Evidence he’s cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anybody try and work things out anymore or is that outdated?

OP said she is willing to open the marriage now, that's not working it out, that's rolling over.

That is not OP. Or, I’m OP and absolutely not willing to open my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As of about an hour ago, I have evidence my husband (of 10ish years and 3 kids) is cheating - and has been for about a year. Hotel bookings in town on random days booked very late at night or early in the morning. Reservation always sent to the same woman. His text messages with her are deleted, and she is on silent notifications. Yes, I’ve seen his phone and email. What do I do next? My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now. He is passed out asleep/drunk next to me in bed. He was out with her, and another of their work friends tonight. The hotel nights I’m fairly certain correlate to nights he has returned home at 1-2am.Aways drunk. F. Now what?!

OP drinking staying out late makes me wonder why you chose such a marriage. This should have been discussed in the dating stage. I would have shown up at the hotel as soon as I found out. At this point you have all the evidence. I would call her before alerting your husband, letting her know you may just go to her house, and have a nice talk with her husband. (showing him evidence) Sit back and see how your husband behaves. You know she'll text him right away. You may enjoy his being scared, and nervous. Either way, you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay married to this guy.

After making the two cheaters sweat I would plan to file divorce at some point.

OP

I only know after-the-fact right now so I can’t confront at the hotel. I see the receipts.

He didn’t always do the late night drinking thing....without me. Alcohol has always been a part of our relationship. NOT as an overweight presence like it has become in the last 2 years or so. Couldn’t have predicted that piece.

Judgement is about to ensue....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As of about an hour ago, I have evidence my husband (of 10ish years and 3 kids) is cheating - and has been for about a year. Hotel bookings in town on random days booked very late at night or early in the morning. Reservation always sent to the same woman. His text messages with her are deleted, and she is on silent notifications. Yes, I’ve seen his phone and email. What do I do next? My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now. He is passed out asleep/drunk next to me in bed. He was out with her, and another of their work friends tonight. The hotel nights I’m fairly certain correlate to nights he has returned home at 1-2am.Aways drunk. F. Now what?!

OP drinking staying out late makes me wonder why you chose such a marriage. This should have been discussed in the dating stage. I would have shown up at the hotel as soon as I found out. At this point you have all the evidence. I would call her before alerting your husband, letting her know you may just go to her house, and have a nice talk with her husband. (showing him evidence) Sit back and see how your husband behaves. You know she'll text him right away. You may enjoy his being scared, and nervous. Either way, you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay married to this guy.

After making the two cheaters sweat I would plan to file divorce at some point.

OP

I only know after-the-fact right now so I can’t confront at the hotel. I see the receipts.

He didn’t always do the late night drinking thing....without me. Alcohol has always been a part of our relationship. NOT as an overweight presence like it has become in the last 2 years or so. Couldn’t have predicted that piece.

Judgement is about to ensue....

You need a good therapist, too. I highly recommend Doug Cohen in DC.

Your DH will also need a therapist. Start yourself in therapy now, and work with someone who can support you in whatever choice you ultimately make. You don't want a marriage cheerleader, nor do you want someone who is trying to work both sides of the street (you know - all the people here who think you must somehow be at fault). A therapist who can recognize and work on excessive drinking can really make a difference.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Apparently I’m on a roll - there is another poster who feels like this is her story. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this situation. I’m sorry you are also going through this.


I wear my heart on my sleeve and DH has picked up that something is wrong, and I know he has an inkling what it is related to. My hope is to reconcile - with A LOT of work needed and demanded in alternative to a separation agreement. I already know his response is “well, you had at least a little to do with this” and what this thread has been SUPER helpful in reinforcing is that he made decisions that were not the adult ones to make. If Otho g else, he has to own his actions. If/when he found complaint there was a constructive way to address. I believe that exists, if he is willing to do the work. So here is where I have evolved to at 96 hrs post realization

(Also, I now know the definition and effect of ‘gaslighting’ because there was one particular thing that I IMMEDIATLEY knew months ago was what it was but when I called it out he said “ah, no, [it’s this other thing]” and I was like “ah, yeah, ok”....)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the alcohol too. That trumps everything.

