Interesting/Creative ways an affair has come to light

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This probably isn't creative, but years ago one of my husband's bosses was having an affair with a secretary. I couldn't stand her or him. His poor wife was still in another state trying to finish packing up the home, Kids etc.

I kept thinking how horrible it would be to move to another state without a support system. Only to find out you pos husband is cheating.

I found her phone number and called her!

You're actually just as bad as the people having the affair. Nothing about any of that was ANY of your concern in any way--you just butted in because you didn't like him. You weren't trying to help anyone out. You have a terrible character, which is obvious in the way you tell it. This was done just to satisfy you and give you a sick thrill. Disgusting.

As someone who was cheated on before and during marriage, I would have loved for someone to have had the balls to pick up the phone and tell me. I think that shows a lot more character than just smiling to my face and acting like nothing is wrong.

+1 I don't know how many folks knew my husband was a serial cheater, but the number wasn't zero. It definitely included his/her coworkers, some mutual friends, etc.

I wish someone had told me before I wasted so much time thinking I was just not a very trusting person.

I absolutely agree with the above. I would have been grateful if anyone had clued me in. Infidelity is abusive and a huge betrayal of trust which is made even worse when friends, coworkers and family knew and didn't tell you. How would you feel if your boss sexually assaulted you and later you found out that everyone in the office knew about the assault but no one said anything about it or helped you in any way? Very similar.

In addition to losing my marriage, my sexual self, my confidence and the family I thought I had, I also lost professional relationships (because we were in the same industry) and friend relationships. Thankfully, no one in my bio family knew and they were all terrific about it when I told them. I can't imagine losing trust in my family as well if any of them had known and left me in the dark. After the betrayal by a spouse, you really need friends and family for emotional support and you need to continue to have strong career prospects.

Those of you who shame the messenger for not keeping the perpetrators secret, you are actually supporting abuse by siding with the perpetrator and using a culture of social silencing to prevent women from learning or speaking out about abuse. Just like a whisper network has grown in the professions about which men are abusive, so too should there be a whisper network about men who are abusive in relationships.

+1

Even if you do it anonymously it's the right thing to do. The health risks alone is a big reason.

I won't tolerate it no matter who they are.

You all say that now, but had someone told you at the time you wouldn't have believed it or lashed out at the messenger.

To the last pp it's easy to be an internet cowboy and claim you won't tolerate xyz until you or your family is being threatened or even killed for revealing an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This probably isn't creative, but years ago one of my husband's bosses was having an affair with a secretary. I couldn't stand her or him. His poor wife was still in another state trying to finish packing up the home, Kids etc.

I kept thinking how horrible it would be to move to another state without a support system. Only to find out you pos husband is cheating.

I found her phone number and called her!

You're actually just as bad as the people having the affair. Nothing about any of that was ANY of your concern in any way--you just butted in because you didn't like him. You weren't trying to help anyone out. You have a terrible character, which is obvious in the way you tell it. This was done just to satisfy you and give you a sick thrill. Disgusting.

As someone who was cheated on before and during marriage, I would have loved for someone to have had the balls to pick up the phone and tell me. I think that shows a lot more character than just smiling to my face and acting like nothing is wrong.

+1 I don't know how many folks knew my husband was a serial cheater, but the number wasn't zero. It definitely included his/her coworkers, some mutual friends, etc.

I wish someone had told me before I wasted so much time thinking I was just not a very trusting person.

I absolutely agree with the above. I would have been grateful if anyone had clued me in. Infidelity is abusive and a huge betrayal of trust which is made even worse when friends, coworkers and family knew and didn't tell you. How would you feel if your boss sexually assaulted you and later you found out that everyone in the office knew about the assault but no one said anything about it or helped you in any way? Very similar.

In addition to losing my marriage, my sexual self, my confidence and the family I thought I had, I also lost professional relationships (because we were in the same industry) and friend relationships. Thankfully, no one in my bio family knew and they were all terrific about it when I told them. I can't imagine losing trust in my family as well if any of them had known and left me in the dark. After the betrayal by a spouse, you really need friends and family for emotional support and you need to continue to have strong career prospects.

Those of you who shame the messenger for not keeping the perpetrators secret, you are actually supporting abuse by siding with the perpetrator and using a culture of social silencing to prevent women from learning or speaking out about abuse. Just like a whisper network has grown in the professions about which men are abusive, so too should there be a whisper network about men who are abusive in relationships.

+1

Even if you do it anonymously it's the right thing to do. The health risks alone is a big reason.

I won't tolerate it no matter who they are.

You all say that now, but had someone told you at the time you wouldn't have believed it or lashed out at the messenger.

To the last pp it's easy to be an internet cowboy and claim you won't tolerate xyz until you or your family is being threatened or even killed for revealing an affair.

This just happened to me, a friend lashed out at me. I slowly moved away from her. She still calls, and can't understand why i am always busy.

Let thrm find out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This probably isn't creative, but years ago one of my husband's bosses was having an affair with a secretary. I couldn't stand her or him. His poor wife was still in another state trying to finish packing up the home, Kids etc.

I kept thinking how horrible it would be to move to another state without a support system. Only to find out you pos husband is cheating.

I found her phone number and called her!

You're actually just as bad as the people having the affair. Nothing about any of that was ANY of your concern in any way--you just butted in because you didn't like him. You weren't trying to help anyone out. You have a terrible character, which is obvious in the way you tell it. This was done just to satisfy you and give you a sick thrill. Disgusting.

As someone who was cheated on before and during marriage, I would have loved for someone to have had the balls to pick up the phone and tell me. I think that shows a lot more character than just smiling to my face and acting like nothing is wrong.

+1 I don't know how many folks knew my husband was a serial cheater, but the number wasn't zero. It definitely included his/her coworkers, some mutual friends, etc.

