Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you guys are so wealthy that you should work for 5/6 more years and then retire. There is no reason to stay on the hamster wheel unless you like it. 200k is plenty for your whole family it live on. People just think they need “all the stuff.”

Not the OP and our HHI is not 600K, but near. I earn 3/4 and do all of the mental load. I don't collect STUFF. I collect money. It's all in the bank. I really want to jump off this hampster wheel but am so scared. I'm afraid of losing my identity. I'm afraid my marriage will suffer. I'm actually not that good at my personal life but really good at my professional life.

At this point we could just make living our his income. If he earned a tad bit more, we could do it easily. I'm also a former ''poors'' so wonder how much I could cut budget if I put my mind to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Differential in free time is your core issue. Quit talking about it in terms of “leaning out” to someone earning in the top 5% of American households by himself.

But that doesn't mean he isn't leaning out. I make about $225k, but it's a lot less than I did and probably than I could. I have very regular and flexible hours. If a kid gets sick or something has to be done around the house I can cover it no problem. I almost never have true stress at work and can almost always put something off until tomorrow. These things are more important than whether I make $25k or $225k.

Apparently your memories of what it was like to make $25k are not vivid.

Ha! mine are.
grocery: on sale canned vegs. frozen meat patties/fake crap. those on sale carb + fake flavoring things. Only HH or ladies night. No kids. No clothes. Crapy apartment in a crappy part of town. Great friends though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you missed the point of the article. You gloss over the part where one spouse works part-time, but that is a huge element. It sounds like your family is stretched way too thin. Your husband works a full-time job that makes good money, and he already handles a ton of childcare. He deserves rest. You sound like the kind of person who doesn’t need/understand rest. I feel like your ideal arrangement is for you both to stay up past midnight every night handling everything that needs to be done in the house. That sounds unsustainable and miserable. You need to either have a real part-time or SAH spouse, or you need to lean out a little yourself.

I think she wants her DH to stay up past midnight to get everything she wants done. There is the thing. If two people work the house work/ child care should be divided up equally. If one person agrees to be the primary care person, they should be SAH or PT work(if possible). The SAH take the hit on the career. The other partner does not get to write long lists and micro management the SAH.

Finally OP says she can make as much money as she wants with more time. Great! Your DH can become a SAHD and you can easily make up his salary.

OP does not want a DH or partner, she wants an employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you missed the point of the article. You gloss over the part where one spouse works part-time, but that is a huge element. It sounds like your family is stretched way too thin. Your husband works a full-time job that makes good money, and he already handles a ton of childcare. He deserves rest. You sound like the kind of person who doesn’t need/understand rest. I feel like your ideal arrangement is for you both to stay up past midnight every night handling everything that needs to be done in the house. That sounds unsustainable and miserable. You need to either have a real part-time or SAH spouse, or you need to lean out a little yourself.

I think she wants her DH to stay up past midnight to get everything she wants done. There is the thing. If two people work the house work/ child care should be divided up equally. If one person agrees to be the primary care person, they should be SAH or PT work(if possible). The SAH take the hit on the career. The other partner does not get to write long lists and micro management the SAH.

Finally OP says she can make as much money as she wants with more time. Great! Your DH can become a SAHD and you can easily make up his salary.

OP does not want a DH or partner, she wants an employee.

Where are you getting that OP is micromanaging her dh? The reason why she's staying up until midnight is because he's not pulling his weight. In the OP, it says that her husband is not willing to be in charge of kid stuff/he's embarrassed to be the only dad at kid events and only does household chores (like laundry) if asked. She's not micromanaging him because he's not doing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Differential in free time is your core issue. Quit talking about it in terms of “leaning out” to someone earning in the top 5% of American households by himself.

But that doesn't mean he isn't leaning out. I make about $225k, but it's a lot less than I did and probably than I could. I have very regular and flexible hours. If a kid gets sick or something has to be done around the house I can cover it no problem. I almost never have true stress at work and can almost always put something off until tomorrow. These things are more important than whether I make $25k or $225k.

