Evidence he’s cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

It's amazing you would want to reconcile with someone who has blatantly lied to your face over and over again, manipulated you into thinking you're crazy, has put you in the position of GATHERING EVIDENCE to prove to yourself you're not crazy, has had a sustained affair, and has alcohol issues. How rich is this guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying gather evidence - why? The advice on here is always that judges don’t care if there was cheating, it doesn’t get you anything more in a divorce or custody dispute

In VA it can matter absolutely. Not so much in DC or MD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Apparently I’m on a roll - there is another poster who feels like this is her story. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this situation. I’m sorry you are also going through this.


I wear my heart on my sleeve and DH has picked up that something is wrong, and I know he has an inkling what it is related to. My hope is to reconcile - with A LOT of work needed and demanded in alternative to a separation agreement. I already know his response is “well, you had at least a little to do with this” and what this thread has been SUPER helpful in reinforcing is that he made decisions that were not the adult ones to make. If Otho g else, he has to own his actions. If/when he found complaint there was a constructive way to address. I believe that exists, if he is willing to do the work. So here is where I have evolved to at 96 hrs post realization

(Also, I now know the definition and effect of ‘gaslighting’ because there was one particular thing that I IMMEDIATLEY knew months ago was what it was but when I called it out he said “ah, no, [it’s this other thing]” and I was like “ah, yeah, ok”....)

If you want to reconcile read Laura Doyle’s books. It will take approximately one year to feel like yourself again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing you would want to reconcile with someone who has blatantly lied to your face over and over again, manipulated you into thinking you're crazy, has put you in the position of GATHERING EVIDENCE to prove to yourself you're not crazy, has had a sustained affair, and has alcohol issues. How rich is this guy?

This guy isn't going to change.

[Anonymous]

Something struck me in one of your posts— you said the OW just got married this fall. Be aware that you may be dealing with an extremely unstable OW in this situation. Her behavior is just odd— affair during her honeymoon period? Something is very wrong here. (More wrong than in most affairs, I mean.) Be careful about confronting her etc.

[Anonymous]

OP whatever you do don't allow this to be done to you and your children.

Either he stops and makes big changes, or you divorce. Only 2 options.

[Anonymous]

I understand the sentiment of wanting to see his reaction when he’s confronted with the evidence. If he admits the affair and wants to reconcile as well, that would be the ideal outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing you would want to reconcile with someone who has blatantly lied to your face over and over again, manipulated you into thinking you're crazy, has put you in the position of GATHERING EVIDENCE to prove to yourself you're not crazy, has had a sustained affair, and has alcohol issues. How rich is this guy?

This guy isn't going to change.

OP Im afraid I have to agree. What redeeming qualities does he have as a person that would cause you to believe he can change?

Maybe all that has happened is he "changed back" to what he was before, maybe before he married you.

This is so horrible and I am so sorry.

Think very carefully if he DESERVES to be forgiven and if you in turn DESERVE the burden of giving him another chance after the total lack of respect and human decency he has demonstrated to you, the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever you do don't allow this to be done to you and your children.

Either he stops and makes big changes, or you divorce. Only 2 options.

And he doesnt get to make these improvements while living with you and the children. He needs to go away for a while.

[Anonymous]

As a genuinely happily married man with 3 great daughters, let me just say, if I had some free time on my hands, the last thing I'd want to do is spend it with yet ANOTHER female running her yap and getting all emotionally needy. Eventually its like ENOUGH already!

Amiright fellows? I'd be in a hammock under a tree with a beer and a book.

This dude is an idiot.

Oh and get tested for AIDS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a genuinely happily married man with 3 great daughters, let me just say, if I had some free time on my hands, the last thing I'd want to do is spend it with yet ANOTHER female running her yap and getting all emotionally needy. Eventually its like ENOUGH already!

Amiright fellows? I'd be in a hammock under a tree with a beer and a book.

This dude is an idiot.

Oh and get tested for AIDS

As the mother of two boys, I feel exactly the same way. Sorry you are going through this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a genuinely happily married man with 3 great daughters, let me just say, if I had some free time on my hands, the last thing I'd want to do is spend it with yet ANOTHER female running her yap and getting all emotionally needy. Eventually its like ENOUGH already!

Amiright fellows? I'd be in a hammock under a tree with a beer and a book.

This dude is an idiot.

Oh and get tested for AIDS

There is a great meme that says something along the lines of "no matter how great he seems, some woman somewhere is sick of his shit".

[Anonymous]

This is not the first time. Just the first time he’s been caught. Make a plan and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

Yes, it is. Getting drunk weekly is a big sign of alcoholism. It takes a day to recover. That's 4 days lost a week to drinking. One day of drunkiness, one day to recover. Rinse and repeat.

How do you raise kids being drunk two days out of the week.

Please learn of what you speak before throwing terms around. Alcoholics don't recover. They stay drunk. Their BAC never dips below .1 and often higher. Alcoholics don't drink just 2 days/week. They can't go that long without alcohol.

As an adult child of an alcoholic and grandchild to more alcoholics, I can confidently say you are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

Yes, it is. Getting drunk weekly is a big sign of alcoholism. It takes a day to recover. That's 4 days lost a week to drinking. One day of drunkiness, one day to recover. Rinse and repeat.

How do you raise kids being drunk two days out of the week.

Please learn of what you speak before throwing terms around. Alcoholics don't recover. They stay drunk. Their BAC never dips below .1 and often higher. Alcoholics don't drink just 2 days/week. They can't go that long without alcohol.

As an adult child of an alcoholic and grandchild to more alcoholics, I can confidently say you are wrong.

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