I wish someone had told me before I wasted so much time thinking I was just not a very trusting person.

I absolutely agree with the above. I would have been grateful if anyone had clued me in. Infidelity is abusive and a huge betrayal of trust which is made even worse when friends, coworkers and family knew and didn't tell you. How would you feel if your boss sexually assaulted you and later you found out that everyone in the office knew about the assault but no one said anything about it or helped you in any way? Very similar.

In addition to losing my marriage, my sexual self, my confidence and the family I thought I had, I also lost professional relationships (because we were in the same industry) and friend relationships. Thankfully, no one in my bio family knew and they were all terrific about it when I told them. I can't imagine losing trust in my family as well if any of them had known and left me in the dark. After the betrayal by a spouse, you really need friends and family for emotional support and you need to continue to have strong career prospects.

Those of you who shame the messenger for not keeping the perpetrators secret, you are actually supporting abuse by siding with the perpetrator and using a culture of social silencing to prevent women from learning or speaking out about abuse. Just like a whisper network has grown in the professions about which men are abusive, so too should there be a whisper network about men who are abusive in relationships.

+1

Even if you do it anonymously it's the right thing to do. The health risks alone is a big reason.

I won't tolerate it no matter who they are.

You all say that now, but had someone told you at the time you wouldn't have believed it or lashed out at the messenger.

To the last pp it's easy to be an internet cowboy and claim you won't tolerate xyz until you or your family is being threatened or even killed for revealing an affair.

I’m the first PP that wanted someone to tell me. I would have absolutely believed it and wouldn’t have lashed out. I know this because I was being gaslighted to the point of therapy. AND if you think someone is unstable enough to harm you or your family for uncovering an afair, what do you think is happening or could happen in the relationship? If this happened to you I’m truly sorry but you did the right thing. The person being cheated on isn’t responsible for the other persons actions. Everyone wants to mind their own business. However, when someone turns up missing or worse then the, “I wish, I woulda, coulda, shoulda’s” come out of the woodwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This probably isn't creative, but years ago one of my husband's bosses was having an affair with a secretary. I couldn't stand her or him. His poor wife was still in another state trying to finish packing up the home, Kids etc.

I kept thinking how horrible it would be to move to another state without a support system. Only to find out you pos husband is cheating.

I found her phone number and called her!

You're actually just as bad as the people having the affair. Nothing about any of that was ANY of your concern in any way--you just butted in because you didn't like him. You weren't trying to help anyone out. You have a terrible character, which is obvious in the way you tell it. This was done just to satisfy you and give you a sick thrill. Disgusting.

As someone who was cheated on before and during marriage, I would have loved for someone to have had the balls to pick up the phone and tell me. I think that shows a lot more character than just smiling to my face and acting like nothing is wrong.

+1 I don't know how many folks knew my husband was a serial cheater, but the number wasn't zero. It definitely included his/her coworkers, some mutual friends, etc.

I wish someone had told me before I wasted so much time thinking I was just not a very trusting person.

I absolutely agree with the above. I would have been grateful if anyone had clued me in. Infidelity is abusive and a huge betrayal of trust which is made even worse when friends, coworkers and family knew and didn't tell you. How would you feel if your boss sexually assaulted you and later you found out that everyone in the office knew about the assault but no one said anything about it or helped you in any way? Very similar.

In addition to losing my marriage, my sexual self, my confidence and the family I thought I had, I also lost professional relationships (because we were in the same industry) and friend relationships. Thankfully, no one in my bio family knew and they were all terrific about it when I told them. I can't imagine losing trust in my family as well if any of them had known and left me in the dark. After the betrayal by a spouse, you really need friends and family for emotional support and you need to continue to have strong career prospects.

Those of you who shame the messenger for not keeping the perpetrators secret, you are actually supporting abuse by siding with the perpetrator and using a culture of social silencing to prevent women from learning or speaking out about abuse. Just like a whisper network has grown in the professions about which men are abusive, so too should there be a whisper network about men who are abusive in relationships.

+1

Even if you do it anonymously it's the right thing to do. The health risks alone is a big reason.

I won't tolerate it no matter who they are.

You all say that now, but had someone told you at the time you wouldn't have believed it or lashed out at the messenger.

To the last pp it's easy to be an internet cowboy and claim you won't tolerate xyz until you or your family is being threatened or even killed for revealing an affair.

I’m the first PP that wanted someone to tell me. I would have absolutely believed it and wouldn’t have lashed out. I know this because I was being gaslighted to the point of therapy. AND if you think someone is unstable enough to harm you or your family for uncovering an afair, what do you think is happening or could happen in the relationship? If this happened to you I’m truly sorry but you did the right thing. The person being cheated on isn’t responsible for the other persons actions. Everyone wants to mind their own business. However, when someone turns up missing or worse then the, “I wish, I woulda, coulda, shoulda’s” come out of the woodwork.

NP. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I am in the "mind your own business" camp. If everyone and their brother knows about your husband's infidelity, I'm going to assume that there are enough signs at home that you're ignoring for one reason or another. Infidelity is common, and despite what DCUM will have you believe, many women choose to look the other way. As one of the crowd of people who know or suspect your husband's infidelity, I don't think it is my place to deliver information to you that would humiliate you or make you feel like you need to break up your family if kids are involved. Sounds like even you knew, on some level. There are many options for betrayed women who really want the truth to find out (just look at this thread) what is going on. For example, you could have hired a private eye instead of a therapist.

If you are the PP who feels betrayed by colleagues in your industry who knew, please know how absolutely awkward it has been to know about your husbands philandering. It is not reasonable for you to expect me to jeopardize my professional reputation and whatever else because your husband decided to act like a creep.

The blame rests squarely on your DH and the OW, not everyone else who knew.