Evidence he’s cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

r u positive it's the right woman?

OP: absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

r u positive it's the right woman?

OP: absolutely.

If you decide you want to reconcile, your number one ally in breaking up the affair is her husband. Plus he deserves to know the absolute truth of his marriage. But don't tell him until you have hard evidence. And don't tell you husband that you plan to tell him - she will concert a story about some crazy female stalker she has. And when you confront your husband you'd better do it with tons of proof. You already know he is a skilled liar, and he will lie his ass off in this situation.

I think someone else said to go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. I highly recommend checking out the healing library there while you plan your next steps. Some of their advice seems really counterintuitive (the 180, etc.), but it really can help. And take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

r u positive it's the right woman?

OP: absolutely.

If you decide you want to reconcile, your number one ally in breaking up the affair is her husband. Plus he deserves to know the absolute truth of his marriage. But don't tell him until you have hard evidence. And don't tell you husband that you plan to tell him - she will concert a story about some crazy female stalker she has. And when you confront your husband you'd better do it with tons of proof. You already know he is a skilled liar, and he will lie his ass off in this situation.

I think someone else said to go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. I highly recommend checking out the healing library there while you plan your next steps. Some of their advice seems really counterintuitive (the 180, etc.), but it really can help. And take good care of yourself.

OP here: I literally just came here at 4:30 in the morning to ask exactly this. The trick is getting his contact info. Any suggestions for how/not to do this? And when?

As for confronting DH - I appreciate the advice on waiting until after the holidays, but I don’t think I can last that long. While my mind is working overdrive, I’ve filled in a bunch of elements that were just gut feelings before. I can now correlate them to the evidence. Oof. This is awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to say I'm so sorry.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

What counts as “hard” evidence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: As of about an hour ago, I have evidence my husband (of 10ish years and 3 kids) is cheating - and has been for about a year. Hotel bookings in town on random days booked very late at night or early in the morning. Reservation always sent to the same woman. His text messages with her are deleted, and she is on silent notifications. Yes, I’ve seen his phone and email. What do I do next? My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now. He is passed out asleep/drunk next to me in bed. He was out with her, and another of their work friends tonight. The hotel nights I’m fairly certain correlate to nights he has returned home at 1-2am.Aways drunk. F. Now what?!

OP drinking staying out late makes me wonder why you chose such a marriage. This should have been discussed in the dating stage. I would have shown up at the hotel as soon as I found out. At this point you have all the evidence. I would call her before alerting your husband, letting her know you may just go to her house, and have a nice talk with her husband. (showing him evidence) Sit back and see how your husband behaves. You know she'll text him right away. You may enjoy his being scared, and nervous. Either way, you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay married to this guy.

After making the two cheaters sweat I would plan to file divorce at some point.

[Anonymous]

I would call her before alerting your husband, letting her know you may just go to her house, and have a nice talk with her husband. (showing him evidence) Sit back and see how your husband behaves. You know she'll text him right away. You may enjoy his being scared, and nervous. Either way, you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay married to this guy.

After making the two cheaters sweat I would plan to file divorce at some point.

do not do this. As much as people want revenge, the best thing is to think about what is safest for your kids and this is not it. If you want to save your marriage, tell her husband. If you dont or are not sure, tread carefully. Although, I might be inclined to tell the husband if they dont have kids (yet) so that he isn't bringing kids into a shitty marriage and then bound to this woman for life.

[Anonymous]

Does anybody try and work things out anymore or is that outdated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anybody try and work things out anymore or is that outdated?

I've been thinking this as well. If you read DCUM, you'd probably think the divorce rate in this area is 85%. People love to overreact or impose their own hurt on others when the reality is that it's not that easy to just divorce. Lots of stuff to untangle.