Please stop. You've tried to make this point several times and no one agrees with you. Based on what we know from the facts given, the cheating is the much bigger problem. Stop trying to force your issue on the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

It's not everyone. It's 1, possibly 2 people. The rest of us are sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

Yes, it is. Getting drunk weekly is a big sign of alcoholism. It takes a day to recover. That's 4 days lost a week to drinking. One day of drunkiness, one day to recover. Rinse and repeat.

How do you raise kids being drunk two days out of the week.

Please learn of what you speak before throwing terms around. Alcoholics don't recover. They stay drunk. Their BAC never dips below .1 and often higher. Alcoholics don't drink just 2 days/week. They can't go that long without alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

Send the kids somewhere for the night this weekend and confront him. It doesn't sound it will be good for you to wait. You have evidence. You need to stop torturing yourself by holding this in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

r u positive it's the right woman?

OP: absolutely.

If you decide you want to reconcile, your number one ally in breaking up the affair is her husband. Plus he deserves to know the absolute truth of his marriage. But don't tell him until you have hard evidence. And don't tell you husband that you plan to tell him - she will concert a story about some crazy female stalker she has. And when you confront your husband you'd better do it with tons of proof. You already know he is a skilled liar, and he will lie his ass off in this situation.

I think someone else said to go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. I highly recommend checking out the healing library there while you plan your next steps. Some of their advice seems really counterintuitive (the 180, etc.), but it really can help. And take good care of yourself.

OP here: I literally just came here at 4:30 in the morning to ask exactly this. The trick is getting his contact info. Any suggestions for how/not to do this? And when?

As for confronting DH - I appreciate the advice on waiting until after the holidays, but I don’t think I can last that long. While my mind is working overdrive, I’ve filled in a bunch of elements that were just gut feelings before. I can now correlate them to the evidence. Oof. This is awful.

I would advise this: one thing at a time. Confront your spouse and deal with your marriage. If you decide to reconcile and she is still trying to play home wrecker, then maybe you look into that step. If they work together, in your discussion with your spouse maybe throw in a comment about how you are certain HR would not be pleased to hear about this relationship. Often times, that very realistic threat can be enough to scare someone straight.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

DCUM can be a total vortex of negativity. I just want to say that I really appreciate the feedback you all have put the time into offering in as constructive, non judge mental way as possible. I see you trolls. Also, I know how to deal with the next left foot in front of right at the moment. Beyond that....well....what do I know? More than I did. More than I did. And next...,

I’ll check in again soon I’m sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

DCUM can be a total vortex of negativity. I just want to say that I really appreciate the feedback you all have put the time into offering in as constructive, non judge mental way as possible. I see you trolls. Also, I know how to deal with the next left foot in front of right at the moment. Beyond that....well....what do I know? More than I did. More than I did. And next...,

I’ll check in again soon I’m sure.

Good luck and hope you come out of this happier (eventually)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone is saying he is an alcoholic. Getting drunk ( who knows how drunk) 1-2 times a week does not mean he is an alcoholic.

Yes, it is. Getting drunk weekly is a big sign of alcoholism. It takes a day to recover. That's 4 days lost a week to drinking. One day of drunkiness, one day to recover. Rinse and repeat.

How do you raise kids being drunk two days out of the week.

Please learn of what you speak before throwing terms around. Alcoholics don't recover. They stay drunk. Their BAC never dips below .1 and often higher. Alcoholics don't drink just 2 days/week. They can't go that long without alcohol.

The point is that the OPs spouse is an alcoholic. OP is more focused on the cheating though. I am more concerned about the flippant attitude toward the alcoholism since it has ramifications outside of the marriage. Understand. OP is gonna take him back, so that issue is solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

r u positive it's the right woman?

OP: absolutely.

If you decide you want to reconcile, your number one ally in breaking up the affair is her husband. Plus he deserves to know the absolute truth of his marriage. But don't tell him until you have hard evidence. And don't tell you husband that you plan to tell him - she will concert a story about some crazy female stalker she has. And when you confront your husband you'd better do it with tons of proof. You already know he is a skilled liar, and he will lie his ass off in this situation.

