is very common. Same with my husband except he went to court to fight the visitation multiple times and the judges would just tell mom to allow visitation and no consequences. The kid have relationship issues now and are a mess from it. Rarely is it worth fighting in the courts as rarely do judges hold the CP accountable. Its better now in some courts only care about if child support is paid.

[Anonymous]

No sh*t Sherlock. But lawyers are the ones who, you know, represent your interests to get the court and police to enforce the judgement. I don't buy for a second that PP's wife literally never, ever complied with the custody agreement and only let him have phone calls for 10 years, while presumably still paying child support. That makes zero sense. He had bad lawyers, gave up, or is lying/exaggerating.

Child of divorce. My mom totally cut my dad off from any contact with us. No meetings, no phone calls, she tore up letters he wrote. It happens. Am I lying too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife wanted divorce and here is what it looks like 10 year out...

1. kids are REALLY messed up:
Daughter went from talking about being a doctor pre-divorce to a suicidal cutter in therapy with low self esteem at about the 5 year mark.
Son who participated in MATHCOUTS and went to a STEM focus high school refused to take the SATs or fill out applications for college got fired from his summer job and is just working at fast food and still doesn't have a drivers license.

2. Years spent in court.
Ex decided to break custody agreement and not allow me to have access and possession of the kids.
Several years of being in court and "winning" only to have her NEVER comply with the court orders and NEVER get any sanctions. I haven't had access to my kids except on the phone for about 5 years. I believe this is a major factor in the kids outcomes.

3. Financially it was devastating. I earn in the top 5% so I'm not doing well by DCUM standards. I'll never be able to retire.

4. It also upended my career and I'm earning less money than pre-divorce. Post divorce I took a job without travel and allows me to work at home so that I could have access and possession of my kids. See item 2 above so this didn't help.

5. As for dating, I didn't date for about 1.5 years. The first 9 months I was very upset and depressed. I think that it took several years to start to heal but I miss my kids EVERY SINGLE DAY.

6. I did date and re-marry at about the 7-8 year mark. I think that if I had not been so damaged by the divorce I would have had much more "fun" in the dating market but simply was not in the dating mindset much of the time. There were too many other worries and concerns. When I did date/marry I married someone that is taller, thinner, younger, and prettier than my ex so there is that...

There were a few never married AND divorced women that lost interest after finding out that I was divorced. They were usually concerned about dealing with and ex but MORE PARTICULARLY concerned about child support payment obligations. There was also a few that were stepping out into the dating pool but never really jumped in because of their own kid obligations. Bottom line is that people say they love kids but the truth is that they love their own kids not other peoples kids.


In conclusion: because OP is already talking about dating as she is considering divorce it looks like she has bought into the divorce lie hook, line, and sinker...

Can you say more about why you did not retain competent legal counsel to enforce the court orders?

I did retain competent legal counsel and paid a lot of money for it. The judge actually stated in open court that he is unwilling to sanction a single mother. Its bad optics for an elected official. Unless you have been a father in family court you can not relate to my experience.

This wouldn't happen in DC or Montgomery County. I've seen the judge's there generally will give the father a good deal more time, if not full 50-50.

You missed the point. Even if Dad's get a good visitation/custody agreement, if the Mom chooses NOT to allow the kids to visit, there are no consequences but to tell her to send the kids. Even if she doesn't have a good reason. Its rare a judge will change custody to a father over visitation reasons and usually it just drags out in court and then the kids get old enough to tell the judge they don't want to see Dad per mom's wishes and that is the end of it. The only time there are consequences, and not always, is if child support is not paid. My husband went to court many times and not once were consequences given to his ex. They threatened him for not paying child support but luckily that was worked out to his favor as he had a huge overpayment because she did multiple garnishments but even then, the court did not make her reimburse the overpayments that were her fault or for lying saying he wasn't paying child support. Nor, did they force her to reimburse him for attorney fees, air fare, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 9 months in. Expect:

Pros:

Relief, periods of freedom if you actually trade off kids, excitement of new lovers and new space (dating isn’t that rough, especially for someone your age).

Cons:

You will continue fighting with your ex. Your children will be unbelievably screwed up and permanently damaged (although remaining in a bad marriage will damage them too), much tighter finances, some frustrations on dating scene, trouble focusing at work, and logistical issues with kids and pets. Also, lawyers.

PERMANENT damage of the children is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the brink and the only thing at this point holding me back is fear of the unknown. I’m not sure exactly WHAT I’m afraid of- loneliness? Embarrassment about my failed marriage?

I’d love to know what to expect in terms of life, dating again, so on.

I am 35, attractive, 2 young kids (one has mild SN and is a huge handful). I work a lot but have a high income (particularly for a woman my age, I’m probably in the 1%). But, I also probably won’t have money to burn given the increased expenses associated with divorce.

I have a nagging feeling that the dating scene is rough.

Look at your life now, and then subtract every contribution currently made by your husband. Be very very realistic about his contributions, even the ones you do not currently notice. Lots of women I see who want to divorce think that their life will be exactly as it was less the husband.

Does he take out the trash? Carry your heavy bags? Cares for the kids while you take yoga or have dinner with a friend? Replaces AC filter? Takes the car to the shop? Brings money? Now it's you taking the car to the shop, carrying heavy bags, staying with kids and there is no more money.

Also, be very very clear about what your husband means to you emotionally. You may hate him right now and possibly for good reasons. Now imagine him pairing up with a hot young woman six months from now. Not saying that he will, but how will you feel if he does? What about if he has children with her and your children are now second in line? Again, not to say it will happen but how will you feel if it does?

Visualize parenting remotely. Figure out how you feel about that. Visualize having the same argument about parenting difference but this time without the softening factor of "she's my wife after all".

Regarding dating, please internalize the fact that your children are the most important creatures in the world to you, and that you are the only one who will ever feel this way about them. No other man will ever feel that, and certainly not within months of meeting you.

You may have very good reasons for divorce, no one really knows that but you. But something tells me that you haven't really visualized what your life realistically will be like post divorce.

NP, and you're completely discounting the relief of not having to live in an utterly miserable situation, in a home that feels, at best, completely uncomfortable, and at worst, completely unsafe. You're not counting the enormous amounts of time and energy spent on a miserable marriage, instead of on parenting children or taking care of oneself. The financial burden is real, but to stay in an awful situation because your partner takes out the trash? Or takes the car to the shop? There's a lot to be said for living a daily life that allows you to exist without constant stress.

Not every marriage where partners contemplate divorce is miserable or unsafe or awful. Stress is a part of life, and no life is completely free of stress. All I suggest is to be completely, unflinchingly realistic about life post-divorce. The good and the bad. Chances are that the spouse you want to leave behind doesn't just bring bad things to your life, they bring something good too, something good that you may be overlooking in your angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No sh*t Sherlock. But lawyers are the ones who, you know, represent your interests to get the court and police to enforce the judgement. I don't buy for a second that PP's wife literally never, ever complied with the custody agreement and only let him have phone calls for 10 years, while presumably still paying child support. That makes zero sense. He had bad lawyers, gave up, or is lying/exaggerating.

Child of divorce. My mom totally cut my dad off from any contact with us. No meetings, no phone calls, she tore up letters he wrote. It happens. Am I lying too?

You're not lying, but your dad could have done much more to stay in touch with you. Sorry. I would fight to my very last penny if my DH were to cut off contact with my kid. Unless he somehow bribed judges or fled the country, there's no way he'd be able to do that and not be held accountable. This isn't to say that courts always work, but there's a lot you can do if you truly want to.