That said, this is a forum for relationship advice so you're running into folks who have legit cases to divorce over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have reached out to a couple of attorneys and made copies of a bunch of our financial documents, have found more evidence and made an appointment with my therapist. And I took the kids to all of their things this weekend - while he got together with her. (I know precisely who she is. She is also married, just this fall!!) Not that I’ve gotten any work done. What I need advice on is how to keep myself calm in this quiet time before I confront him with the evidence and whatever my next steps are. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep my composure and try to be pleasant around him. I keep welling up when my kids hug me. And he is noticing. “What’s wrong?” “You have a lot on your mind” ....

Op I am so sorry - I went through this before too. Why you keep quiet now is strategy: you need to put some money away for yourself, talk to a financial planner, etc to see logistically how you can make due on one income if need be; once he finds out you might divorce him some men drain bank accounts or do other things so you want all the records/etc your lawyer recommends.

Therapist will help. I found out new evidence yesterday about my DH and also was crying/etc and also have three kids and pretended nothing wrong....

I would expect your DH will lie if confronted - your instinct may be to find out secretly how bad the betrayal is to make an informed decision if this is something you are willing to forgive....

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anybody try and work things out anymore or is that outdated?

I've been thinking this as well. If you read DCUM, you'd probably think the divorce rate in this area is 85%. People love to overreact or impose their own hurt on others when the reality is that it's not that easy to just divorce. Lots of stuff to untangle.

That said, this is a forum for relationship advice so you're running into folks who have legit cases to divorce over.

Yes I am trying to work it out. I am fighting for my marriage - and may even have to have an open marriage to keep my DH and am even willing to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would call her before alerting your husband, letting her know you may just go to her house, and have a nice talk with her husband. (showing him evidence) Sit back and see how your husband behaves. You know she'll text him right away. You may enjoy his being scared, and nervous. Either way, you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay married to this guy.

After making the two cheaters sweat I would plan to file divorce at some point.

do not do this. As much as people want revenge, the best thing is to think about what is safest for your kids and this is not it. If you want to save your marriage, tell her husband. If you dont or are not sure, tread carefully. Although, I might be inclined to tell the husband if they dont have kids (yet) so that he isn't bringing kids into a shitty marriage and then bound to this woman for life.

It might put a stop to it, plus she could do it anonymously.

If op is willing to have a open marriage we are ALL wasting our oxygen. That alone means her self-esteem is at the doormat level. Cheaters, and abusers look for these kinds of women to abuse.

Sorry OP, but you should not tolerate cheating in your marriage whatever action you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anybody try and work things out anymore or is that outdated?

I think you might be able to work things out if your spouse had a one night stand. But I don't think it's possible to work things out if your spouse is involved in a relationship. I mean, how would that work?

"Dave! I know you and Linda have been having an affair for months...but I want you to end it and pick me/our family."

Um, at the risk of pointing out the obvious, Dave has already chosen Linda over you. They have a great sex life, and she's his soulmate. Why would he all of a sudden become a decent person worthy of your love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anybody try and work things out anymore or is that outdated?

OP said she is willing to open the marriage now, that's not working it out, that's rolling over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As of about an hour ago, I have evidence my husband (of 10ish years and 3 kids) is cheating - and has been for about a year. Hotel bookings in town on random days booked very late at night or early in the morning. Reservation always sent to the same woman. His text messages with her are deleted, and she is on silent notifications. Yes, I’ve seen his phone and email. What do I do next? My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now. He is passed out asleep/drunk next to me in bed. He was out with her, and another of their work friends tonight. The hotel nights I’m fairly certain correlate to nights he has returned home at 1-2am.Aways drunk. F. Now what?!

OP drinking staying out late makes me wonder why you chose such a marriage. This should have been discussed in the dating stage. I would have shown up at the hotel as soon as I found out. At this point you have all the evidence. I would call her before alerting your husband, letting her know you may just go to her house, and have a nice talk with her husband. (showing him evidence) Sit back and see how your husband behaves. You know she'll text him right away. You may enjoy his being scared, and nervous. Either way, you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay married to this guy.

After making the two cheaters sweat I would plan to file divorce at some point.

This is terrible advice!

You cannot threaten a cheater - you just expose. If you threaten, they will manage to make you look like a lunatic AND get better at hiding their tracks.