I think someone else said to go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. I highly recommend checking out the healing library there while you plan your next steps. Some of their advice seems really counterintuitive (the 180, etc.), but it really can help. And take good care of yourself.

OP here: I literally just came here at 4:30 in the morning to ask exactly this. The trick is getting his contact info. Any suggestions for how/not to do this? And when?

As for confronting DH - I appreciate the advice on waiting until after the holidays, but I don’t think I can last that long. While my mind is working overdrive, I’ve filled in a bunch of elements that were just gut feelings before. I can now correlate them to the evidence. Oof. This is awful.

I would advise this: one thing at a time. Confront your spouse and deal with your marriage. If you decide to reconcile and she is still trying to play home wrecker, then maybe you look into that step. If they work together, in your discussion with your spouse maybe throw in a comment about how you are certain HR would not be pleased to hear about this relationship. Often times, that very realistic threat can be enough to scare someone straight.

You cannot deal with the marriage when there are three people in it.

Don't confront without evidence. Get evidence to her husband before, and then you can both confront at the same time. The cheaters will only admit to what you can procve.

Your husband is not a good person. He is a liar and a cheater. He might well have been a fine person before this, and he could well be a fine person after. But right now, he is in his affair fog and not thinking straight. My sister's ex cheated. She referred to him as a zombie during the affair - some disease ate his brain. His affair partner was married, too - and they worked together. Threats of exposure did NOTHING to stop the affair. NOTHING. Exposure - not the threat of it, but the actuality, did a lot more to destroy the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT CONFRONT him today!!

He has the upper hand if you let him know you know about the OW. He will lie and call you crazy. And you will believe you are crazy, because you are emotional and acting crazy. But you should be acting crazy because he just blew up your life.

Get your ducks in a row. Give yourself 2-3 weeks to process things, meet with a lawyer, gather evidence, understand your finances, etc.

You also need to make the decision to confront him before or after Thanksgiving, before or after Christmas.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

+1. This don’t let him know

Been there, OP, so sorry you have to deal with this shocker. I agree with other PPs who say not to do anything right now. If you confront him right now, he is unlikely to tell you the truth and even less likely to tell you the whole truth. He IS likely to gaslight you.

You can make a better decision when you have all the information possible, which you are not going to get from him. Document what you are seeing -- take copies of emails, texts, etc. Check the phone bill from the cell phone company and get an idea of how often she is calling/texting. Google search the number and see if you can get any info about who she is. Also check your bank account and credit cards. Use that info to figure out how much money he is spending on her and what it tells you about how long and deep this is. Start journalling what he is telling you about when and where he is and check things like find my friends or car mileage to see if story corroborates. Check computer history -- you may find evidence of other women or other problems like porn. Journal/document any drinking inside or outside the home.

Do you have to do the above? No. Frankly, it's enough that you know what you know. If you want to divorce, you are perfectly entitled to do so without any extra evidence. But, he will gaslight you (pretending that it didn't happen or it wasn't as serious as you think it was) and/or he will blame you (say that the cheating is your fault because you didn't do X, Y and Z.) This is tremendously difficult to withstand without the hard evidence and journalling to look back at.

While you begin doing this, visit a couple of lawyers for consultation. It will cost you 1-2 hours worth of their time, but it is money well spent. Don't waste the expensive time telling them all the details of the cheating. Simply tell them you know for sure your DH is cheating and you want to know your options in divorce -- custody, child support, asset split, how much it will cost, how long it will take, do you need a documented period of separation prior to divorce, do you need to have a separation agreement, etc.? They will tell you other documents to gather -- financials, taxes, mortgage equity, retirement accounts, time spent on childcare, etc.

FWIW, the cheating, whether documented or not, has no value in court. It will not affect your custody. But, depending on your DH, you may be able to use it as leverage to negotiate the child custody and support schedule you think is best for your kids. Personally, in my situation, I used it as leverage to get my then DH to move out of our home and leave the kids in my full physical custody with visitation in my home. DH never made any effort to change the custody situation, and since our particular situation involved mental illness and substance abuse in addition to infidelity, not doing 50/50 has been for the best.