Apparently your memories of what it was like to make $25k are not vivid.

Apparently your reading comprehension skills are lacking. My post had nothing to do with what it would be like to live on $25k. The point was that in deciding which person should take over the household responsibilities and mental load it is more important the nature of the person's job (hours, flexibility, stress) than how much someone makes.

For example, there are certain jobs that have very long hours, big stress, and almost no flexibility -- yet are relatively low paid -- such as a medical resident or a law clerk to a federal judge. Someone in either of these positions may very well make considerably less than their spouse, even if the spouse had more of a 9-5 job. It would be insane to have the resident/clerk take on more of the family responsibilities because s/he made less, even when their job is far more difficult and leaves less time and energy for outside responsibilities.

The point is that these are rich people and OP needs to either embrace rich-people solutions or accept that they are going to take a $200k/year hit when her husband quits his job so he can “lean out” to the extent she wants him to. He is someone else’s full-time employee and he makes plenty of money. He cannot do that and manage a house at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both work full time. That means you split other stuff 50/50. The burden doesn’t get placed on one spouse because they make less. You’re free to lean out and also still make a ton of money. Your income is over half mil a year. Figure it the eff out.

I agree that $ made isn't the determining factor. But it seemed like OP had the job the required longer hours, more stress, and less flexibility. Because of that he needs to shoulder more of the load. And those types of jobs generally will pay more than ones with reasonable hours, flexibility and less stress.

Not really. OP can find a job with fewer hours. She chooses to work long hours. She could probably find something making 150K. She would work less, their combined income woutld be 350K, and they could split 50/50.

The fact that DH still does laundry while they make 600K and Op works longer hours proves how ridiculous Op and probably her DH's expectations of themselves are.

[Anonymous]

Op, with that household income and your longer hours, your husband should not be doing any tasks that are not directly related to the children. So no laundry, no cleaning the house, no cooking, no yard work etc. All of that can and should be outscourced so he can have more downtime and energy to focus on stuff directly related to the children such as taking them to games(only some games-nanny/aupair should take them to some), special needs child's appointments, parent-teacher conferences etc.

[Anonymous]

Additionally, OP, marriages work better when one at least one partner is well rested. You don't want both of you to be exhausted. Spouses are unkind to each other when they are tired. Two tired spouses is a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but him being embarrassed to attend his children events?!?

Forgot the division of labor, I would have issues with him not being man enough to hang out with his daughter doing something she liked/loved. What if you died? She doesn’t get to do things because she doesn’t have a mom around.

+1 on this mess. Misogyny in plain view that he can’t stand the company of mothers or it somehow emasculates him. Was he some incel prior to meeting you?

Eh, DH here. I’m super involved, work PT, and go to all my kids events. Other moms are friendly but distant. I’m sure he feels isolated.

Yea, I subbed in at “dad” events when dh was deployed. It’s a different dynamic when you’re the only mom or dad there.

What "dad" events are there? I only have DDs so maybe you have DS and it's baseball or something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both work full time. That means you split other stuff 50/50. The burden doesn’t get placed on one spouse because they make less. You’re free to lean out and also still make a ton of money. Your income is over half mil a year. Figure it the eff out.

I agree that $ made isn't the determining factor. But it seemed like OP had the job the required longer hours, more stress, and less flexibility. Because of that he needs to shoulder more of the load. And those types of jobs generally will pay more than ones with reasonable hours, flexibility and less stress.

Not really. OP can find a job with fewer hours. She chooses to work long hours. She could probably find something making 150K. She would work less, their combined income woutld be 350K, and they could split 50/50.

The fact that DH still does laundry while they make 600K and Op works longer hours proves how ridiculous Op and probably her DH's expectations of themselves are.

They both made a decision to prioritize OP's career. Her husband wants the benefits of being married to a high earner without doing any of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both work full time. That means you split other stuff 50/50. The burden doesn’t get placed on one spouse because they make less. You’re free to lean out and also still make a ton of money. Your income is over half mil a year. Figure it the eff out.