Get a therapist for yourself for individual counseling only -- preferably a female who is experienced in abuse and/or betrayal trauma (infidelity often results in a kind of complex traumatic stress response). You need support for yourself through this process. You also need to decide which personal friends or family you will tell. Humans cannot and should not go thru major life upheavals like this while trying to hide them from their social network, which often provides a lot of support. Beside emotional support from friends and family, you will need their help, whether it's with babysitting, or whatever. Choose at least a couple of people that you know will be supportive of you whatever you decide and who will not blame-cast or pressure you to stay or gossip.

Infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves repeated lying and gaslighting, manipulation, and shirking of family responsibility. We still live in a culture where women who are cheated on are blamed for not being sexy enough, attentive enough, having unreasonable expectations of fidelity, etc. Don't succumb to any of this. His cheating is not YOUR fault. If he had any problems in the marriage, then it was his responsibility to come to you express them explicitly and work on them or tell you he wanted a divorce before sleeping with other people.

It's hard that this has come out around the holidays. Personally, I would wait until after the holidays to confront him. Use that time to gather documentation and decide what you want. Enjoy the holidays with your kids. Plan fun things to do and some new traditions that you can establish around each holiday that can be carried on in future years whether you have custody on the holiday or not.

If it were me, after the holidays I would confront him with hard evidence and ask him to sign a separation agreement that includes child support and custody/visitation and move out of the joint home. It's entirely impossible to predict his reaction -- it could range from him moving in with the other woman to admitting the infidelity and begging to stay (mine did the latter which was very confusing -- he begged me to stay and not end the relationship yet at the same time continued to cheat). Use your individual therapist to help you think through how you might react to different scenarios. Personally, given what I know now, I would just ask him to sign the separation agreement and move straight to divorce. It is pretty unlikely that he will suddenly feel remorseful, and even more unlikely that he will be able to commit to the self-work necessary to save your marriage. YMMV.

About sex with your DH while you are in the quiet phase and gathering your evidence and making decisions -- this is a difficult thing to manage while you know about the infidelity. There is a wide range of ways the cheated upon spouse responds. Paradoxically, some are even more attracted to the cheating DH for a variety of reasons. For me, I need monogamy and had an explicit discussion about that with my DH prior to even living together. Once I knew he cheated, it was over for me. But, he continued to demand sex (which I had provided regularly and enjoyed prior to finding out about the infidelity). In the beginning, I consented to sex, but honestly, it felt very rape-y, and eventually I found ways to get out of it without confrontation.

Finally, if you are the kind of spouse that is monogamous, you are also probably a pretty honest person. Part of the shock of this is not only the infidelity but the repeated lying and manipulation that your DH is engaging in which creates a betrayal trauma. You may feel awkward snooping or lying to him during this quiet phase. Don't feel guilty. Trust and honesty are not givens. Ongoing trust is earned through the behavior of the recipient of that trust. You do not owe your DH any trust, any honesty, any second chances or any elevation of his needs over yours. Those things only work when they are mutual. Do what is best for you and the kids.

I know it seems hard to believe know, but I actually felt a huge relief when DH was out of the house -- even my then 4 year old noticed both how sad I had been and how much happier I was. Yes, both our kids struggled with divorce and economic deprivation. Neither of them know about the infidelity and I've always supported their relationship with him, but 10+ years later, they both have been witness to how their Dad's irresponsibility and self-absorption continue to affect them and are very glad that he is not in our lives 24/7. The kids and I definitely have a happier and healthier home.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

It may not help in court, but it sounds like her husband and his AP work together and if she's his subordinate, he could get at best get fired or depending on the industry, worst he could get blackballed.

That's leverage for you right there.

[Anonymous]

You can probably find her husband to contact him on LinkedIn, Facebook or try even a Google search.

Do you know his name?
If you know hers it will be easy to find out his, especially with all of the background check websites.

If you find him on LinkedIn, when you're ready I suggest contacting him by calling, otherwise he may think it's a hoax, joke or may not get an email at all (spam filter, especially since your email address is an unknown to him).

Right before you confront your husband I would tell him.

If you don't tell him until after you've confronted your husband, you're giving her an opportunity to get to him before you do & if you tell him too soon, he may lose it & confront her before you're ready to confront your husband.