I agree that $ made isn't the determining factor. But it seemed like OP had the job the required longer hours, more stress, and less flexibility. Because of that he needs to shoulder more of the load. And those types of jobs generally will pay more than ones with reasonable hours, flexibility and less stress.

Not really. OP can find a job with fewer hours. She chooses to work long hours. She could probably find something making 150K. She would work less, their combined income woutld be 350K, and they could split 50/50.

The fact that DH still does laundry while they make 600K and Op works longer hours proves how ridiculous Op and probably her DH's expectations of themselves are.

They both made a decision to prioritize OP's career. Her husband wants the benefits of being married to a high earner without doing any of work.

He is also a high earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both work full time. That means you split other stuff 50/50. The burden doesn’t get placed on one spouse because they make less. You’re free to lean out and also still make a ton of money. Your income is over half mil a year. Figure it the eff out.

I agree that $ made isn't the determining factor. But it seemed like OP had the job the required longer hours, more stress, and less flexibility. Because of that he needs to shoulder more of the load. And those types of jobs generally will pay more than ones with reasonable hours, flexibility and less stress.

Not really. OP can find a job with fewer hours. She chooses to work long hours. She could probably find something making 150K. She would work less, their combined income woutld be 350K, and they could split 50/50.

The fact that DH still does laundry while they make 600K and Op works longer hours proves how ridiculous Op and probably her DH's expectations of themselves are.

They both made a decision to prioritize OP's career. Her husband wants the benefits of being married to a high earner without doing any of work.

They can prioritize Op's career and still outsource laundry and other tasks. Even stay at home parents with 600k earners should not do their own laundry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but him being embarrassed to attend his children events?!?

Forgot the division of labor, I would have issues with him not being man enough to hang out with his daughter doing something she liked/loved. What if you died? She doesn’t get to do things because she doesn’t have a mom around.

+1 on this mess. Misogyny in plain view that he can’t stand the company of mothers or it somehow emasculates him. Was he some incel prior to meeting you?

Eh, DH here. I’m super involved, work PT, and go to all my kids events. Other moms are friendly but distant. I’m sure he feels isolated.

Yea, I subbed in at “dad” events when dh was deployed. It’s a different dynamic when you’re the only mom or dad there.

What "dad" events are there? I only have DDs so maybe you have DS and it's baseball or something like that?

Working mom here. When I go to kids’ events, parents (both moms and dads) are “distant” to me too, until I talk to them. It’s not a solution to wallow in resentment and not go to the event at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both work full time. That means you split other stuff 50/50. The burden doesn’t get placed on one spouse because they make less. You’re free to lean out and also still make a ton of money. Your income is over half mil a year. Figure it the eff out.

I agree that $ made isn't the determining factor. But it seemed like OP had the job the required longer hours, more stress, and less flexibility. Because of that he needs to shoulder more of the load. And those types of jobs generally will pay more than ones with reasonable hours, flexibility and less stress.

Not really. OP can find a job with fewer hours. She chooses to work long hours. She could probably find something making 150K. She would work less, their combined income woutld be 350K, and they could split 50/50.

The fact that DH still does laundry while they make 600K and Op works longer hours proves how ridiculous Op and probably her DH's expectations of themselves are.

They both made a decision to prioritize OP's career. Her husband wants the benefits of being married to a high earner without doing any of work.

She can either choose to focus on what she and you assume her husband wants. Or she can choose to see how she can make things work e.g. outsource the hell out so he has more time to chill and focus on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your hhi is 600k. Hire a household manager. You could pay someone 100k and still make a buttload of money each year.

Some people can't handle that mental load. Most men can't do it. Neither can some women. It is what it is. Use your income to make this manageable for yourself.

He is shafting his own kids.

He is playing a game of chicken with his wife- she if she will quit.
He needs to meet more SAHDads- they are all over my Bethesda neighborhood. Some are early retirees too.

Being an early retiree is different than SAHD -- that mean you had a successful business or some kind of exit which gave you a huge bonzanza. no blow to the ego to stay home, and obviously, gobs of money.